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male
age
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anonymous
writes: I am in agony so I guess I have come to the right place.Long story short. I was involved in a long term affair with a beautiful and caring woman. My wife discovered the affair recently and demanded I stopped all contact with the other woman, which I did. I blocked her and stopped talking to her altogether but then resumed contact, broke it off and resumed contact yet again. The problem is I am trying to make my marriage work. My wife loves me and we have been together for 30 years. I owe it to this marriage to try to fix it. But my mistress also loves me. The issue is my lackluster sex life with my wife. It was never great. And when I met my mistress, I never knew sex could be that passionate. She met so many needs for me, it is insane. She is just a total goddess and wonderful person beyond the sex. My wife is my companion and life partner but I feel no spark or passion with her. My mistress is completely different. Carefree, adventurous and uninhibited. She is like a little girl at heart yet a mature and intelligent woman with lots going for her. It was her free spiritedness that captured me from the start.I have stopped seeing my mistress, although we are still in contact. I told her I am trying to resume sexual commitments with my wife, and she is very upset. I told her that I am obligated to do that as she is my wife. But as much as I am trying, I am finding it difficult to connect with my wife physically. I know it sounds absurd but I feel like I am being disloyal to my mistress. I can't seem to get aroused by my wife and I find I am doing it out of obligation, to show my wife I am leaving my mistress behind. I am fantasizing about my mistress when I am having sex with my wife. And it seems to take forever for my wife to get to the point of climax and yet she doesn't even climax. My mistress climaxed effortlessly with me and so many times, but I can't even get my wife to cum once. But despite what the wife wants, I am still thinking about my mistress. I am longing for her sexually, and I can't get her out of my heart. It is an awful place when you are struggling to have sex with your own wife but really want another woman. My mistress has told me I am the love of her life and continues to pursue me. I am weak when it comes to her. She is my kryptonite.Here is the other problem. My wife and I have a property in Panama and it has been a long term goal of ours to retire there 6 months of every year and it has come to fruition. We are leaving in a few weeks and will be gone 6 months. I cannot just abandon a 30 year marriage and life goals with my wife. We are both close in age but my mistress is 20 years younger than my wife. I have so many obligations to my life with my wife. Yet I feel very strongly about my mistress. And she feels like I am abandoning her and leaving her behind. She has told me that she will have to move on and start dating eventually. That kills me. I don't want her to move on while I am away for 6 months but I know I have made my choice to go with my wife, so I have no right to tell my mistress how to live her life. But I am still pretty torn about the whole thing. It seems no matter what I do, I can't let go of my mistress. I keep going back to her. Even though I told her we cannot be together, I cannot let go of her. Do you think it is selfish of me if I ask her to wait until I return next April? I want to keep in touch with her while I am away. She and I have been very close. I don't think I would be happy to just leave her and cut all contact, although I know that is what I probably should do. I want to know what is going on in her life. I have been a rock for her and have helped her through some tough times, and she has relied on me for my support over the course of our relationship.I feel like I cause her so much pain because I won't leave my marriage. I just can't. It is such a big leap. What if things don't work out long term with my mistress? Then I lose the stable and comfortable life I have known for most of my adult life. My wife has been good to me. I think I love her but am not in love with her. I know that sounds cliche but it's how I would describe it. Yet I can't bear the thought of letting my mistress go, or even see her happy with another man, although a part of me wants to see her have a man who can take care of her full time and devote himself to her, because I am unable to.I am so torn.I have made my decision but it is going to be a tough 6 months ahead.What advice does everyone have for me? I know what the right thing is and I am doing it, but my heart is still with my mistress.
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affair, mistress, move on, sex life, spark Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): Been there. The mistress is always better because she's the forbidden fruit. Something sexy about saying at the motel "I'd like to pay with cash." --Every time is like you're 17 again.
The mistress always all dolled up with perfect matching Victoria Secret matching Wonder Bra and panties. Possibility getting beat up by her jealous husband adds even more excitement, like shoplifting a candy bar, but this time it's a Rolex.
I got over mine because she didn't want a married boyfriend after she got divorced. So she dumped me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): OP i honestly think you are just writing in now for a bit of a laugh, I mean how can you possibly think those who look at the questions on here would not know it's you? If you are actually being serious and trying to look at it from his perspective then it still comes back to the same thing, sex.
Have you watched Fatal Attraction? In all honesty I have to wonder if he still has you in his life because he is scared of how you would react. OP what you feel is not love, it's bordering obsession and the very fact you spend so much time writing in to ask strangers what they think says it all, you know deep down where you stand with him, you just will not admit it to yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 September 2020):
 Oh, this is SO the mistress writing in as the married man.
I remember the whole retiring and spending 6 months in Panama.
Honey, you aren't fooling anyone. Except yourself.
You are second best in this guy's mind. The wife hold the #1 spot because SHE has sacrificed 30 years being MARRIED to the guy.
A good marriage OR relationship is not just about sex and climaxes.
You being younger doesn't, make you better.
You only know what he tells you about their sex life, but here is the truth... THEY are still having sex. If it was as sad and pathetic as you describe the married man could EASILY find some excuse to not have sex. Yet, he doesn't.
What ever time and effort you have put into this affair... is wasted time on your end. Entertainment for him. This is not love. If there was some REAL love here, there would be some REAL commitments and choices made.
If he really wants to fix his marriage you should have the decency to walk away and cut all contact so YOU can move on too and MAYBE find a guy of your own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): Op, take the blinders off. This isn't some great love story. And you are no hero. You have failed not one but two women. And unless you get some therapy to bring your grandiose ego back to earth, you will continue to use, abuse and ruin the lives of any woman who has the misfortune of crossing your path. In my professional opinion, just from reading your post, you suffer from NPD (layman terms: Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I feel sorry for you to be afflicted with this is of an empty, tortured existence, where you need to bring others down to satisfy your deep insecurities, self doubt and self loathing. These women are empaths. Look that up. That's a shame for them. I think they both deserve BETTER. Your ex mistress will find better than you. Stop deluding yourself. Younger men with stamina who will treat her right do exist. As for your wife, to her own detriment, she has forgiven you. Just to continue to enable you to cheat on her. She must not think too highly of herself. It is my opinion that you spun her webs of lies to get your Panana trip. You're a very bad human being. And what's worse is you don't even know it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2020):
 Let's begin by saying that personally I don't believe this narrative is genuine. At the very best,... it could be the narrative of the mistress ( this Op sounds like an old, a bit OCD frequent poster of ours ) written according to how she would like things could be - while most probably ( I'd bet solid money on that ) the ex-wanton husband has gone back to his wife ,...with whom he is continuing to enjoy his regular sex life ( although, admittedly , a bit uneventful and unsurprising after 30 years !! ) - same as he always did. ( "We stopped having sex years and years ago " is the second most common, and generally untrue, cliche' after " my wife does not understand me " ).
Then again, Ok, I'll be a good sport and I'll play along- by telling to this gentleman in distress: OP, your dilemma is easy to solve : either you pee, or you get off the pot. Simpler than that ! Not all simple things are also pleasant, so if you really appreciated the entertainmenet provided by this lady and got to rely upon it, I have no doubt that quitting may not feel too good.
So what ?. Try quitting smoking if you are a chain smoker, it's even worse ! Try following a strict diet if you love your junk food !
But, once a mature , sensible adult has taken a decision , of his own will, weighing pros and cons, - then he has no other choice and no other recourse than sticking to it.
For whatever reason you have decided that saving your marriage is more important to you than having an exciting sex life- so now follow through: save your marriage. Ditch the mistress once for all, cut contacts and file it under " it was good till it lasted ".
If you don't, beside looking like a big,despicable fool in
your own eyes, not only in the eyes of everybody who's involved , ... you stand to lose a lot.. If your wife catches you again sniffing around your ex, she may not be so understanding this time and take a more punitive attitude which can impact also your finances and your social / family relationships . True, then you could/ should go back to your sex goddess and have all the fun you want- but WE know it, OP: I know it, and YOU know it , - you don't want her full time, perish the thought !. That's the last thing you have in mind. Otherwise you would have done it already.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (25 September 2020):
 I think that you should think yourself lucky that you still have a future with your wife after she found out about your affair.
You broke a major trust barrier in your marriage, your wife took you back. She could have quite easily have washed her hands of you, and you would have been waving goodbye to your marriage, and your future in Panama.
You are making the right decision to stay with your wife of 30 years. I think you should cut contact with the mistress, go to Panama, forget her and work on your marriage.
Of course things feel different with your mistress, she is 20 years younger than you, its all fresh, new,vibrant, exciting, and the sex is amazing. All this is great, which is why people have affairs. But these amazing feelings don't last forever, sooner or later it will become mundane and boring.
You could leave your wife for her, then things don't work out, then where would that leave you. That's right, with absolutely nothing.
If your mistress is capable of having an affair with a married man, then she is capable of getting tired of you and going with the next exciting encounter.
Cut contact with her, delete her details, and put your energies in to your safe secure 30 year marriage.
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