A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Over the last few months evidence has been mounting that my wife has a thing for a colleague of hers. She thinks she is keeping it very discreet and in control (I don't think she has even told him), but a man knows his wife and knows when something is up. Lately, she has been hiding her cell phone when she goes to sleep at night (usually before I do). I discovered this when I lost my own phone and wanted to use hers to call it. It didn't ring and it (and her purse) were nowhere to be found. My suspicions raised, I started looking for it the next night and then every night. To this day I have no idea where she puts it even though I try to watch her to see where she goes around bedtime. Our house isn't all that big. I did check the phone records and she tends to talk to and text this guy I think she likes a lot.When I asked her about why she hides her phone she said that she didn't want me to see it. I asked her what was to hide and she said that I would get the wrong idea about some messages on it and she didn't want me to leave her over them. I asked her what they might say and she said they might say "Call me back." I told her that's pretty darn hard to get the wrong idea about and not incriminating at all so what else was there. It was late, she was tired, and we had been drinking so I didn't press much more on it and she didn't volunteer any more info.Fast forward and since then I have been putting a lot more energy into our relationship and also into getting to the bottom of what is going on. I still believe that it's just a crush on her part and that this guy is oblivious to how she feels. Also, he can lose his entire career over ethics violations if he sees her. (She won't be so affected.) Given that, I believe she has been faithful. However, I can still tell that she seems to be fighting an internal battle with herself. Most days (since I confronted her) she has been very good. She talks to him far less (never after 5pm, whereas it used to be at 10-11pm sometimes) and when she had an opportunity to go see him to drop off some paperwork at his office (they work together but his office is not hers) she asked someone else to take it. Other days, I don't think she is being as true to me as maybe she'd like to be given how she acts. (Examples: She has been much more affectionate to me since I confronted her, but some days she is still very cold and distant. Some nights she says she has trouble sleeping. I can tell this is bothering her.)I want to get us into marriage counseling, and I will. However, in the meantime I am dying for someone to talk to about this for a sense of perspective and maybe even to have a talk with her to find out things she won't tell me. (Not to snoop, but to see where her head is at.) I thought about telling her mom, who I get along with well, but her mom loves me to death and combined with her blunt mannerisms I think that may be a bad idea. I don't want to tell my own friends or family, because they will then hate my wife and I don't want that to happen at this stage. Therefore, I was considering telling my wife's sister who is divorced and 1 year older than my wife. Her husband cheated on her. My wife and her sister are not very close and don't share much personal information. However, her sister does know her well and I feel I can talk to her. I suspect she might not LIKE to get involved in this as she is a person that doesn't like gossip and drama. On the other hand, that's why I feel I can trust her. She can keep a secret. I think she may be able to give me some advice and just help me hold on long enough to get into therapy, because each day now I get "this close" to completely blowing up at my wife, asking her what the hell is going on, and telling her to wake the hell up and stop acting like a lovestruck teenager or she will lose her marriage over this - along with some very choice expletives. I feel that such an explosion might be counterproductive in my efforts to woo her back to me, as I have been trying to show her my softer side, my more romantic side, writing her poetry (I used to do this when we dated and she still recites a poem I wrote sometimes), keeping the house clean (I tend to do this anyway, but I am keeping it EXTRA-clean), texting her when I get to work about how nice it was to cuddle in bed with her that morning, and just all of those things that we do when we are dating that maybe we don't after we get married.Will I be making a mistake dragging her sister into this? I feel I just need to vent and not anonymously like this - someone who knows me and who knows us who might be able to take my side and at the same time point out where I've screwed up, too, such that things would even get to this point.
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male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (2 June 2011):
 When silence hides the truth. Silence is a lie.
I don't think it right that husband and wife check each others phone every 5-minutes, but I have never had to hide my phone -even from a girlfriend. I think you are being very diplomatic, but you can diplomatic yourself right into divorce court.
If you don't directly and in no uncertain terms demand a look at her phone (by surprise) you are paving the way to heartbreak. Sometimes being nice about something plainly in the wrong, dramatically worsens the situation.
A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 I think you should call your wife and level with her tell her what you've been thinking and tell her its hurting you if she admits talk about it because it seems to me that she's not having an affair but possibly drifting there. If she denies it then at least she knows you're on to her. Talking to her sister in my opinion isn't really the best. Maybe a counselor together but talk to your wife first.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Don't involve her sister!
This really comes down to a matter of trust between you and your wife. If you think she is struggling and you know it then this situation is much better than the one where you have no clue.
So, the answer to the question "can I trust her" will determine your actions. If the answer is yes, then the best you can do is support her as she struggles to get over this crush. If the answer is no, then you clearly have a struggle of your own that might require the help of a counselor. If there is a lack of trust then her struggle is irrelevant. If you can't trust then you cannot have a healthy relationship with ANYONE.
Trust or don't trust. It's as straightforward as that. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Try talking to her sister and see what happens. If she gets grumpy about it, back off. You may need to find a counselor for these discussions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): no you should confide in your own sister, not your wife's!if you don't have a sister, you get the drift - confide in someone who is obligated to be on your side because they are your friend and don't know your wife. otherwise you're putting her sister or her mom in a very difficult position which isn't fair to them.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 THe quick response is no, sisters are like the same person. If you want to keep something confidential NEVER tell the sister.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 June 2011):
Venting can be very healthy, but you should do it with your own friends, people who do not have a personal relationship with your wife. That way you wont' be messing up her relationships with other people due to your need to vent your frustrations and anxieties.
Alternatively, if you don't have any close friends that you feel comfortable venting to (yet you would consider her family suitable?), then you should seek individual counseling and vent to the counselor. That's part of what they are there for.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 June 2011):
Do not drag other people into this. This is none of their business and it's betraying your wife's trust.
Your wife *may* be betraying you, you don't know, you suspect. But if you go around talking about her behind her back to people whom she knows and is close to (not the same thing as if you went into individual counseling or talked to your own friends who have nothing to do with your wife) when you should be talking to HER, this is betraying your wife's trust in a different way. it will drive a wedge between you.
You have something to say, you say it to your wife FIRST. don't make things even worse than they already are.
it sounds like you have been bringing things up to your wife, which is good. But still it's not satisfactory, obviously. because you're still unsatisfied with her behavior or responses and you feel that she's hiding something. Whether she really is, or you're being insecure, you need to work this out with her, not be bringing other people into it. (and besides, those other people may not want to be dragged into it so you could be putting them in a very uncomfortable position, and just to serve your own ends)
If your wife is with holding information from you, trying to drag other people into it to get that information out from them, is not the way to go. All it does is temporarily soothe your anxiety or feed it. But it doesn't actually help the relationship. If your wife is with holding information from you, there is a REASON for it. It is a symptom of something very wrong in your relationship, and you should work on that. Trying to figure out what your wife is thinking via third parties whom she may or may not be talking to, doesn't actually help your relationship just opens another can of worms that you don't as yet have.
Also, it's definitely counterproductive when you blow up at your wife and yell at her. Being extra nice and romantic afterwards, doesn't exactly make up for it, it can come across as being manipulative.
You say you're now putting extra energy into your relationship. Not knowing the history of your relationship, could it be too little too late and maybe you have to accept that?? if you then feel that your wife is for sure not interested in anyone else, will you then stop going the extra mile for her?
You have a right to be upset if your wife is betraying your trust, but getting angry at her is counterproductive and just drives her emotionally further away from you. And talking to other people whom she has relationships with (like her family) behind her back is also betraying her trust.
You need to work at staying calm and not getting angry when you talk with your wife about these problems, then maybe she will at least be honest with you even if it's to tell you things you really dont' want to hear. but that would be a necessary first step toward healing, if there is to be any.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): In my opinion, I would not talk to her sister. I'm divorced and was somewhat close to my ex's siblings.
If this becomes a worse case scenario, family always (well almost always) sides with family.
I'd confide in your wife if I were you.
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