A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not sure what to do. My wife and I are married a few years. We started dating in high school, and got married after dating almost 3 years. She has this male friend who she grew up next to, he was a neighbor, and they never dated but were friends since they were real little, like 8 or 9 years old.'Bob' hangs out with my wife, (and sometimes me, we're not really friends, but get along good). They do things that I approve of like shopping, lunch, going for walks in the local park. Nothing that I ever worried about. Well a few weeks ago, I was out Sat afternoon with a friend helping him buy supplies to renovate his basement. I came home, and 'Bob' was in our shower. My wife was totally dressed and all, nothing like that. She said they went for a walk and then he worked out in our basement gym and wanted to take a shower. A few minutes later, he yelled down and asked if we had any bottled water. My wife went to the fridge and started going upstairs to take it to him. I said 'what are you doing, he could be naked and not dressed yet?' She said, no big deal she's seen him naked a bunch of times before, they've always been close friends.Now, I know she hasn't had sex with him, my wife was a virgin when we met and never been with any other guy, but when I try to ask a little more about how she's seen him naked, she won't answer me. She just says they've been good friends for a long time and that's it.I'm not sure what to think, did they do some fooling around stuff? I know not actual sex, but did they do other stuff and that's why she's so evasive of the subject? And should I just put an end to this 'male' friendship with 'bob'? I have the right as her husband, but if there really wasn't anything there between them, then that would seem petty. On the otherhand, if they did engage in 'petting' or 'oral', then I can and will end this friendship. Why won't she talk about this. If we don't talk it out, I have no choice but to tell her to no longer hang out with 'Bob'. Do you think maybe she did stuff with him after her and I were together? I hope not after we've been married, or it's divorce court.
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male
reader, dyeruz  +, writes (18 May 2010):
What is this nonsense, friend or no friend, this guy should respect another's man's home and privacy. You dont go into another man's house to work out, then shower and ask for bottled water whilst you're naked. This is nonsense, if your wife can't understand that then I don't know.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): I can't believe some of the answers on here. They are soooooooo wrong. Husband has every right to dictate friendships if they make him or their relationship uncomfortable. Obviously, he has to be reasonable about it. I think he wanted more advice about how to find out what 'really' happened in the past between these two. If there was some sexual past, then this 'friend' needs to be gone immediately. If not, then his wife needs to come clean and discuss, maybe it was innocent, and they just went skinny-dipping with bunches of friends or something.Poster, push to find out what happened between your wife and bob. And when. It might be really innocent fooling around. As long as there isn't any recent 'fooling' around, I would drop it. If it was more than that, or more recent, then I agree with you, kill the friendship now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Go look up some of the questions and advice on the internet about guys being stuck in the "Friend Zone" with a girl and trying to get out of it. The stories are always the same. The girl is always SO attached to that guy, but she always SO TOTALLY doesn't see him in THAT WAY. The point is that guys naturally go from "friends" to "lovers" and girls naturally don't. It can happen with girls but it's not the normal habitual thing for them to fall into like it is with guys. Girls naturally draw a sharper distinction between the two cagegories of guys they know. If you're not worried about this guy trying to bang your wife today then that's as far as you need to think about it. Don't worry about her messing with him previously. I wouldn't.
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A
female
reader, ChristineAvril +, writes (18 May 2010):
 There's very likely nothing to it, but why didn't he wait until he was out of the shower before asking for a drink, or getting it himself?
Not the best place to drink bottled water, the shower!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Stop.
You're about to do possibly unfixable damage to your marriage. Forcing your wife to not see her good friend will make her resent you incredibly. Don't do it.
Don't ask her any more question about this. You're interrogating her: and demonstrating you don't believe her and don't trust her. If you don't trust her, why should she trust you? And without trust, your marriage will fall apart.
As for the nudity: accept that for her it's not a big deal, and stop being insecure about it. That insecurity your wife will find unattractive in you. Plus it's causing your controlling behaviour. Nudity is very relative: some people are conservative about it, some are not. For example, where I live people don't see it as a big deal at all: nude mixed saunas are common and friends often go there together. So many people see each other naked, and don't think anything of it.
If you want your marriage to flourish, just trust your wife and let go of this. The more you let it eat into you the more damage it's going to do. In 6 months you'll end up with terrible regrets, and a marriage in tatters.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 First off if you try to put and end to the friendship you may bring a wave of trouble to your marriage. Everyone is entitled to have who ever they choose as friends and it is up to you whether you go or stay.
The way I see it is these two are like brother and sister. She would probably never do anything sexual with him but they are comfortable with each other. I have seen a bunch of my friends naked, it just happens and we never really cared because were all close friends and are just comfortable like that. There's nothing sexual about it, he just needed to have a shower and she got him something to drink.
Try not to let this get to you because it will end up festering within you till it does some serious damage. This is a situation where you have to trust your wife when she says there is nothing going on and they are just friends.
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