A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a question about how to deal with an estranged sister. Years ago, she abandoned my siblings and I for a man. Then had a kid and lived out of the country. I found out that she cheated on her husband with another man so her son moved in with us then she found out and my parents welcomed her with open arms after not seeing her for 20+ years. I am the youngest and she is the oldest so we don't typically get along. I grew up working hard however while she had everything handed to her. I believe her behavior is toxic as she complains about the lifestyle of my parents and nitpicks on things about the house. My parents are insulted and upset. She even insults the lifestyle of our city and the people. I try not to get involved but my parents come to me about what she rants. My sister's son has forgiven her about the infidelity but he has become a freeloader who is 20 years old and won't go to school or find work. Should I just ignore them and go about my business or help them out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2020): Do not help them out because you will never rid yourself of them.They will complain about everything and freeload while you work yourself into an early grave.This is on your parents...They spoiled her and raised her this way let them deal with it.Enabling them does them no favors it only delays the inevitable.Do not I repeat do not help those to lazy to help themselves.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 September 2020):
 Oh dear, where to start?
Firstly, your sister did not "abandon" you or her other siblings. You and your siblings are not your sister's responsibility. She is your sister, not your mother. She had - and has - her own life to lead. Why would you hold that against her? It's not even like you are close as you state you don't get along.
Next, your parents welcomed her back with open arms because she is still their first born daughter. She had left and then returned. They were happy to have her back in the family fold, just as they would be with any of their children.
There sounds to be a lot of animosity between you and your sister. It even sounds from your post like you set her son against her when you had ammunition (her cheating). Her cheating was between her and her husband.
As it is your parents' house, they have the right to allow her to stay or to ask her to leave. As it's not your house, you have the choice of putting up with your sister or moving out. If your parents' complaints about your sister are draining your energy, shrug and gently suggest that they need to either put up with your sister being there or ask her to leave.
Forgive me if I have got this wrong, but I get the distinct impression you are actually relishing your sister being "in the bad books".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): Change what you can and that is YOUR life not the life of your parents. What they do is their business. The upside of this attitude is that once you start living on your own, you won't have to listen to anybody's BS.
I am speaking as someone who started living alone early (parents died) and has had cousins and friends sleeping on my couch "just for a couple of months" and some stayed for YEARS. Sometimes you truly want to help by doing what people you help want you to do and that's ok. But sometimes you must do what is good for yourself and it's hard. Sometimes you can help those around you with "tough love" and that is hard too.
Mind your own business. Move out. Get some distance. And then help the way it isn't taxing for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): Why are all of you grown-ups living with your parents???
If they let her move back in, what are they complaining about? Whomever comes in, can also go out! Either by asking nicely, or kicking them out. They're a couple of aging-pushovers; and everyone's taking advantage of it.
Your parents' complaining makes no sense. Three adults living on-top of two older-people who should have an empty-nest says everybody's got some issues.
If they love all of you, maybe they can't bear the thought of any of you being homeless. It's meant to be temporary.
They've bitten-off more than they can chew; because you're no longer children, and they have no authority or power over three full-grown adults. All with their own load of problems.
You've all taken over their home, and they're too old and tired to do anything about it. They were hoping everyone would get their lives together and get-out. Apparently, it's not happening! You can move-out anytime you've had enough. They can't! It's their house!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2020): If you don't like how your parents run their home move out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2020):
 Your parents made the choice to let them live at THEIR house. When they get enough, they can kick her out.
I don't really know how you can help your parents here. You are also in your 20's ad living at home....
There is always the choice FOR YOU to move out on your own.
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