A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend is a pretty shy and clueless guy when it comes to girls. I'm his first girlfriend, and we've been dating for about 3 months. I'm 19, he's 22.We've been working together since fall of last year, and we first went out in January...and didn't again until April/May. Since then it's been fun, but a little strange.He has a hard time treating me like his girlfriend. He rarely texts me (we're not talk-on-the-phone people at all) on his or my days off, and when we do get to texting it's very short repsonses on his end. The only way I can keep him replying is if I start joking with him and giving him a hard time - which is more what friends do, you know?I'm a fairly low matience girlfriend, and I don't expect him to pay for expensive things for me, so usually when we have days off together we'll go to his apartment to just hang out. I don't mind this at all, because I get to be with him. I get along fine with his roommates, so thats good and all, but all we really do is just hang out with them the whole day. It's never just me and him.Here's the best part; the 2 times I've slept over at his apartment, he hasn't tried anything. I sleep in his bed, in his pj's, and don't give off a "don't touch me" vibe at all. He'll just give me a kiss, put his arm around me, and say goodnight. Now, it's not that I'm just waiting to jump his bones, to be honest I'd probably push him off if he tried anything, but what 22 year old guy just goes to sleep with a girl in his bed?I'm completely fine with moving at his pace, and he's told me when we first started dating that he's really shy, but now it's gotten to a point where I'm just making excuses for him not texting me, or not putting any moves on me. I'm close to my mom, so she's the one who usually hears about him. She gives me a really hard time about it, and it gives me an uneasy feeling when I'm just making excuse after excuse for how he acts.Last week we had two days off in a row together. It was a while since we did something outside of work, so I was hoping he would want to get together. -The first day I didn't hear anything from him, and I texted him casually for a little while, then nothing. No intention or hint of inviting me over or anything. -The next day, nothing again. -I had the following day off, he worked, and still nothing. Just a text at night about work. -Then tonight, I was supposed to work with him, but I got free tickets to a football game, and asked for the night off. He texted me when he went into work, asking where I was. I told him I got the free tickets, and he told me that I suck for not inviting him.It's just weird. I wanted to say "why would I invite you when you haven't talked to me at all?". Is he just completely clueless? Unnaturally shy? Does it have something to do with us working together (we keep our relationship hush hush at work)? Or am I just wasting my time putting up with him?I really like him. He says sweet things when we're together, so it's not like he's just using me for the girlfriend title (I think) and breaking up would be really awkward since we work together a lot. But I'm really not sure what to do. I don't want to tell him how to treat me, or what to say around me, so I'm not exactly sure what to say to him. He seems pretty clueless, so I don't want to completely unload all of this onto him. I just feel like his girlfriend when he wants to act like my boyfriend. Other than that, I feel like one of his guy friends.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): I agree with codewarrior. I think I am somewhat similar to your boyfriend in this respect and can relate, and I am confused by what you want, and I have the advantage of seeing you try to explain everything clearly.If he's like me, which it sounds like he is (quiet, shy, inexperienced), I would say this behavior probably doesn't mean he isn't interested in you. With regard to physical intimacy, he's probably just grateful you're together and is nervous to risk it by going a little farther. You need to be a lot clearer about what you want physically. You don't need to sit him down and lecture him, but if you two are together and you want to try something, you may need to physically guide him to where you want him to be so that he knows it's OK.I'm a little bit more concerned about the lack of communication. I'm sometimes that way because I'm embarrassed that I'll look clingy if I'm texting and calling all the time, and I want it to look like I have a successful life outside of our relationship, so I want to look busy. I think you just need to talk to him about that and just say it's OK and you'd be happy if he called and communicated more. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah Lazy Guy, I am bad at giving the hints. I try hard to be frank, but he’s so damn clueless that I don’t want to make him even more uncomfortable around me. And yeah, my friend told me the same thing about wearing his pjs, only she told me to go in with nothing on. It’s not that I’m completely covered; I wear his pajama pants – which are too short in the legs so I have to roll them up – and a usually revealing shirt of my own. I thought I was showing enough skin to get a reaction out of. And I did tell him he didn’t talk to me at all, so I went to the game with someone else, and he said he was sorry but that’s about it.
Yes he is a virgin, and like I said I’m completely fine with taking things slow and whatever he’s comfortable with. It’s just that whenever I tell other people that he’s just shy, they give me a hard time, and it comes off more of an excuse every time I say it.
I’m just more uncomfortable with the whole not talking to me on our days off thing. I feel so clingy when I start talking to him first and he gives short responses (and I know that’s how guys talk) on top of not even trying to get together with me. After almost a year of working together, and 3 months of being together outside of work, shouldn’t he be over the whole awkward shy thing? Is there something I should be doing?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 I get the feeling you are typical girl, who tend to be typically clueless about guys.
Let me guess, you have been giving "subtle" hints, haven't you?
Don't work sweety. There are TWO kind of guys in the world.
You subtle hint, you smile at him:
Guy A. Does NOT think, oh she smiles at me, she likes me. He thinks every girl likes him and hasn't noticed your smile.
Guy B. Does NOT thin, oh she smiles at me, she likes me. He probably thinks you are either just being polite, or smiling at the guy behind him.
You are speaking womanize and he is listening in manish.
An example, you are sleeping in his PJ's. Could there be a clearer sign that you don't want anything then covering yourself from head to toe? Why not put on a burka? Sure, wearing his clothes is cute and all, but it sends a subtle sign. You want him to hear, wear a candy string. And even then some guys might just think you like your candy a lot.
You wanted to say. No, you SHOULD have said. Don't play games with men's mind. They don't have one.
So, make a choice, can you be happy with a guy who needs things spelled out to him, in crayon?
I am fairly certain, he isn't YOUR first. You know the alternative. So, given that, make your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): I have to say that he's probably just not into you. If he was he would want to spend every minute of the day with you. I think you should ask him what the problem is?Btw... Have you asked him if hes a virgin? My friend was a virgin until she was 21. She had no confidence around men. If a guy she liked asked her out she would turn him down, not because she didn't like him but because she was scared of having sex with him and doing it wrong! Sounds stupid, but she was just really anxious about the whole thing. It took her ages to pluck up the courage and have sex!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 If he cannot be prepared to have a two-way relationship with you, then I am afraid he is a lost cause and that you should finish with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): You said it yourself: "So my boyfriend is a shy and clueless guy when it comes to girls." If you know this, then why would you expect him to figure this out on his own and suddenly start acting like a guy who has a clue?
On the other hand, maybe he does have a clue, but just doesn't think of you as his girlfriend. You have plenty of things that point to this. The big one being that he is clearly uncomfortable sharing intimate time with you and treats you like a buddy.
You are allowing him to dictate the terms of your relationship. That needs to stop. A relationship is a two way street. Each person has the right to set their terms. It is only a relationship when both people agree to the other's terms.
You need to talk to him about this and be prepared to walk away if you can't agree on what you both want out of your relationship.
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