A
male
age
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*ikebbin
writes:Hi there everyone, Mike here, new to the site but isn't it good? I have a problem, we've been married over 35 years and we hav'nt had sex for the last 22 of them, we've not fallen out in fact we're far better together than when we had sex, but just lately i've really needed sex i have a permanent erection for hours at a time but my wife just does'nt want sex which is fair enough, but is it wrong for me to look elsewhere,any thoughts?
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (4 March 2010):
This is really weird but it does happen that some people can't engage in sex for some reason. A marriage enrichment course or counseling with a sex therapist can help her sort out her aversion to it. This must be a torturous existence. If you are going to seek outside 'help' then just be honest with her and tell her. I see your pain but the cheating might cause more problems than its worth when you get caught. Its also unsustainable indefinitely so she really does need a therapist's help to sort this out.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Well Mike, I think you have to come straight out and tell her that you need this intimacy with her. If she refuses, you need to tell her you will seek it elsewhere. If that doesn't snap her back to reality, then it's time to separate and get the divorce rolling. She is not being fair by withholding something that she is physically able to provide. Intimacy is one of the main support beams in a marriage.
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A
male
reader, mikebbin +, writes (4 March 2010):
mikebbin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello there everyone, firstly thanks for all the advice, i found it all to be helpful and honest, we sat down one evening with a bottle of wine and we tried to sort it out. the solution was for my wife to lie down with me and massage my groin while i gave myself h.r. i suppose i just wanted company while i did it. any way it was great just to have company even though she refused to take any clothes off, then a few days later i asked her if she'd like to do it again and she said yes if she had to. but it never happened nor has it happened since. so i feel i may look elsewhere, maybe for someone in the same position as myself someone who needs relief now and then, i'llhave a good think about it. anyway thanks everyone.
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male
reader, mikebbin +, writes (22 February 2010):
mikebbin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe've not fallen out or anything, we still kiss and laugh and fool around(nothing sexual) we've never had oral either of us, it's just as if sex was for breeding and we've bred all we're going to and that's the end of it. i can talk to her when she's naked in the bath and there's no problem, we share a bed it's just theres no way anything is allowed apart from sleeping.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): I know I'm going against all the other advice here, but why should you suffer this deprivation? By all means try to talk to her about it, but if she won't suck or wank you off, and if wanking yourself isn't enough for you, then I'd definitely find a safe way of getting what I need elsewhere. If you were not allowed food at home, would you simply starve? No, you'd go and eat elsewhere. This is the same analogy, it is called human needs.
Choose wisely with someone else in the same position, there are plenty of decent contact sites and needy women. Then go and enjoy yourself before you die of frustration.
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 What you are facing is problem, but quite normal problem. Many female above forty face fatigue of sex due to hormonal problem. you should be . Be friendly, and with little time, all will be good and normal. At fifty, [myself sixty], every one can control their sex desire. And, to control sex desire is in itself a pleasurable act, and not losing pleasure.
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 Yes its wrong." why dont you sit and have a serious talk to your wife! Tell her what you need.. please dont go now to this thought about looking to another, it will break the marriage, its not a joke its a promise" it will really break if you only just 1 time do it, it will really break everything what you have two share for the last marriage you have. so please dont even think about it. save the marriage, save the family. Talk to her about this. maybe she need a little sweet moment from you. Well if you talk to her,if she really say NO" then simply ask her" will you allow me to try it to somebody else? then she will realise what you need. Good luck anyway..
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female
reader, Polaroid93 +, writes (20 February 2010):
Wow, to be honest that sounds like torture. I'd try and make an arangement with her, show her how much you need it or try and seduce her being very romentic or whatever she likes ect. Good luck but I wouldn't reconend looking around unless she says it's okay which is highly unlikely you'll regret it.
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female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (19 February 2010):
 It is VERY wrong, Mike. You are married to her; you made a vow to be with her for the rest of your life. If she doesn't want sex, then that is her decision, and do not pressure her.
If it is bothering you that much, speak with her about it.
How would you feel if she went off and had sex with some random guy? Do NOT cheat on her; you will regret it. If she doesn't want sex, you still have your hand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Its a great site, you are right. I think you need to communicate with your wife about your feelings. You really need to ask her the question you asked us. Instead of just saying shall i cheat? the first question you should ask yourself is "whats causing my wife to not want to have sex" You need to be concerned about that. The only way to solve this honorably is to have a conversation with your wife about it and talk it through with her. I understand you have sexual needs, but so does your wife! sexual and emotional needs are often closely linked often with women, and it is her emotional needs you need to tend to before you can ever think about anything sexual.Its wonderful that your relationship is strong and has lasted this number of years, i hope that it works out for you both, the best of luck, Emils x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): please dont have sex with anyone behind your wife's back. can i also ask if you have children ?. If you have, they wouldnt like it if they knew that one of their parents was unfaithful either.i suggest you use the advice that others have here, which is to discuss this with your wife. as another suggestion, maybe there are issues from when she was younger, perhaps from when she was a child or teenager, that make her afraid of intimacy ?. Is she a very shy person, was she ever bullied at school, or did she have any problems with her family, or with any guys she liked before she met you ?.Do you know if that could be the case ?. i know some people expect you to get over that kind of stuff when you're older, but some people never get over it.On the other hand, maybe in her own mind, she has felt that she is too old for sex ?. I'm not sure if she would have thought that when you first stopped doing it, but maybe more recently she has ?.obviously, we dont know the answers to these questions unless you ask her what the issue is. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Is there any affection at all between the 2 of you? Is there any cuddling in bed, kissing, hugging or anything like that? Is there a medical reason that she cannot have sex or is it just that she has absolutely no desire for sex? Has she talked to her doctor about this? Have you tried to have sex with her and what is her response to your sexual advances? Does she just say no or does she push you away or what?
What is the actual situation here? Does she know how unhappy you are about this situation and how it is affecting you? Have the 2 of you discussed it at all.
As to finding it elsewhere, not normally a good idea at all. Do you think that she would let you do that? I have read about a few instances where a woman has told her husband to go out and get sex if he likes when she has no desire for sex. This would be very unusual, but it does happen. Without a lot more information, it is very difficult to answer this question.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Discuss it with your wife. If shes not interested in you in that area, she may be willing to turn a blind eye if you want to take a mistress. Who could blame you really, youve been a very faithful man, dont spoil that record. Talk to your wife and reach an agreement, she is being unreasonable if she wont have sex with you and refuses to let you look elswhere.
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female
reader, simplelady +, writes (19 February 2010):
I am no expert but I think if she says its okay then why not but maybe there is another solution. Will she give you oral sex perhaps?talk to her before making a decision to cheat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Hi Mike,
I agree, this site is brilliant!
I don't think it's wrong for you to look for sex elsewhere if your wife really isn't interested. Are you able to talk to her about you looking elsewhere for sex? Is she going to be hurt or upset by your suggestion?
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (19 February 2010):
I understand your need for sex but the best place to experiment is within your marriage. Why have you not had sex with her for so long? Is it her lack of desire or is it some type of condition preventing her from doing it? Have you tried talking to her? If so what did she say? Having sex with another woman always seems like a good idea until you get caught.
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