A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife is planning a big family day out in the next few weeks with all of her friends and our/their kids but I really don’t want to go. I can tell she’ll give me grief if I tell her though because it’ll be our first proper day out since the end of Lockdown. It’s been on the cards for months now. We’re going out to the zoo and then for a meal out and drinks in a pub. I’m not looking forward to it at all. In fact I’m dreading it. On our last day out with her friends we went to a monkey sanctuary and then for a meal and drinks. NONE of her friends’ husbands/boyfriends tagged along and I found myself being the only male adult there, feeling like a complete and utter spare part. And my God did the day drag. The monkey sanctuary was OK but the meal afterwards just went on and on and on and on. When my wife is with her friends they can just talk and talk for hours on end, usually gossiping or bitching about other people. No word of a lie we got there at about 5pm and didn’t leave until last orders after 11pm. They were all just having too much of a good time. There was a play area as well so all the kids were more than entertained. All I was doing though was either sitting staring into space with no one to talk to or chasing after our 2 year old daughter and dealing with her tantrums. She knew I didn’t enjoy the day at all but because she and the kids had a good time that was all that seemed to matter. The problem is I have mild Asperger’s syndrome so really struggle in social situations as it is but I find with her friends that they’re so loud and chatty that I can hardly get a word in edgeways with any of them. Don’t get me wrong they’re nice people but I just have nothing in common with any of them. And when they’ve all had a few, they can literally all talk over one another and not even notice. It makes my head scramble. My wife knows I struggle and get anxious around people I don’t really know that well but all I get told is ‘You’ll be fine’ or ‘it’s about the kids, you’ll just have to deal with it’. At the end of the day though they’re her friends, not mine. I can’t even have a few drinks myself to try and let loose and relax a bit as I’ll be designated driver, so I don’t see what the appeal is. I’ll just spend the whole day feeling like a spare part once again. But if I say I don’t want to go then I know for a fact she’ll try and guilt trip me because for one thing it’ll mean she can’t have a drink and also she gets really nervous driving on the motorway so will no doubt say if I don’t go then none of us can. And then I’ll get made to feel like the bad guy for depriving the kids. On the flip side though spending an afternoon with me and my friends in the pub watching football is something she’d never do so I don’t get why I’d have to tag along. There’s plenty of other things we can do with the kids as a family anytime. Would it be unreasonable if I told her I didn’t want to go? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2021): Oh my goodness......On that day you go in the bathroom and stay there.When your wife knocks on the door tell her you have diarrhea and cannot go. Your Welcome.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2021): At first, I thought your wife was the reasonable one: it has been a plan for months and she does need to socialize and get out. But I had a similar thought about how young your daughter is! Kids that young usually take naps or go to bed way before 11pm. What you COULD do is go to the zoo, pack lunches to eat at the zoo (or spend the money and eat their overpriced junk food), then spend ONE hour at the pub. Then YOU go home with your daughter and your other kids so she can get drunk and chat with her friends. One of the husbands/dads/neighborhood cat lady can play designated driver. By the way, how old are the other kids and who's on duty next morning when Mom is hung over? I'd say get up bright and early the next morning 5:00? 5:30? Dump your daughter in her lap and leave for the day. A few tries with hungover parenting might teach her not to do that again. Maybe the real issue is that your wife is just greedy. Of course she should get to unwind with friends once in awhile but not to drink alcohol!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 May 2021):
 If it's the transport which she really wants, then why not offer to drop her off and pick her up afterwards so she can still have a drink and enjoy herself with her friends, but you won't have to endure the outing?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): Next time, drop them off, and pick them up! This should be rotated; letting all the other fathers take their turn. Not just you, because your wife is most proficient at nagging and bugging you into it.
I still say, it is your fatherly-duty; and it benefits in promoting the cohesion and closeness of your family-unit. You've proven you can take the heat, but that gives her no right to lay guilt-trips on you; or force you to struggle with your Asperger's under strenuous-conditions. That borders on emotional-abuse.
You still maintain the right and authority to flat-out decline; and there be no ifs, ands, or buts!!!
There should be an 8:00 pm curfew, when the kids go along on such outings. Adults drinking around kids isn't really advisable. Something happens to one of the kids under your watch; and those women, and their husbands, will somehow find someway to lay the blame on you! You're sober, and you're supposed to watch all of them! One toddler can be a handful! If those kids scatter, you can lose sight of one in the blink of an eye!
If they're getting their drink on, they're paying only half-attention!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): Sometimes you have to do things for other people to make them happy. If it will make tour wife happy for you to be there then cant you just suck it up for one day?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): I fully understand how you must feel. You don't have to have Asperger's to dread what you've described. Isn't what you've described just being a dad? I relived a part of my own childhood reading what you've so aptly (and humorously) expressed in your post. My poor father! I could almost place myself in your shoes! Especially, the part being with a bunch of women and being the only male!
Now, let's see this from her side of things.
Did you carry your kids around in your belly for nine months? Did a small creature kick and wiggle around inside you, while using your bladder for a soccer ball? Did the little opening in your genitals have to expand the width of a grapefruit to expel a small human being? Did your breasts fill and ache with milk, and leak; requiring a breast pump to aspirate milk that breast-feeding alone didn't relieve? Meanwhile, you don't get to drink alcohol; and you have to watch what you eat for months after giving birth, if you breastfeed. Then there are those gagging diaper changes, spit-up, and the endless crying. Most of the nurturing is required of the mother. Dads are considered some kind of hero and deserves a medal; if he chips-in and helps. Otherwise, you, society, her mother, your mother, the kid's future therapist, and her own conscience will brand her as a terrible mum. Daddio, this is their payback! That's why she'll give you unholy hell; if you don't take your family on these outings, and grace them with your extraordinary and unmatchable fatherly-presence. No telling how long you'll stick around; so she better get while the getting's good! These are modern-times, and you're an endangered species! Both a dad, and a husband!
What makes you a great dad, is the fact you'll still do it. It's tougher for you than other dads; but somehow you love your family enough that you'd go through hell and back for them. You could always put your foot down. Refuse like all the others. You won't! Because you love them!
It's her job as your wife, and the mother of your offspring; to do things to keep the family together as a unit. However excruciating it seems during the process! Yelling-kids, nagging-wife, the works!
You seem to be the only dad who does his duty. Yes, you do it under protest; but your kids will look back and remember, you were there when all the other dads weren't! For the most part, mothers often have to be with the kids the bulk of the time. Spending most of her day, even after work; running around being the chauffeur, cook, housekeeper, nurse, and caretaker. Continuously cleaning-up after you and your kids! God bless her nerves during shutdown! Yours too!
She wants...needs...this outing; because it's probably the only time she can let-loose, and feel some freedom to be just one of the girls. With no shame or guilt! Not just somebody's mother or wife. A person, having fun, laughing, and being totally obnoxious! Showing-off to the other women, that her kids have a dad...and she still has a husband! You are both partners and a team. I commend you sir! You are valiant! You perform, whence thrust into battle!
You both should iron-out this matter together. She shouldn't always get the last word. You shouldn't always have to deal with "her" AND that gaggle of females! All their girlish-carousing and chatter! You're a guy, and you can take only but so much of this!!! It's enough being with your kids; then all those other wives, their bratty kids, and their motley-personalities all combined!!! It's totally unfair that she should expect this too often; but often enough! I understand this is a special situation; because it's the first family-outing since covid confinement. Plus she gets to socialize in-person with the other moms; who can relate to her plight and female-issues. Society doesn't ostracize you for just taking off for some golf, downing a pint at the pub, or just spending time with your mates. It looks unfavorably on a mum who would be so frivolous. Even if it's fine with you!
Here's where all your complaints are 100% justified. You poor poor guy! Sitting there through all the cackling and girl-talk; a constant stream of seemingly windy conversations that run end to end, changing topics sporadically. Then you had to deal with a group of tipsy-women; giggling and being silly and full of libation; while you didn't even have the benefit of one sip to take the edge off. You deserve the Father of The Year Award, my good friend! If you can carry-out this mission, you will receive the imaginary Golden Scepter of Superior Fatherly-Performance, and the Medal of Honor.
You're a good soldier, in spite of your Asperger's. She should not be so dismissive of how you struggle. She probably doesn't understand how deeply it affects you to force yourself to socialize and mingle outside your usual family circle; and you don't necessarily have to like the people she feels so socially attached to. Obviously the other husbands feel just as you do; only they know your wife will be the one who'll nag you into doing it. IT IS for the kids, and she has that as the basis of her argument; but it is for her as well. It asserts and affirms your place as father and husband within the household. Look at all this from the way I've explained it, and maybe it will help.
Now you have to negotiate your me-time. She has no right to complain. You have a right to get-out with your pals, and getaway from the nagging, screaming kids, and stress. What's good for the goose, is just as good for the gander. Right, my friend?
Next-time, the answer will be "NO!" Or...maybe?!!
Print this out, and read it to her; or leave it where she can find it. She'll either get a kick out of it; or you'll get clobbered! I'm safe regardless!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 May 2021):
 If none of the other husbands go, you should be "allowed" to bow out too.
I can see why you felt out of place and just didn't want to be there - regardless of being neurodivergent.
I would have been uncomfortable too. Especially if the kids were left on their own devices (even in a play area) while the adults chat and drink.
If I were you I would offer "driving services" - such as taking them there and picking them up later. That way you can check and see if ANY of the husbands are going to be there. And she can't use the "I don't like driving on the motorway".
This is HER outing with HER friends their kids.
Let her TRY and guilt-trip you. I think it's perfectly OK to excuse yourself from an event you don't want to do.
And like you said you can join in on smaller events with JUST the family.
While I GET why she would want you there, I think she is a bit selfish is expecting you will want to when you are just there to drive and mind the kids. And if SHE can say no thanks to going with and your friends, you should be able to say no too.
When my husband was on active duty, his unit would have these "family fun days" that were mandatory (for the soldiers) but I really didn't enjoy them, like you I'm not a big fan of huge crowds and not a fan of having to hang out with a bunch of people who talked smack about EVERYONE in the unit. It was just a toxic environment most of the time. Since my husband often helped set up and coordinate the events he had to be there early and stay late to make sure it was taken down. So sometimes I would show up with the kids (because they enjoyed it) for a few hours and then go home. I hung out with my husband and the kids there. But the whole day? Nope, just nope. Other times I wouldn't go. Hubby was OK with that.
With all that said;
Could you suck it up for one day? Sure. Bring a good book, hang out with the kids.
To be honest, I don't think a 2-year-old should be running around at 11 pm, no wonder she was throwing tantrums... So having you there to maybe sit and hold her or keep her from going totally off the rails is helpful.
It wouldn't be unreasonable to NOT want to go. It's also not unreasonable that she would like you there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): I'd try and compomise if I were you. Like you said there's plenty of other things you can do as a family so try and plan another day out in the not too distant future. And I personally wouldn't count her friends and their kids being there as proper 'family time' so make sure it's just you, the wife and the kids. Make sure you spearhead it as well to show you're making an effort. Bowling/Cinema then a meal out maybe?At the same time though I'd just be honest with her about how you're feeling. I have Asperger's too and can vouch for struggling in social situations. It's horrible as well when everyone around you is having loads of fun whereas you're going through absolute inner turmoil because of what I presume to be social anxiety. It isn't fair for your wife to expect you to 'deal with it' when you have Asperger's and she knows it's something you struggle with.There really isn't any excuse for her not to be able to take them herself even if she gets nervous driving on the motorways, it doesn't mean she can't do it. The having a drink excuse is also irrelevant. If she tries to guilt trip you that's when you come up with your compromise idea. But at the same time try not to feel bad about it yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person and you're not depriving your kids. Like you said, the last time you went on a day out none of the other husbands were there. Sure your wife may have the hump with you but she'll get over it.You've got more than good enough reasons to not want to go.
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