A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I am a 33 year old man who has been married for almost 9 years. When I was 19 and gettign ready to go into my second year of college, I met what would end up being my future wife. i was instantly attracted to her. She was amazing. I liked her so much that even though I was getting ready to move awy to college (almost 200 miles away) I decided to stay with her and try the long distance relationship thing. It was difficult at first; however, we both expressed our feelings for one nother and we began a routine of whre I would come home once per month for a weekend and she would come up to see me once a month. Our relationship quickly grew into love. I lovd her so much and she constantly prefessed her love to me that I was given no reason to think that she would do anything to betray me. Let me add that I was always faithful to her, despite numerous advances from other women.Everything was going great. i finished my first year of college and was finally home for teh summer. We spent almost everyday together; however, one night I was coming hme from my summer job and was greated by a friend of mine. his girl had actually become a mutaul friend between us. This friend was a former high school girlfriend who I maintained a friendship with. However, back to that night. She greeeted me as I got out of the care and said she had something to tell me. She told me that my girlfriend (who is now my wife) had slept with a good friend of mine a few months ago. The night in question was the night before my girlfriend was coming up to see me. I told her that she most be lisinformed. She said no, its true, she told me that something happened, but just told her that she kissed him. I was furious. I immediately went over to my girlfreind's house and confronted her. I didn't tell her that I knew any details and she told me that he tried to kiss her and she pushed him away. I then told her I know she kissed him and she started crying and told me that she was drunk and that she did kiss him and that it could have went further, but she stopped him. I was initally angry, but since she swore that nothing else happened and that she was afraid to tell me becuase she knew I would leave, I eventually forgave her; hwoever, I still ahd some doubts.We continued to date all through college and after five years together, i completed college, moved home, we had a daughter and moved in together. Two years after I moved home, we got married and eventually had another daughter. All was going great until in January of this year. My wife always kept keep sakes from her teenage years. Lots of pcitures, letters and other crap that she said she wanted to keep to show our daughters hw she was when she started dating boys, etc.. Well one day, I had to go in the garage for something and came across a box full of letters. I picked up one letter and it began with "Hey Babe". At first I thought it was a letter I wrote to her but as I began to read it, I realized it was from the gu she dated right before me. I know this guy and was infomred by her on numerous occasions that he mistreated her, even hit her at times. As I read the letter, I began to get sick. It contaiend numerous refernces to sexual encounters between my wife and him when they dated. I could care less that my wife had sex with an old boyfriend, but became angry about why would she be holding on to them?? Also in the letter described soem pretty detailed sexualy acts. My wife had always told me that she was very inexpeirenced sexually and said that alot of the things that we did together were firsts for her. I imediately confrionted her about the letters and told her that either the letters are gone by the time I get home from work the next day or I am. She complied. The next day, however, all I could think about was that night were she kissed my friend. I guess it was the lie about her sexual expeirence that got to me and made me start thinking that maybe she was lying about that. I decided to test my theory. I called her on my way home and told her that I bumped into someone on my way home and that I needed to talk to her as soon as I got in. When I got in, she was very nerous. I told her that i bumped into my old freind. It should be known that I have not spoken to him since the night in question. I told her that he approached me, asked me how I was, and then proceeded to apologize for sleeping with my girlfreind all those years ago. I told her that he didn't know that we wer still together. Her face went blank. I asked her if she had anything to tell me. She still denied it. Then, I told her that I was tired of being lied to and that since she could not tell me the truth, I was leaving. As i got up, she told me to wait and admitted to sleeping with him that night. She had told me that he told her that i was sleeping with multiple girls at college adn she became angry and was so drunk that when he made a move on her, she slept with him.Well here I am now. Every day is a nightmare for me. I have stayed with my wife, but i can't look at her some days. i am so disgusted that not only would she betry me, but she lied to me all these years out of her own selfish motives. First, she cheated on me and lied to me when I confrotned her 15 years ago. She knew that i never would ahve married her had I have known. Secondly, on the first night we met, we where very sexually active, although we did not have acutal sex, we did almost everything else. She was very embarassed after wards and said she has never done anything like that when she first met someone and amde it out like I was special. i kinda liked that, but if thats how she was when we first met and 8 months later, she is fucking my friend, what kind of woman is she? To add insult to injury, the night she slept with him (without proection) she came to see me the very next day and had sex with me! MAybe I am overeacting because this was so many years ago, but I feel like my entuire relationship has been a lie. I feel like all the qualites that I admired in my wife and were the reasons I married her, are not true. She has been trying to make this work and has told me that she is sorry and that nothing else has ever happened. I want to beleive her, but how can i beleive anything she says to me if she could lie to my face for 15 years! I am seriously condiering divorce but have told her I will give it more time to work things out if we can. The saddest part is that since I came froma broken, absuive home, I shared with her that all I ever wanted was to ahve a nice family with the woman that i love and raise our children and knwoing that, she still lied about what happened so I would stay with her. In conclusion, I have to add that i have been an expectional husband. Vry Loving, always doing my sahre around the house. i even took on 3 jobs so she didn't have to work for the past 4 years so she could be home with our daughter. I do love her, but i feel that i should be with someone who isn't so decietful. Advice please?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011):
Just goes to show there are a lot of immature people here. Would you REALLY kick the partner that you profess to love to the curb and destroy the lives of two children because your partner lied about the extent of her relationship 15 years ago? If so, no wonder the divorce rate is so high. I think it's really sad that some people would do so without a second thought.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I am sooo glad others have also now leapt to the OPs defence. I think this is very admirable.
OP, if I did what your wife did I KNOW what my hb would do. So yeh your wife has got off very lightly. So she should grasp this opportunity to come clean....
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Why does the husband *NEED* to calm down and come to grips with this?!?
The husband has a *CHOICE* whether or not he wants to come to grips with this! He doesn't owe his wife a goddamn thing if he does not want to forgive her. He has every right to leave her over it and it wouldn't be a bad mark against him in my book.
She CHEATED ON HIM and LIED ABOUT IT FOR 15 YEARS!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I find it strange that so many people here are "dissing" this man for tricking his wife into confessing her infidelity. She is the one who cheated on him with his friend. She is the bad guy here, not him.. try to remember that when you are commenting. And the one who seems to think that he has anger management issues and needs help because he hung a beating on his so called friend... that is laughable... his ex friend more than deserved it for this betrayal. Now I am not sure what you should do but I certainly would not be letting her off the hook anytime soon. She knew then that you would not have married her if you had known the truth. This is serious fraud as far as I am concerned. It would take a lot to convince me that I should stay in the marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Yea this would be a deal breaker for me. Toss her like yesterday's paper. Call your lawyer and change the locks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): I agree with male anon. I also cannot believe that the OP has been taken to task for "tricking" his wife into confessing. OP trust your gut, and get to the bottom of this mess once and for all. And yes, you have every right to question whether your wife has remained faithful to you in your marriage. Although you are angry you are justified by wanting the whole bloody truth.....Marital counseling won't be easy but with both partied being totally honest and truthful, this marriage can be saved. Anything else....LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Who said that these crimes "cancel each other out"?The reality, though, is that both parties are at fault here. His wife didn't lie about being with another man for 15 years. What she lied about was the extent of what happened. Remember, this was before they were even married! That former high school girlfriend really screwed up both of these people's lives who are clearly a wonderful match by opening her pie hole. Does it *REALLY* matter if his wife kissed the guy, gave him a bj, or had sex with him - especially at *THIS* point? I mean, the OP is fuming about something that happened 15 years ago!I am not saying he shouldn't be hurt, but he needs to put this into perspective. Is he really going to throw away 15 years of a wonderful marriage and ruin the lives of his kids because his wife told him she kissed a guy when she actually did something more? And if she is afraid of losing her marriage and tells him they slept together once, but it is actually twice and he later finds out is he going to hold that over her head? That is very, very petty and immature at this stage and *THAT* is what I blame the OP for not realizing. He needs to cool down and come to grips with this. Talking to his wife might help, but it could just reopen old wounds for her. They were college kids, she made a mistake while they were dating, she didn't want to jeopardize her relationship, and she played down the incident. See it for what it is. This is not some full-blown affair. Again, I speak as a voice of experience here in many ways: way to much to get into. Keep in mind that sometimes people lie in the other direction, too. My wife told me that she had a sexual relationship with the guy she met before me. I have always been jealous of that and I think that was her intent back then when she was 21 and unwise. However, even now that he's married every once in a while he still tries to weasel into her life now. Well, after his latest attempt at contacting her I had a heart to heart with my wife and she told me that she never had sex with him. Yeah, they did some stuff, but not penetrative sex, and it only happened ONCE. I had all these ideas and images in my head all this time of this jerk and that just it: it was all in my head. Most of OP's problem is in his head. He needs to get it right. I do not absolve his wife, but if she had been truthful with him like he wanted her to be back then then he wouldn't have a wonderful wife, kids, and marriage. Truthfully, it sounds like she made a good decision given what kind of person OP is and if it bites her in the butt now then maybe we learn that OP isn't the man he claims to be when he says that he wants to know the truth and can handle it, because to me it seems he cannot.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): If I was given a choice between my wife cheating on me and then lying to me about it for 15 years, or my wife tricking me just to see if I had been lying to her for the past 15 years . . . I know which one I would pick.
The idea that these two crimes "cancel each other out" is absolutely ludicrous. I don't know how any sane person could think that way unless they just walked into this thread looking for a reason to support the wife on principle.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): You want the impossible, which is for her to tell the truth and for you to KNOW that it is. However, I get the feeling that whatever she says you will be second-guessing her and yourself. Not only that, but you say that you can handle anything and the truth is - and I say this as someone who has been there - you probably can't. You sound very angry and hurt and upset, which is understandable. However, you do not sound completely rational. This is to be expected, but until you can think about this rationally you are prone to making big mistakes. Sit down with your wife, hear her out, and then let it go forever. Don't go back to this 15 years from now when you find out that she was only 98.5% truthful with you because, frankly, your wife's betrayal is rather minor compared to your reaction to it. You act like none of us here giving you advice have been betrayed and, frankly, it is a turnoff when we are trying to help you save your marriage and retain your sanity, because I would give my left nut to be in the situation you are in versus the one I found myself in. You like to talk a lot and it is probably therapeutic for you, but you have a hard time listening. As for what to say to her, tell her "Thank You!" and tell her that you want her to feel like she can tell you anything because you love her and do not want to leave her. Also tell her that she will have to bear with you for some time while you work through this, because while it is history to her it is like it just happened to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): Why don't you show her this thread?
You go to great lengths and explain things here perhaps better than you will do when you speak to her in person.
She can read the thoughts of others and she can gain insight into what has been going through your mind lately.
There is nothing more open and honest than what you have said to us in this thread and there's a hell of a lot in this to be able to express that in person.
Don't be afraid to show her this, if honesty and openness is what you want then you can get the ball rolling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): Hi Everyone - This is OP - I can't thank people enough for their advice and feedback. It really has made me think about alot. So here I am. I spoke with my wife before I left for work this morning and asked her if she would like to sit down and talk. I explained to her that things can not continue the way they have been, thats its not fair to either of us. She agreed that we will speak tonight. I really want to save my marriage. I have started to research marriage counselors in my area and will present that option to her as well, but there are a few things that I need to get cleared up, and need some help with how I should go about dong that.First off, I am not angry, I am very upset. I feel like my heart is broken for two main reasons. First the fact that she slept with my friend, I know this happened a long time ago but to me it feels like it was yesterday. Secondly, all the lying. Lying to me when it happened, keeping it from me for all those years, and finally, the thing that is prssing me so hard now, the story she suppiled me when she finally confessed to what had happened. In response to some feedback that I receved here, I know her whole story is a lie. I know I would propabaly be better off not knowing the details of what happened, I get it, she had sex with him, I don't need nor do i want a play-by-play. But, I am stuck on why when confesing she made up a fictional story. I am guessing that she doesn't want me to know why to spare my feelings, but at this point, I would rather have the truth than knowing that she is comfortable continuing to lie to me.I don't want to hurt my wife, she has given me a great marriage, better than most I would say, but I need to know where we stand., I want it to be crystal clear that I can no longer tolerate any lying in our reltionship. To those of you who have given me crap about deceiving her to get her to confess, I know what I did was deceitful, but I knew there was no way she would have admitted to what she had done unless she truley thought she was cuaght, in the end I feel the the end justified the means.I know we all make mistakes, but infidelity and betrayal to me is a mistake that comes with consequnces. Relationships are a two way deal. I was able to refrain from betraying her and she wasn't it. Betrayal comes with consequnces. If she would have confessed then, I most certainly would have ended the relationship, but who is to say that we would not have gotten back together. We were young but I loved her and love is very powerful, but she did not give me that opportunity. Instead, she chose to lie about waht she did in order for her to forgoe the consequnces of her actions (there is a reason they call it cheating)I guess waht i'm asking is this : How do I get her to finally tell me the truth? I am preapred to her just about anything. If she was attracted to him, fine. If ther has been more than one time over the years, although i will be very hurt, i will respect her for clearing her conscience. I love my wife, i love my children. i will do almost anything to keep my family together. I simply can't justify staying in a mariage where my wife feels comfortable enough lying to me. If she is keeping these things from me to sapre my feelings, she is doing the complete oppisite. She is crushing me inside. I guess what Im saying and beleive me i never thaought i would be saying this, but If she can't be hoenst with me, I cant be with her, period. I don't wanna trick her into telling me the truth, I want her to show me that she does love me as much as she says she does and act like an adult and stop lying to me. I hope she does. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I will keep you updated on how it turns out, but please, any sugestions on what to say to her would be greatly appreciated. Please, no negative feedback. All im looking for is advice on what I should say to her to finally tell me the truth. I was happily married before and want to be ahppily married again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): OP , I repeat you have every right to feel the way you do. That is only human, a normal feeling. You are hurting and you have reason to hurt.You decide what you are now going to do. I see nothing wrong in your methods to get to the truth. And I am glad you have. At least now you know what happened and the lies that followed.If you did not get to the bottom of this, your marriage would still be mucked up. Now you are clear what has happened and your wife should be accountable for her lies and actions.Just keep us posted to the outcome of your decision.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is OP - for the people that have been giving me good advice thank and please keep it coming- for those who have been trying to turn this into debate on who is more at fault - are you serious? I posted on here to try and get some advice from people who have been in my shoes on how to save my marriage. People who keep insisting that I simply get over it if it was that easy I wouldn't have even possted. The only reason I posted was that I couldn't talk to any of my friends bc if I stay with my wife I don't want people to look at her differntly.I do love my wife - so much that I got very upset over what she did - if I didn't I wouldn't care. I'm not abusive or controlling I'm simply upset. Wouldn't you if you were tormented by images of your spouse naked with someone else? I'm hurt that she lied to me. And to the person that said that I am violent bc I beat the shit out of my friend when I heard about what he did are you kidding me? I was raised that you don't mow anothwr mans lawn so he got what he deserved! I'm not a violent man but some things are inexcusable.I'm sorry but I don't agree with the idea of 15 years of marriage making for sleeping with my friend and lying for 15 years. I have more self worth than that. I bust my ass to get through 7 years of college (ba - ma) and the whole time working 2-3 jobs so she can be stay at home mom.I would be able to forgive her if I wasn't sure she was still lying. That's the hardest part. How can she still lie after all this. I'm sorry but I'm not gonna go out of my way to make her feel safe and secure in the plush lifestyle that I have given her just so she can can finally tell me the truth. She is the one that is begging forgivness so she wants to make our relationship she needs to start with honesty not more lies. This may sound harsh but if she can't be honest with me I will never be able to trust her again and will be better off without her. I love her but not enough to be treated like an idiot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Let's not let this turn into a debate about who holds the greatest share of accountability here.
The fact is they both made big mistakes, they both have things to work on, they've both lied and deceived each other and they both have to find a way together to move past this.
Seeing as the OP is the one here asking for help, then our advice should be directed at him. He has already stated he knows he acted badly and was wrong to trick her like that. So accountability is now irrelevant and it's not going to help.
OP is the guy in this, he's looking for help not to be put down for the mistakes he's made, he's looking for help to fix this. So please, either offer him some helpful advice or just don't post. A debate about who is to blame is just useless semantics and making the OP feel bad isn't going to do him any good, seeing as he already lifted his hands up and admitted his own failures.
A marriage counselor, one that will act as an intermediary is probably your best course of action OP. Only when your wife feels safe that you're not going to leave her, only when she feels safe that you're not going to find something else to fly off the handle about will she be able to let go and tell you the whole truth. OP you have just as much work to do convincing her of this as she does of finally putting this matter to rest by telling you everything.
You both have to work hard to put your mistakes behind you. You can't just look solely at her to fix this, it will take time and effort from both of you to fix what's broken but you have to give it a try.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Sorry, Lovegirl, but if you want to talk about accountability then the OP also needs to be accountable because his actions have been less than honorable. I think has wife has redeemed herself by providing him a wonderful marriage. You can't beat her over the head with this for 15 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): We have all expressed our opinion, some even "bashing" the OP (which I feel is very disrespectful and even rude and judgemental towards him).
Please help me out here:
When have we all stopped being ACCOUNTABLE for our actions? On a daily basis we are advised to tow the line: at school(rules and regulations), at university ( more rules), at work (hey try by passing a few rules and feel the power of the almighty authorities putting you in your place) but sadly in marriage/relationships, the same do not apply. Why do we choose to ignore the "rules of marriage/relationships".
If a minor/person is drunk and commits an offense does this person not have to pay the price? Or is the law more lenient merely because that person was drunk?
OP, as I said previously , mourn the loss of your marriage as you knew it to be. BUT if you think you can forgive and also forget then work on your marriage, if you really cannot get over your wifes lies and betrayal then please end the marriage because you will destroy yourself in the process.
Get marital counselling before you throw in the towel.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Have you heard the expression don't get the cart before the horse?
I think this is one of those times that this does not apply. You are letting the actions of people who were not much more than children, effect the lives of mature and responsible adults.
All that you know to be true now is a bitter pill to swallow. Although all this is old history to your wife and this guy, it all just happened in your mind.
But don't let this thing rage out of control. There are many lives this will effect. Your children. You will doom yourself to an agony worse than the one you now face if you act on this.
Can't tell you what to do but to take this all in measure and take a deep breath before you act out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 You want us to second-guess the poor choices a scared and drunken teenager made 15 years ago? You confronted her 15 years ago, but she's only been your wife for 9? When did you have your first child together?
And you beat up your friend 15 years ago. That's kind of scary. You beat him up and then never spoke to him again. So your wife knows you are capable of violence followed by complete social shunning. Hm. Was she pregnant at this point?
I don't know why your wife felt the need to lie to you. I think that 15 years of being together, 9 years of marriage, would be worth the investment in professional help. Go see someone who can actually talk to you both and work on this together with both of you. Why wouldn't you be trying to solve this with every resource at your disposal? Maybe you are doing her the greatest possible disservice and are assuming the worst. Maybe she never did anything more than what she told you. On the other hand, maybe she did get more involved with this ex-friend of yours. Maybe she consented to some physical intimacy with him. Maybe she didn't.
You have to decide if you want to try to save the marriage first. If you do, get real about it. Get actual professional help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Cerberus makes some very good points. I think that:1. You are confusing how your wife feels now with how she felt then. I have no doubt that if she could do it all over again differently she would. She made a bad mistake. Forgive her for it. Don't hold it over her head. I am sure you are not perfect and yet she's given you a great life.2. You don't want to know the truth. Seriously, you don't. Do you think it would make you feel better if she told you that she thought he was always thought he was hot, couldn't resist having sex with him, and loved every minute of it at the time? (Not saying this is true, but what if it was the truth?) You are better off not knowing the gory details of who did what to whom. You can't even handle the limited information she's told you and, truthfully, it doesn't matter. Here's a story:When my wife and I were just starting to date and before we committed to each other she was seeing another guy who had a reputation as a bit of a player. She told me that they had made out, but never had sex together, although she did tell me she spent the night with him watching a movie once when the buses stopped running late (sound familiar?). I don't think it would have mattered too much to me at the time if they had sex or not, but that she told me they didn't made me feel better about our relationship for some reason. Maybe because I felt like I was more special to her. One day about a year into our relationship we were talking (I cannot even remember the context) and she let slip that she had sex with him. I told her that she had said they never did. She got quiet and said "Well, technically we didn't, but..." I didn't push on it. It didn't matter. Did I really want to hear that she gave him a blowjob or that he fingered her or that he rubbed all over her and came on her stomach or whatever happened that fell just short of sex but close enough? No, I didn't, and trust me: neither do you. It will just make you sick to your stomach.3. This happened such a long time ago. She was lying to protect your feelings and to preserve your relationship. Her lie is not as bad as you think that it is. Does it really matter if she kissed this guy or if he had his hand under her shirt or even if they had sex? She came clean to you about it that there was an encounter. It's not like she's been hiding that fact from you for 15 years. The extent maybe, but I am sure it's not something she is proud of. Don't you feel so great that you tricked her into admitting something she is ashamed of? Does this sound like the behavior of a loving husband to you? Tell her how hurt you are, forgive her, and move on with your lives before she starts thinking about how she really can't handle living with a jealous, controlling husband who can't accept that she's not the perfect creature he thought she was. These are the times where the character of men are measured and, frankly, you are coming up small. If I were her I would be wondering if you loved me if you are threatening divorce over this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): "Her story is that he kept tellign her all night that i was cheating on her and he drove back to his house and while in teh car, tried to kiss her. She says tht she stopped him, but ended up going in the house with him anyway and going up to his bedroom to watch a movie."
Of course there's something wrong with that story, it's horse shit. All of it is. Firstly, that whole him telling her you cheated part is ridiculous and no offence dude, but if all it takes to get her to betray you, is telling her that you cheated on her then have every reason to be suspicious. I mean come on, if someone said that to my girlfriend she'd punch them in the face for being a liar or she'd go nuts and go ask everyone she knows if it's true, she'd then probably be too upset to even continue drinking and go home.
Secondly they drove back to his place together, why did they do that? I mean some guy who has been saying all night to your girlfriend that you're cheating scum and instead of telling him to feck off, that he's lying or find out some other proof, she decides to go be alone with him instead?
Thirdly and this is when it gets imaginative, after all the cheating talk, after all that shite, he makes a move on her in the car and she pushes him off. Okay then fine, it happens, yet what does she do next? She decides to go alone to the bedroom of the guy who has all night been making moves on her and just tried to kiss her in the car, to watch a movie?
OP your wife will say anything she thinks you want to hear just to cover her own ass. It's very easy for us to sit here and tell you to get over it and think 15 years of great marriage is worth it but you've just found out that not only is your wife capable of the biggest possible lies but she has no problem continuing to do so. That story is bunch of crap OP. It keeps changing too, the details change every time you ask her.
You still can't trust her because she's still not being completely straight with you. But you know what? If she is being completely honest with you and that is exactly what happened then you have even less reason to trust her because if she's that easy when she's drunk, if she's that gullible and lets guys talk her into sex so easily then you have 15 years of thinking of all the girly nights out she's had, weekends away etc. to wonder if she's done anything like that those times too.
Look your behaviour while not perfect is understandable. Getting rid of the letters was a bit much, getting rid of her mementos is not going to erase what she lied about. You overreacted and went about creating your own lies and deception to catch her out, it doesn't matter if your actions were vindicated by what you found out, you really did put your relationship at jeopardy with those actions. So she's not the only one with work to do to fix this.
What you need to do is to stop threatening to leave every five minutes, you said it yourself, the reason she lied to you in the first place was because she was afraid you'd do that. How do you expect her to tell the truth when you keep throwing that out as a possibility?
That brings me to another point OP, 15 years she lived a lie to make sure she could keep you, yes that's deceitful but it still counts for something doesn't it? She was willing to do that while wrong, does have some positive aspects you can't ignore. That lie gave you 15 years of a great marriage and two daughters, so it's not 100% bad.
You need closure on this issue OP and the only way you'll get that is to stop threatening to leave, stop reacting like that and go get counseling.
I don't doubt you want to get past this and I don't doubt that she's still the woman you want for the rest of your life, so you have to let her know that. You have to reassure her that you're never going to leave her but you're finding life very difficult because her story just doesn't add up and if did happen that way then you have a lot of thinking to do because that probably wasn't the first nor last time she's made that kind of mistake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): You don't know the entire story, and never will. It was 15 years ago, she may or may not have been drunk, and may or may not remember everything.She lied to you.She lied a lot. Why? Because she didn't want to lose you, that's why. She's probably told more lies than you can shake a stick at, but you don't need to know all of them."Every day is a nightmare for me. I have stayed with my wife, but i can't look at her some days."This is normal, it all starts from the Day of Disclosure, and goes on for 2 years or more, even if the events took place 10 years ago. For those who don't understand this and tell you to "get over it, it was 15 years ago", they need to walk in your shoes and then they will understand. They don't call it "Day of Disclosure" for no reason." First, she cheated on me and lied to me when I confrotned her 15 years ago."Because she was afraid, and she knew she would lose you if she told you anything. More below on that, but remember, she had another guy and then realized she'd made a big mistake."She knew that i never would ahve married her had I have known."Exactly, and she didn't want this other guy, she wanted you. However, you were away from home and she started to feel inferior, and unattractive and like she wasn't as good as those girls at college, and she was getting the message that you weren't going to be there....even though she found out in the end that you were."Secondly, on the first night we met, we where very sexually active, although we did not have acutal sex, we did almost everything else. She was very embarassed after wards and said she has never done anything like that when she first met someone and amde it out like I was special."You weren't special on the first night, seriously, you only became special after a while, and really became special after years. Now, you can be more than special."what kind of woman is she?"Normal human being, subject to all the fears and traumas of life, and the insecurity of life, just like you are."MAybe I am overeacting because this was so many years ago, but "No, it was yesterday, the betrayal and manipulation don't end until the lying ends. That is what is beginning to happen now.I feel like my entuire relationship has been a lie."No, it hasn't, but your entire relationship has been contaminated by lies. The question is, can you save it now."I feel like all the qualites that I admired in my wife and were the reasons I married her, are not true."This is not true either, they are still there, but you know more about her than you understood before."The saddest part is that since I came froma broken, absuive home, I shared with her that all I ever wanted was to ahve a nice family with the woman that i love and raise our children and knwoing that, she still lied about what happened so I would stay with her."She probably stayed with you because she loved you...just you...and she was afraid of losing you and being alone at one point...only she can truly answer this question."I have to add that i have been an expectional husband. Vry Loving, always doing my sahre around the house. i even took on 3 jobs so she didn't have to work for the past 4 years so she could be home with our daughter"Which may have made her feel like shit, because she would think about her lies and think "how could I have done this to him".I'd suggest some reading, for both of you. I'd also suggest counseling, and think on the terms of a couple of years of it...no kidding. You probably don't know the full extent of her infidelity, although you may, you see she is afraid to tell you things because she thinks you are going to leave, and most cheating spouses/partners do a lot of minimizing what they have done. Until that stops, you just don't know, and they can't get past it either.http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801XHave your wife read this post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Hey Everyone, This is teh guy who wote this post again. Thank you once again for teh advice. Even though I don't agree with all of it, it has casued me to think alot more. HAve I been too controlling? Have i been too manipualtive? Maybe, but I think that it is important to understand what kind of relationship I have had. My wife was everything to me. I never met anyone with whom i gave myself to like I did with her. We wer crazy about each other. Peopel used to tell me how jealous they were of waht we had. I guess I 'm just having a hard time with dealing with the fact of what she did. I understand that pople make mistakes, but when it comes to something like this, I just can't let it go.I know peopel have been aking what kind of relationship we had before this and to be honest, it was great. We really do compliment one other in an amazing way. She has alwys told me how crazy she is about me and how much she loves me and I do beleive that she does, but when you love someone as much as she described, or said she did back then, why do yu go and do what you did?People have also been asking me if I know if it has happened again since the last time, and to be honest, I want to say no, but I didn't think it happened the last time, so how can i tell?I guess this question is for the women out there. Please be honest, as this will truley help me. What makes a woman, who says that she is truley in love and is going to see her man in less than 24-hours, go out and get drunk with one of her man's freinds and end up sleeping with him? Her story is that he kept tellign her all night that i was cheating on her and he drove back to his house and while in teh car, tried to kiss her. She says tht she stopped him, but ended up going in the house with him anyway and going up to his bedroom to watch a movie. There is something wrong with this story, it just sounds odd. i think this is why I'm having such a hard time with all of this, becasue Im afraid that she is lying to me and Im afraid that if I forgive her and give myself to her again, i wil simply end up getting hurt worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Dear OP
firstly your emotions are very real and you are JUSTIFIED in feeling betrayed.
you have every right to feel betaryed and hurt and to question the past 15 years.
was your marriage based on a lie?
was your wife covering up her lies and her half truths?
has she ever given you reason to doubt her faithfulness while married to you.
only you can decide to "punish" her. only you can decide to forgive her BUT understand this, it may be deemed old fashioned and backward : You have every right to be hurt and go through the motions of betrayal. Mourn this "deceit" in your marriage. Mourn and heal, one day at a time. Your wifes behaviour and her deliberate lies have to be addressed.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011):
The fact is that she cheated, lied about it, and then spent the next 15 years of her life with you. Were those 15 years good? If so, why throw them away? I am not saying it doesn't matter. You have a right to be hurt and upset. However, I think you would be a fool to throw a good marriage away over this at this point. I would've dumped her had I found out about it back then, but now... after 15 years of a good marriage with kids? You are a better man than to wreck your life, her life, and the lives of your kids over this. Act like one. Seek counseling to help you get past the betrayal you feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Well, I was raised to believe that a person has a right to be angry when they are cheated on and lied to for 15 years. Maybe that sounds funny or old-fashioned to some people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Why bother writing a long posting asking for advice if you aren't going to even consider taking it? What a waste of time...just like the 15 years of marriage you are going to throw away because you are an angry man.
Please, leave your wife now. It can't be easy for her to have to put up with someone as angry, controlling, manipulative, and unforgiving as you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): Hi everyone. I am the one who posted this question. To those you ave some good advice, thank you. For the others, let me address these things one by one:1) People who are telling me that this is ancient history, it is only history because she chose to lie and hide it for so long, knowing that if I knew I would have left her in an instant. That is selfish and manipulative. Why should I get strung along because she simply wanted to and forget about it?2) secondly, for the person who said that my friend took advantage of her in a fragile state. She made a choice to believe the lies that my friend told her. She never considered calling me and confronting me. Being drunk is never an excuse. She knew what she was doing and knew it was wrong, otherwise why would she go through great effort to lie about it? That is why people lie.3) This does not apply to all women, but I have never heard a man make this statement. Just because it was so long ago, I should forget about it? Let me see, what your telling me is that if a guy cheats, he should make sure to hide it for a long time and then say everything is OK because it was a long time ago. Cheating is cheating, I don't care when it was as long as you are in a committed relationship with someone and you go outside of that relationship and destroy the trust that is in it, its cheating.4) Finally, i did take care of my so cold friend, I beat the shit out of him 15 years ago.This whole situation is all screwed up. The fact is that she decided to cheat, lie about it
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): Leave your beautiful wife and family and live a life of misery alone. Neither of you are the people yoy were 15 years ago. Those who say leave her are jealous of your life. There are many bitter people out there who don't even know you but would happily see your beautiful complete family shatter. It used to be called hate mail.
You are rightly hurt confused and angry. Time to let the dust settle. How you feel today is not how you will feel next year or the year after. You both need to sit down and talk. Be the better person here not the bully. You know you are being controlled by your anger. My husband slept with a colleague just after we met. I understand your pain. We are still together ten years later better and stronger. You can be too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): Suppose you discover that your business partner lied to you about their past history of dealings and also stole some important stuff from you 15 years ago.
You would still be extremely pissed off, 15 years ago or not. You would still be justified in breaking things off with them. The fact that it was 15 years ago does not make it any less wrong or tell you less about their character.
You and your wife both need serious counseling if things are to work. And you, don't ever take any shit. Not from her or a counselor. Your feelings are 100% justified and it's her problem to try to earn your forgiveness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): Of course people keep old letters from lovers, and you were pretty outrageous to say "they're gone or I'm gone". People shouldn't have to surrender their past. And if they really made you uncomfortable, then why an ultimatum rather than a discussion?Why trick your wife into an admission about something that scarcely matters anymore? There is a statute of limitations on this sort of thing -- because whatever she did 15 years ago, she decided to spend the next fifteen years with you. Her actions from then are a historical curiosity and someone better than you would have felt flattered that without even your knowing that she was making a choice, she chose you. I wonder if she would make that same choice after what you have put her through recently? You've hardly been truthful or caring or loving in your actions.What's this about a drunken, abusive home? That was more than 15 years ago. You're probably close to living more years outside that situation than within that situation. Again, it's ancient history. Why does it matter in the here and now?It seems to me that these things matter because you want them to matter. Because you have an ulterior motive. It might be that you are looking for an excuse to get out, and need to paint your fine life as something darker so as not to feel like a complete a-hole. It might be that you are the controlling type, and are using this to guilt your wife into surrendering her independence.Finally, it seems to me that even your posting is manipulative. Were you planning to show the answers to your wife, to use them to oppress her further? Or were they intended to make you feel justified for whatever dark thing that your overreactions are intending to achieve?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2011): So sorry to hear this. I'm afraid if I were in your shoes I would have to leave her. You are never going to forget this, even if you could forgive it, and it will constantly gnaw at you and you will find yourself unable to trust your wife. This in turn will lead to resentment and an unhappy life for all of you. That's not fair on your daughters and while it will be an upheaval for them, in the long-term it will probably be better than living in a home where mum and dad regularly argue or don't talk.
I would feel the same as you - amarriage is based on trust. That has gone and indeed I woul similarly feelit was all based on a lie.
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reader, Capri2  +, writes (14 May 2011):
Like Minelisse I think you shouldn't throw your marriage away right now. You have to give yourself time to easy your mind.
What your wife did was the stupidest thing. Because now you can't trust her. Even if this is the only lie in your history, making this lie go on for 15 years was a total mistake. And this is way always is better to say the truth.
Anyway you have to consider everything here, specially if this is the only bad thing in your whole marriage.
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reader, Minelisse  +, writes (14 May 2011):
 Everyone makes mistakes. I am sure you have made them too. It is painful and it is okay to feel frustrated and angry. But you have been together longer than most marriages. You have 2 girls who need you. Do not throw this away for a 15 year old lie. If everything else in your marriage is okay, I am sure she is worth it.
I hope you can heal from this and move on as a stronger marriage. Seek counseling if you need to.
Best of lucks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): I feel your pain. You feel betrayed in many ways. I think that most people have had a past and it's sometimes hard to deal with it when it is brought to your attention in gory detail. I read some of my wife's old journals and, even though the encounters happened before I met her, the things I read in there turned my stomach. I cannot even imagine if I had discovered she had cheated on me - even if it happened before we were married.The good news is that it was just a one-time thing and you are the one that married her. You need to let the past go. I won't say it will be easy, but it will get easier each day. Do not divorce her over this. Go to therapy if you think it will help you deal with it. These wounds are fresh to you, but these events happened years ago. Let it go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): You, sir, are not telling us the whole truth in your lengthy post...ironically, you are lying to us for the same reasons your girlfriend/wife lied to you: you are trying to portray yourself in a positive light...You did not forgive your wife for 'kissing' your friend while drunk. If you had, you wouldn't have LIED to her to try and get her to admit what happened FIFTEEN YEARS ago! Even worse, you blame her, when it was your supposed friend who coerced her by lying to her...I seriously doubt she would have done anything with him if he hadn't told her you had been cheating on her with many women while away at college. You should not be angry with your wife for this. You should however, be angry with your 'friend' who lied and took advantage of the woman you care about when she was in a vulnerable emotional state FIFTEEN years ago.You need to stop focusing on her past. You need to look at where you are now...how you two compliment each other as husband and wife, and as father and mother to your two daughters. Instead of feeling angry and slighted because she lied, you need to truly forgive her...she didn't lie to you for her own selfish reasons...she lied because she didn't want to hurt you.If tour wife was truly a deceitful person by nature, you would have far more evidence and scenarios to write about. You have 2. Both revolve around sex. Good women...the kinds of women you make a family with, don't go around telling men like you...good men (prospective husbands)...about all of their previous sexual encounters. A good woman in intuitive. She knows that this information is better kept to herself. Men, even good men, can be jealous and act out over such things...Please forgive her. You sound like you two care About each other very much. You and your daughters make a family! How can you even truly think about ruining that for your daughters for something that happened before they were born...before you and your wife were married...that happened because your friend took advantage of your woman? I understand why you are angry, but breaking up your family over this is simply a selfish, misguided reaction.Hang in there. Talk to your wife. Communicate. If necessary, go to a marriage counselor together. If you can forgive her, your love and bond will be strengthened...this is the best outcome for your family.
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