A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My Wife and I have been married for 32 years now. I have always wanted her to buy and ware super sexy sheer thong lingerie and G-string. But she always refused and said that she would never buy such things let alone ware them. Occasionally I would ask her again, but she always refused. Over the years we each had our times of weekness as my job kept me away for extended periods. In every relationship that I have been in, my partner had cheated on me. So, I have come to realise that if two people found each other attractive and wanted to have emotional or physical relations, they will find a way, time and place to engage, and there is nothing that I or anyone else can do about it. So rather than worry over it, I choose to accept it as natural human behavior. With this understanding, I told here that we could have an open marriage so that her sexual needs could be met. So, if she met someone during my absense, I would be ok with her being involved with another man as long as she is open and honest about it. I assured her that I would not seek a divorce or be upset. After all, how coukd I judge her when I have been there myself and have been open and honest abour it with her. My Wife works in a school cafeteria and provides a house cleaning service for a fiew clients.My view of our marriage remains to this day. However, she and I haven't had sex on nearly four years now and she no longer allows me to see her naked.A while ago, I became suspicious of here rather subtle secretive behaviors, (strange phone calls, texts, emails, and her need to start taking changes of clothes with her to work, and her meed to shower immediatelyuon returning home). So one day, while she was at work, I looked through her things and found very expensive super sexy sheer thong G-string and even V-string lingerie. I put everything back the way that I found it. When she returned home from work, I took her into the bedroom, sat her on the bed and began a rather intimate conversation, and once again asked her if she would reconsider buying and wearing the previously described lingerie. Again, she adamantly and strongly refused. She said that she would never ever buy that stuff. I replied, "really ?", turned, ooened her underwear drawer and pulled out the lingerie and threw it on the bed and asked, "then what the fuck is this?"Her immediate response was: "no one bought it for me."Well, if that's true and she didn't buy it, then where did it come from? I guess that it suddenly materialized on it's own. I told her that I don't know for whom she is wearing it, but I do know that it hasn't been for me. I again told her that as long as she is honest with me, I am ok with it and I would even buy it for her, but I only ask for honesty. She claims to have discarded the lingerie, but I think that she has hidden it elsewhere. She no longer has the house cleaning service but still works in the school cafeteria and she continues to take a change of clothes to work with her and her secretive texts and emails continue. My question is, do you think that my suspicions were right?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 May 2021):
 You two are now roommates who are married.
YOU wanted an open marriage. YOU wanted HER to be open and honest.
I can tell you this. You made a presumption about your wife early on that broke her heart. And that was. that you couldn't trust her to be faithful. So you choose the EASY way out - open marriage. Because that way you can both Fu@k around and no one can complain.
If my husband had told me that in the early days of marriage, I would have had the marriage annulled. Not even a divorce. I think asking for an open marriage like that shows contempt for women.
She wasn't a fan of lingerie in her younger days, maybe because to HER they were "slutty".
Later in life, she MIGHT have bought those FOR herself to feel sexy in, because of a husband who tells her to. go fu@k other people, was not making her feel sexy, loved, or respected. She could even have bought them to surprise you and then you did something insert whatever or she chickened out.
I could be wrong I don't know your wife, I can only tell you how I would have felt. However, I wouldn't have stayed with a husband like that.
She doesn't OWE you to tell you about her lingerie. At all. She doesn't have to share them with you either. It's her business. It's HER underwear. She might have tossed them, just to get you to shut about them and to avoid any kind of intimacy with you.
Imagine IF she never cheated on you but had to hear about your escapades over the years? Yikes!
Just because you wanted certain rules in the marriage doesn't mean she agrees with them or has any inclination of following them.
Sounds like you two are not very good at communicating with each other. Even after 32 years.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2021): I'm not seeing the issue. You gave your wife permission to sleep with other men. You haven't been intimate with her in four years. You have accepted "cheating" as the norm and you have accepted a sexless marriage as your norm.
Why would you care if a woman you no longer have sex with ,
your housemate essentially buys lingerie for lover if her lover buys it for her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): My friend, marriage was designed to be a closed and intimate bonding between two people. You chose to have an "open-marriage;" giving her your permission to be with other men.
The problem with open-relationships is that you'll come across someone that fits the bill. They'll check every box; and they will take your place.
She also knows that it's a mutually-agreed arrangement. You're sleeping with other women. Therefore, you do not really have a marriage. You have a permissive-relationship; and your marriage is only on paper.
You and your wife have grown apart. She feels single; because there are no boundaries or constraints that require her faithfulness in confirmation and solidification of the vows you both exchanged at the alter. You want to live a modern alternative-lifestyle; you've also agreed to the consequences of that choice. After all said and done, now you want to renegotiate the contract. Too late!!! You're far past the imaginary-deadline and statute of limitations to pullout of the agreement. You're unofficially separated.
You can't blame her, you admit to cheating yourself; and you nullified the exclusiveness and monogamy of your marriage-contract by declaring it to be an "open-marriage." There really is no such thing; but people create their own rules, and do whatever they please. Well, stretching and bending the God-designed traditional-rules of marriage always has a downside.
Why should she have to explain the obvious???
Wearing kinky lingerie wasn't part of the deal. Maybe you have to sweeten the pot to arrange a new deal!
You said you didn't mind having an open-marriage; as long as she was forthcoming about it. I don't see where that kind of condition makes any sense. How does she know you'll always confess what you've done with other women? Why tell you anything, if she's free to behave as if she's single? You might decide to renege on the set-up; if her side of the deal proves more lucrative or productive than yours! Why kiss and tell?
You have a verbal-contract permitting her to have affairs; and that gives her plenty of latitude. Cheaters are liars, didn't you know that?
You said you wouldn't divorce her? Now what?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): You admit to sleeping with hotel finds and you're concerned she MIGHT have a lover?
Mr Rule Maker: I told here [sic] that we could have an open marriage so that her sexual needs could be met. So, if she met someone....bla bla bla.
Did you bring home signed autographs pictures of your Road Trip hussies? A titty shot would be just what she wanted.
No wonder she won't sleep with you, she's afraid of STD.
I'm guessing she has a younger lover she has different rules for. She's staying with you for finical reasons.
And why would you want to know your wife's local lover. That would be awkward as fuck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): OP, when you said this...."Over the years, we each had our times of weakness as my job kept me away for extended periods", did you mean that you also had sexual flings with other women when you traveled for extended periods of time? And did your wife have sexual flings while you were away working?So, because you both had flings, you decided to open the relationship?Did your wife agree to having an open relationship?So, my question is did you both cheat on each other? If that is the case, call a divorce lawyer. Why bother prolonging this agony? Even if it was just her cheating, you need to call a divorce lawyer. There is something fundamentally wrong with this marriage. It seems there is no love or respect there for each other. I agree with Kenny. When any couple agrees to their partner fucking others, it means they do not LOVE their partner. I don't care what anyone says about needing more sex or finding someone other than the person you spend everyday life with more mundane and needing to add the spice of someone new who does not share the mundaneness of life with you. If you want to have spice, then DO NOT GET MARRIED! YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH! Marriage is not an open contract! It is a MONOGAMOUS contract! Which you BOTH agreed to! And it is BINDING for LIFE! But you can have spice and comfort in one person! It just takes work. I am my husband's WIFE AND MISTRESS! Problem solved!!! AMEN TO THAT!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): She IS cheating. Absolutely, 100 per cent OP.
I am not sure why you would allow the relationship to be open. It seems like it is over. And has been the minute you gave her permission to have another lover. I am sorry but if you loved her, you would never have suggested that she fuck other men, and if she loved you, she would never have taken you up on that offer.
Her doing this blatantly behind your back and expecting you to suck it up is cruel on her part. But you gave her permission.
Start looking for your own lover. A passionate woman who will fuck you and buy lingerie just for you. You deserve to be happy too. Stop being a doormat.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (20 May 2021):
 Being unfaithful and cheating on your partner is not something to be accepted as normal human behaviour, far from it.
Just because people have cheated on you in the past does not mean that subsequent relationships are going to be the same.
I think that telling your long term marital partner that you are ok with her sleeping with other people is as good as telling her that you don't love her anymore.
I think that the trust has gone out of this relationship, and the respect has gone as well. You have not had sex in four years, and now you have told her your fine for her to have sex with other people. I would not mind betting that she feels upset and angry about this, as anybody would be after 32 years.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bid a relationship together, without trust a relationship will be heading for a downward spiral.
You don't trust her, and she is lying about all the sexy underware, and displaying secretive behaviour. But in all honesty where did you think this was going to go, you gave her the green light to do this.
She feels that your marriage is on the rocks maybe, and your request of being ok with her sleeping with other people is just weird, so she is obviously doing things on the quiet.
I think that you might have to be accepting of the fact that your marriage is over.
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