A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, sorry for the long message, question is actually quite short, but needs the background to properly understand:I need advice / help on how to keep my marriage from falling apart. Some background info: my wife and I have been married for 6 years. We live across the country from her family. Mine is relatively close by (in the same state) but I'm not really close to them. Anyway, My wife is very close to her family. During the past year she has grown unhappy with the place we live. She doesn't really like the people here or her work. I'm fairly flexible about where I live, I've moved many times in my life, so I suggested we move somewhere closer to her parents so she could be happy. So for a few months we made plans and everything seemed to be going well, but at the last minute the plans fell apart and we were not able to move across the country. Problem is we didn't have a plan B. Obviously she had set her hopes on this move and she was very upset. A few weeks after we found out we couldn't move, she decided to take a few weeks off and go visit her parents. Barely a week after she's been there, she tells me she doesn't want to come back. She says she is happy with her family and doesn't have anything to go back to (i.e where we live) except for me, but that she doesn't think I'm doing enough to get us to move nearer to her parents. I understand that she feels bad and doesn't like where we are living, but I think as a married couple we should stick together, support each other through thick and thin and come up with a plan B that includes both of us together. The fact is I am applying for jobs every week. So far no one has called back. I am working on a plan B but it will take some time (i.e. trying to find a job across the country during this economy).She's told me that she just wants to stay with her parents and to let her know when I find a job near where her family lives and then she'd join me. But this could take months! She has already started looking for a job over there and her parents are supporting her completely. They don't seem to realize how much this is affecting our relationship. Basically, my wife is happy because she is closer to her family, and her family is happy because she is there, and I'm left all alone across the country and no one seems to give a crap about me. Her return ticket is set a week from now. She has already told me she doesn't plan on coming back here. But I want to do everything I can to convince her to come back and be with me, at least until I find a job on the other side of the country and then we can move together. I need her with me. She gives me love and support, which I simply don't get from her when she is far away. Talking over the phone and email simply doesn't cut it. I know she loves me, she's clearly told me that, but she dislikes this place so much that she'd rather not be with me than come back here. I've told her repeatedly that she wouldn't come back permanently, that I am doing everything I can to find work where she wants us to live, but so far nothing seems to convince her. I'm afraid that if I don't convince her to come back in a week from now that she will just stay there, and if I don't find a job there soon, our relationship is just going to deteriorate (neither of us can really handle long distance). This added pressure and stress is not helping me at all in my job hunt. This issue preoccupies my mind constantly and it's hard to concentrate on finding a new job when you're worried that you're about to lose your wife and your marriage. So my question is, in light of all of the above, how can I convince her over the next week to come back to our home across the country, away from her family, at least temporarily until I can find a job over there and we can finally move?thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): If you truly love you wife get rid of other obligations and go be with her. Set your priorities and make the move. You are in a do whatever it takes situation. If you invest in the situation the dividends will be obvious. I know where you are in the situation and not having support from the in laws is so incredibly hard. Now is the time to make a leap of faith.
A
female
reader, linz09  +, writes (24 August 2009):
 Erm short the answer is no...she wont come back, i think your best solution is as said before stay with her family, look for a job whilst you're their and you will be able to give your full committment to your job hunting and wont be stressing over your marriage...its really easy to say she should come back and she's being immature but until you have been in a situation where your living somewhere and your not near your family and friends it really gets you down and depressed and sometimes that can make you a little selfish. Relationships throw all kinds of problems,compromises and issues at us...so sell up and move over and be together, hope it all works out :)
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A
female
reader, xoxladyrellyxox +, writes (23 August 2009):
Aww you should go to her show her that your the man she wants cook her dinner and if you can't cook then take her out to a beautful dinner place but honey if that don't work sorry to say but baby your going to have find another girl I know you don't want to you can also keep your self with friend DON'T GET INTO TROUBLE have 1 night stands make your self feel good baby shell come back to you but then you'll be over her its her lost
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (23 August 2009):
 Why dont you ask your wife if her parents would put up with both of you living there temporarily with them until you sort yourself out with a job and home in their city?
Its obvious your wife has made her decision to stay with her parents and doesnt feel happy where she was staying with you.
Try and be patient with her, she sounds like a good wife to you in all other aspects but maybe mentally she was getting depressed there with you. Depression is not got for anyone.
I understand she is your wife and your right she should be with you but she couldnt handle the situation anymore.
Being across country is also not helping things.
My advice would be for you both to live with her parents temporarily until you sort yourselves out (not ideal i know but remember its not for a long time just for short term until you sort yourself out)
-sell up where you are and go be with your wife!
A small dispute like this is not worth losing a marriage over so compromise with her.
relationships are about give and take.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, blossom +, writes (23 August 2009):
Hi there, oh dear, what a dilemma. I totally understand your frustration and it is really affecting you, but I do not think you are going to convince her to come back, even though I believe she should. I think your wife is being really selfish and only thinking of herself and that is not what marriage is about. She should come back, so as you can both deal with this together. I also think that it shows that her loyalty is not with you, hence...she would rather stay with her family. I know that if I loved someone with all my heart, I could not leave them they way she has left you, so maybe there are other questions needing answered...as in, is she as commited to the marriage as you are???? You are doing all you can at the moment, by trying to find a job near her, but to be honest, you are powerless over this situation, as you cannot make someone do something they do not want to do. Im sorry, but there isn't really an answer to this. You are doing all you can, but I do believe your wife is being selfish. Sorry I cannot be of more help.
Blossom.x
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (23 August 2009):
 The real question is a different one: Why would you want her to come back to you? Sure, it is understandable that she misses her family, but she is your wife and her place should be with you, especially as you seem to be a loving and devoted husband who is willing to go to great lengths to make her happy.So are you sure that this is really just about her wanting to be close to her parents? Or is she using this as an excuse to end your marriage? She has TOLD you she loves you, but her behavior should tell you something different.My advice is that you have an open and honest conversation with her (in person, if you can afford to go and see her, by phone if not). Tell her that you love her and would do anything for her, but that her behavior is not acceptable to you. Ask her if there are other reasons why she does not want to live with you at the moment. If not, tell her that she must choose (for now) between you and her parents. If she really loves you, she must come home to you and support you in your job search (and the more she supports you, the sooner you will find a job near her family and the sooner the two of you can move there). If she doesn't love you anymore, she must tell you honestly, as it would be unfair of her to keep you hanging on. Since you don't seem to have children, a clean separation would be the best action to take in this case.
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