A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'd really appreciate it if you took your time out to read this, because I really need someone else's perspective on my relationship with my now ex... something I like to call 'the cycle.' I'm so sorry this is long, but I really need some advice.I met him in February last year through a friend and we instantly hit it off. He's 18, and from a Pakistani family, I'm 17 and from a white british family. We started going out in April last year, and our relationship was perfect until he went away for a month in the summer holidays to Dubai, came home and was a completely different person. He dumped me the day he got back, and said 'I need time to think', and for a month after that I chased him and begged for him back, and after a week of No Contact between either of us, he came back begging for a second chance and we started again. Between then and Christmas, he must have broken it off with me about 4 times, each time saying 'he couldn't do this anymore', so I let him go, and a couple of days later he'd come back begging for a second chance, until he eventually dumped me at Christmas, and we didn't speak for 3 weeks.He initiated contact with me, asked me to meet up with him, so I did do because I had nothing to lose. When I met up with him, he couldn't keep his hands off me, told me how much he missed me, he was hugging me, kissing me, gave me a piggy back, held hands with me, was laughing with me, and even looked me in the eyes and said 'I love you so much.' As far as I was concerned, he'd had his time to think, and he'd come back to get us on back on track, and that evening he was texting me thanking me for seeing him and arranging to see me later on in the week. The next morning he text me wishing me luck for my exam, and I thanked him and asked him if we were going to be meeting the next day which is what he'd said and he never replied. I took the hint and cooled off, and the next day I text him and asked if I was seeing him today, and he text back and said 'no sorry I've got an exam til 3.45 and then I have to go see my solicitor. sorry :( I'll text you later'... he never did. So a couple of days of silence passed, and I text him and asked him whats up. He didn't reply. So the following morning I text him and I said 'look, I thought you wanted to get us back on track, but you clearly don't and you're not even talking to me so I get the message. i've met someone else, and he treats me right and I wanna move on with him', and he immediately text back and said 'the reason I haven't been talking to you is coz I thought it was the easiest way to let you down. I had met someone else and I wanna be with her, sorry. I will always love you, thanks for everything.' And the conversation that followed was basically me asking him who she was and him saying 'I can't tell you.'Immediately, a big part of me thought he'd only said that because I said that, and he doesn't know many girls, he's not a particularly attractive boy, he's renowned for being a bit of a twat, and he was already with me, and I'm intelligent, doing well at school, I dance, I sing, I'm a model so why would he go of with another girl. I know that's going to sound really egotistical but he's always said to me I was his perfect girl and he didn't need anyone else, not to mention he'd always come back to me in the past.Anyway, he couldn't tell me who she was, or when he met her, or why he didn't want to be with me anymore, we had a big fight, I admitted that there was no one else and I only said that I had someone else to kick his butt and get him into gear, yet he wouldn't listen and kept telling me to leave him alone. We agreed to be friends, and talked as friends for the next couple of days, then it turned to silence.For the last two weeks I've put up a big fight to get him to stay because we were together for a year and I love him and I don't understand, and he's always maintained that there is no other girl, and I know there is no other girl, his best mate told me he was just being a d*ckhead. All I've done is send him maybe 3 or 4 texts telling him how much I love him and I'll wait for him, and on Saturday I decided to send him an e-mail telling him exactly how I feel, but on Tuesday I got impatient that he hadn't replied to any of what I sent him, so I text him asking him to kindly tell me if it was over or if he was just saying that to hurt me or punish me, and that if it was over completely I'd accept it and leave him alone - he didn't reply.Anyway I sent a text to him by accident which was meant to go to my friend, telling them about a new contract I might be getting on my phone, and my ex text back angry and said 'I'm glad you're changing you're number, I've forgotten it anyway. Why can't you just fuck off. I've moved on so why the fuck can't you. You're just a constant headache. Leave me alone.'So I text back and said 'there's no need to be so angry, I didn't even mean to send that to you. Besides, if you've 'moved on' all you had to do was tell me straight when I asked you what was going on and I wouldda got the message and gone.'And he text back with some bullshit, I didn't even read it I just deleted it because I knew it would be abuse, and I text him and said don't text me anything else because I won't read it.'And he continued to text me all night, I didn't even read the messages. I text him later that night and asked him what his problem his and he sent me a load of abuse about how he only met me the last time because 'I wanted quick, easy sex, and that's what you are, easy.', 'I feel nothing for you you stupid cow', 'our whole relationship was a lie.' 'it's over.'Needless to say I was pretty distraught, no one has ever spoken to me like that, not least someone who said they loved me, and I told him he disgusted me and how much I hated him.It got pretty heated, so I slept on it, and a couple of days later I sent him a text apologizing for my part in the argument and for constantly texting him provoking the argument, and that it would be cool if we could be friends at some point.He didn't reply, he didn't apologize, and nothing has been said between us for the past few days.My gut feeling, and my brain tell me that he hasn't found another girl, he only said that because I said it, but he's being a complete twat about the whole situation and he's playing games and trying to control me and see how far he can push my feelings and play with me by blowing hot and cold all the time, and he's doing this again and again and again and he'll come crawling in a few weeks expecting that we can just start all over again.I really don't know what to do now, I hate this situation, because I know if I saw him in the street he'd come over to me and give me a massive hug, but through the phone he tries to act like such a badman.I love him so much, and it's heartbreaking seeing him act like such an immature little boy, and now I really don't know what to do or how to act, because a big part of me is saying enough is enough, and another part is telling me that he's the one and it's just a phase. I don't know why he's acting like this and why he can't just be with me because when we're together we're happy and it's perfect.Thankyou if you took the time to read this, your advice on where I should go from here and what I should do would be greatly appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): I orginally posted the question but I forgot the code they gave me...
Anyway I just want to say thankyou everyone for you're advice.
I slept on it last night, and you're completely right.
He doesn't love me, and he doesn't care about me, but for whatever reason he just gets his kicks from messing me up and playing with my feelings.
It's heartbreaking for me to come to terms with the fact that the majority of my relationship has been a lie and that he never loved me, but it's time I put a stop to this crap so I'm going to move on and find somebody else who can treat me right and who won't keep breaking up with me for no reason.
Thankyou everyone x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): This boy is clearly not that into you. When a guy's words and actions contradict each other, trust his actions every time...they don't lie.
You need to move on and find someone that will treat you well, then you will finally understand just how wrong the way he treats you is. He is a total dick!
I know you love him and it hurts to let him go, but the pain will lessen with time and in a year from now you will be feeling brand new. If you continue to go through these cycles with him, you will continue to hurt, indefinitely.
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A
female
reader, Veranda  +, writes (19 February 2010):
It definitely looks like he has you where he wants you, and he knows it. I say this for two reasons. 1: Every single time he acts like a dick and dumps you out of nowhere, you take him back. 2.) He goes for long periods of time without trying to contact you.There's a few questions you need to ask yourself here. If you don't fight when your together, then why does he keep breaking up with you? If he honestly felt like he needed you in his life, why does he allow large amounts of time to pass before trying to contact you? The fact that you haven't met anyone else during your periods apart shows him that you'll always be there, no matter how cruelly he treats you. So treat you cruelly he does. I am not trying to be mean, but I would never let a guy treat me that way. If I were you, I would never speak to him again, change my number, and show him that it's wrong to treat females the way he treats you. I understand that you probably care for him and you say he's "unattractive" so that he hasn't found anybody ... ... ... but face it, a guy who had no other options would not dangle you on a string as he does.
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A
female
reader, Veranda +, writes (19 February 2010):
It definitely looks like he has you where he wants you, and he knows it. I say this for two reasons. 1: Every single time he acts like a dick and dumps you out of nowhere, you take him back. 2.) He goes for long periods of time without trying to contact you.There's a few questions you need to ask yourself here. If you don't fight when your together, then why does he keep breaking up with you? If he honestly felt like he needed you in his life, why does he allow large amounts of time to pass before trying to contact you? The fact that you haven't met anyone else during your periods apart shows him that you'll always be there, no matter how cruelly he treats you. So treat you cruelly he does. I am not trying to be mean, but I would never let a guy treat me that way. If I were you, I would never speak to him again, change my number, and show him that it's wrong to treat females the way he treats you. I understand that you probably care for him and you say he's "unattractive" so that he hasn't found anybody ... ... ... but face it, a guy who had no other options would not dangle you on a string as he does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): hey, Im really touched at your story and I can't really say that I know how your feeling but i can empathise. I don't want you to take my advice straight away as I don't want to stir anything up but just sit and think about the situation. These are merely suggestions.1. you can wait for a while for him to text back as, if he's used to you texting him all the time he'll think "have i really upset her that much?" and might text or call you back. 2. you could talk to a mutual friend and see if he/she has noticed any unusual behaviour.3. You could text him asking to talk about the situation maturely.But I think he's made his feelings rather clear... they maybe false but if he's hurt you so much and put you through this do you really want to go through it again?
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