A
male
age
51-59,
*ZKee
writes:Hello I seem to have a massive problem with my wife. She left after the death of a pet. She is living with a family member and doesn't want me visiting the house.There is no reason for this as far as I can see other than we recently had a pet pass away. The death was an ugly one, but I tried to help as best I could. I loved this little one, and I didn't want her to die.My wife left 2 months ago, and talkes about how she wants to come home using the house as an excuse I feel. She treats me as if I am a dirty secret and doesn't want me talking to anyone in her family. We've been married for 4 years and I thought I could trust her. She has taken up lieing quite a bit about almost everything. She told me of a guy she knew in school that he has been emailing her. I said I didn't want him emailing her anymore, and that she was not to email him either. She had a crush on this guy in school. I ask her to come home, but she says she isn't ready.She says that I am the only person who listens to her and tries to help, but she continously treats me this way. I really don't understand. It's hard to go through each day acting like nothing is wrong. She allows me to visit her which is 67 miles from me on my days off, there is no intimacy at all right now, no privacy for that either. She keeps me in public only. I feel as though I am the boyfriend she is too embarrassed to show to her family.She asked the other day if I felt she was controlling. I said yes, and that it hurts me. She doesn't want to know that she is hurting me so she isn't sad. (How fair is that?) I had pneumonia for 3 weeks and missed work, she only would tell me that I needed to go to the doctor, that is it. She never really asked how I was doing.She claims it's all depression, I want to believe, but I can't decide if she just decided to leave me over our pet, or if she never really loved me in the first place.I am hurting pretty bad right now, when I talk to my friends they don't say anything, they give me a "Oh my God" look as if I said something horrible. I don't know what to do, it seems she is trying to coax me into asking for divorce. She tells me she sometimes doesn't want to talk to me, and that she has entertained the thought of letting me go. I have no one to turn to, we moved closer to her family so we can have holidays with them and such, but I am never invited to family events, they always take place when I have to work. I am never invited anywhere when I am not working. When holidays come up if I am off work, we do nothing. I have offered to take her to see her family, but she says she doesn't want to.When we did go see her family I am made to feel like a third wheel and left out of everything. They go as far as giving me dirty looks when I walk in the house.I treated my wife as number one always. I've always loved and respected her, but she has admitted almost everything she has ever said to me in the past about things her family supposedly said were lies. One of her family members were totally rude to me the last time we went to their house. I was told not to stain the sheets or they'd kill me. As if sleeping under the sheets would cause a stain. If I had my car there, I'd have slept in the car. Even though it was 32 degrees outside.When I spoke with her over all these issues she defends her family and tells me I am not seeing things right. When I ask why I can't call her when her family is around, she gets mad at me. Am I wrong? Is her depression causing this? Is she controlling me as she asked me? I love her very much, but lately I've been feeling like finding someone else. I'm lonely and tired of being left out of the picture, with the exception of 10 or 20 minutes on the phone if I am lucky enough to get that much.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, JZKee +, writes (7 July 2009):
JZKee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the comments. I appreciate the advice. I am going to try to talk to her and see if it's all in my mind, or if she really does treat me this way.My family are pissed at her because she treats me mean.When I act silly, she gets mad. She used to laugh at it. Now she gets angry if I so much as blink wrong.Not too sure what I should do at this point. I'm returning her cold attitude to her, she doesn't like it a bit. She says she calls to hear that I love her and miss her, I told her that if she wanted to hear me say that I miss her, she shouldn't tell me I sound needy and all that crap.It's pathetic how some people treat their spouse. I am quite frankly tired of getting the shaft. Hope I make the right decision. I don't know what it will be, but I aim to find out.Thanks again.
A
female
reader, MN +, writes (5 July 2009):
Such a sad story... Either your wife and her family are literally brainsick -- please dont get offended; or she's trying to get rid of you. Why should you need to be in any relationship with these crazy people?? She's one of them, and she's no different! She's humiliating you! How do you know she's not cheating on you there? Maybe that's why she meets you in public only -- so that her new guy would know you don't have anything physical.
You loved her, always did what she wanted, had to move to a place where you don't know anybody, e.t.c. Youre such a great hub, and deserve a wonderful partner!!! The one who'll love and cherish you, never leave you lonely, and of course take care of you when you're sick. Believe me, not all women are .. bitches))). Best wishes and gooooooooood luck!!!!!
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A
male
reader, JZKee +, writes (4 July 2009):
JZKee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Beingblack for your answer. I understand what you're saying. She does call me but doesn't allow her family to hear her talking to me. She has kids, that's who she's staying with. They keep telling her she needs to make a decision and she just doesn't want to do that.
The loss of our pet hit us both hard. I wish I could make the pain go away.
I have not called her unless she calls and the call gets cut off by the wonderful cell phone company who's signal drops like a rock in a pond.
One of her kids are going to be visiting soon, and she said she won't be able to talk to me any because of the visit. Her youngest hates me. I'm not their biological dad, I'm just a step-dad who gets the raw deal. I didn't do anything except marry their mother, and they want her all to themseves. But her oldest doesn't want her staying there anymore. They want her to go home where she belongs.
I am trying so hard. But talking to myself doesn't help at all. I try telling her, but she gets angry.
This is so hard.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (4 July 2009):
 I feel very sorry to hear how the situation seems to have spiralled down into a battle of wills, instead of being two people trying to find common ground.
I have been told that for some people, losing a pet can feel like losing a member of the family. Maybe your wife feels the loss just as sharply. From what you say, there are no actual children involved. So while you need to recognise that she requires time to get over the pet, she needs to realise that, as your wife, she has a certain level of responsibility to your marriage.
If you want your marriage to remain, then you have to meet her in public, away from her family, and ask her how she really feels about you. If she cares about you, she will give you some hope that things will return to normal, in time. If she has moved on in her heart, then she will not. Unfortunately, I suspect that your life has already changed forever. After two months away, I cannot see her coming back and being happy.
Being male, I would suggest that you start to live your own life, without being unfaithful, and build some friendships locally. The ball is in your wife's court. Only she can decide what she wants to do next. But you MUST stop chasing and calling her, as much as this might hurt you. Be strong, and if and when the time comes that she wants to come home, see how you feel then. If she makes no move to return, then you wont have been idly waiting in vain.
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