A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I constantly fight about household chores. She says she is "Tired of doing everything!" My response to her is to point about all the things that I do.In our division of chores, she cooks, I do the dishes, I change the cat litter, we each do our own laundry, we split the yard work (although I do more of it and more regularly), and we split tasks like mopping and vacuuming. We do our shopping together or else I take care of it online (which can be time consuming). I handle all the financial affairs like paying bills, filing taxes, etc.Overall, I am mostly satisfied with the arrangement because she is a good cook and it is something I am not often motivated to do for myself. I think some extra manual labor is worth that and she generally like to cook.What makes me angry and a little hurt is when she gets on my case for not helping her out around the house. Today she told me if I vacuumed two bedrooms she would do the third. Today is Saturday. I was just relaxing outside and enjoying a day off work listening to music and sipping some cold water. I didn't want to vacuum today. She told me that it shouldn't be up to her to do it all. I reminded her that the last TWO times that either of us vacuumed and mopped the floors it was me who did it and I did the ENTIRE house myself. I told her maybe it was her turn to do it. She told me she is not my maid and I told her: "That for sure!" Well, that did not go over well. We don't have any kids so there is no childcare. My wife used to have a career but she hasn't worked in years. She quit her last job because her boss was pestering her, worked part-time for a while, and has now completely stopped. She hasn't earned any money at all in a few years now. I work full-time supporting her so I feel like if she does more chores than I do then that's her fair share - but I think in reality we do an equal amount and I might even do more. I even told her I'd hire a maid and she said that it is expensive and that she doesn't want a stranger coming into the house. How can I convince her that she is not being fair to me and to back off sometimes? I think I already do more than she has a right to expect.
View related questions:
affair, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (27 July 2020):
 Happy couples don't do chores.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): If she believes that the chores should be shared - despite you being much busier than her - you insist that the earning and paying bills must also be shared. If you both do chores you both do paid work and contribute financially.
You can also insist you are too busy to do the chores, seeing as you work. She has a lot more time so she should do it. You do not mind doing a few of them but not as many as before. If she does not want to do them then she can pay someone to, out of her own money. She would have to get a job to be able to do this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): Who does what in my household depends on how much time the person has and how their health is. Last year my husband was very ill for a few months, he was terrified he would have to close down his business due to ill health, and in bed most of the time. To make things easier for him, to be kind and because I had lots of time I did all of the chores and waited on him hand and foot. The year before when I was very ill he did that for me, as well as working full time. It sounds unfair but that is how it had to be as I could not do a thing and he was able to.
Now we are both well so we both do some chores, but I have ME, COPD and asthma which means I have a lot less energy than him, so he has to do hoovering etc, cannot do it. But I make up for that in other ways.
I now work part time so I do more than him. I think it would be lazy and ridiculous for him to have to come in and do things I could have done when he works full time.
That way we also get to relax together more.
One of the things that stands out for me in your question is that your wife knows that by expecting you to come in and do a lot of chores in your precious time off that means spending less time with her - yet it does not occur to her that if she did more you could do less and you could spend more time together? Is she a dope or does she not want to spend time with you?
I also make sure that we cut down what needs to be done - i.e. we buy clothes that do not need ironing, we got rid of fresh flowers and bought good quality expensive artificial ones that do not need constant watering and changing, it also works out cheaper.
You said your wife gave up her previous job because a boss pestered her. So? What has that got to do with why she is not working now or doing more of the chores now?
It does not give her some get out of jail card to sit around doing nothing all day. What does shes do in all that time? I would go brain dead if I was not busy all day.
I once had a husband who was lazy and irresponsible and not much good at thinking, he was also bad with money. He is now an ex husband. My choice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2020): The fight isn't about chores at all. She probably feels you look down on her for not working; and maybe she feels you make her over-compensate by playing on her guilt. You don't mention it; but there seems to be a power-struggle going on here. She feels she is unable to ask you to do anything without you implying she should really do it all herself; since you're going to be the only one with a "real job!"
It's not what you say in words; it's what you imply without words. Then you're both hinting about things; but mostly resentment is reflected in your "attitude." I'm reading your post closely, and I understand your feelings.
She wants to go back to work, but it's likely her job-skills are rusty; and she may still have some confidence-issues leftover from her former-job. Her boss "pestered" her?" Maybe because she wasn't producing or performing up to par! That's what they're supposed to do! She took it all personally; and gave-up on working outside the home altogether? Seems a bit spoiled, and in serious need of an attitude-adjustment!
Now you're behaving like her boss! Although you do your share, and then sum; you never pass-up any opportunity to show her how much of a great-guy you are for helping-out at all! You two never get-off each-other's backs! Your petty-arguments are skirting around other issues you won't dare to mention. You have many other things on your minds you want to say; but you throw hints and veiled-insults at each-other instead.
Make a complete list of chores, pick and choose among them what you want to do; then switch them the following week. Leave the cooking to her, and you do the yard-work. Everything-else is interchangeable.
If you've both got stuff on your minds (i.e. sex, lack of passion, nonexistent-romance, money issues, and outright boredom with each-other); agree to sit-down once a week, and iron out your marital-concerns and differences. The problem is communication, not chores. You use arguing to vent your frustrations; but you don't know how to talk to each other about "sensitive" subjects. She complains about you, before you get a chance to remind her that you think she won't work; because she's lazy, and she doesn't like people bossing her around! Yet she tends to be bossy herself! There, I said it for you! Must give you a little relief! When speaking to your partner, you have to be more considerate and diplomatic. You can be honest without unnecessary insults or criticism. You both vent your anger, but you don't disclose the real reasons for it.
Stop beating around the bush, and throwing curves and barbs at each-other!!!
You resent her staying home! She's scared to get back out into the work-force; because she's been out of the rat-race for awhile. If she's in her 40's, that might be harder to do. Anybody would feel a little weird being out of the workforce for an extended-time; and she seems to have some issues with interacting with someone supervising her, or critical of her on the job. If she wants to be her own boss, or work from home; those opportunities are out there!
We are all living through a pandemic together. The stress manifests itself in many different ways. You're picking petty-arguments. If she's not working outside the home, that doesn't mean she doesn't need help with chores. You deserve your time to relax without her harping on you about her never-ending "honey-do" list! It doesn't seem to be easing her guilt about staying home and not getting a job. Do you both harbor resentments about not having children? Was it by choice, or fertility problems?
I suspect from your description that she's a "touchy-person!" I don't know what line of work she does; but it is obvious that she is deflecting for the fact you work away from home, and she doesn't. She think she knows what's on your mind; even though you don't always come right out and tell her..."if only you'd get a job!!!" Instead, you throw her annoying little hints and jabs. She nags at you, wanting some attention; but too ashamed to just say so. At least she has your attention when you're both having it out!
This virus is unpredictable and has a mind of its own. You could lose each-other in the blink of an eye! Petty squabbles between to mature-adults is ridiculous! Be mindful of each-others feelings, and stop allowing your tempers to get the better of you. Confinement and missing a real social-life is getting to everybody! You should be supporting each-other through this. Not fighting!
The problem is easy to solve; but then neither of you would have a cover-issue to hide behind. Dodging what's really bugging you about each other! Your resentment is getting hard to hide; and she has other things she's annoyed about too! You're both using chores as symbolism for what you're both really unhappy about in your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 July 2020):
 It sounds to me like you have two choices: either put up with things the way they are, frustrating as they are, or grow a backbone and stand up to her with a view to getting to the bottom of the real issue here. I mean, what on earth is she doing all day that she can't do the majority of the chores while you are working to support the pair of you? Either she is bone idle, resentful about something, or she is suffering from some sort of mental health issue. Is it possible she is depressed and, hence, can't summon the enthusiasm to do any chores when she is on her own?
You are going out to work, supporting the pair of you, then coming home and having to do more work. That hardly seems fair. Either she sees you are a meal ticket, or there is something going on with her health. You need to get to the bottom of this because it doesn't sound like it is going to get any better on its own.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2020):
 Write down a chore list, hang on the fridge (or wherever it's convenient, maybe make it a dry erase kind ?) and write down the weekly chores and tick them off as you go with your initials.
Is she taking her frustration of not working out of you and not realizing it?
Because your division of chores seems utterly unfair to me.
I do about 80-85% of the house work, cooking and yard work. Hubby does his own laundry, pays the bills and helps with the shopping. Occasionally he helps clean the litterboxes of HIS many cats. I do the daily clean of them, he does a fresh litter once a week.
BUT I also do not work outside the house. He only work 2-4 days a week and is doing online schooling 3-5 days a week (4 hours per day) so I think it's FAIR that I do the majority. That is how WE have done it for years, really. And while I don't think ANYONE really enjoys house work, it has to be done. I have all my housework scheduled out over the week. The thing I dislike the most... (bathrooms sweeping, mopping, dusting, wiping down and cleaning the kettle, Keurig, spicerack, microwave, fridge, water cooler and vacuum every floor vent) I do all this on Mondays, just to get them out of the way. I vacuum and sweep every other day (with many pets and 5 people, I feel it necessary. I clean the kitchen every day, wipe down surfaces (bathroom and rest of the house) daily, water the flowers twice daily, pick up the house daily. Since we have 3 levels in our house, I do the upstairs (other than bathroom) on Tuesdays. I steam clean carpets once a month in spring/summer and when needed in fall/winter. It might seem like it's all over the place but there is a method to my madness, even if I'm the only one who can see it.
You guys should figure out a plan/schedule that works for you two.
If I asked my husband to vacuum and he wanted to "sit and chill" he would vacuum and THEN sit and chill because vacuuming takes 15 min tops. And perhaps because I RARELY if ever ask him to do stuff.
I don't think it would have hurt for you to vacuum. Whether it's "fair division" or not. Not everything is fair.
What CAN be fair is if you two ACTUALLY sit down and DIVIDE chores to a satisfactory level.
I think it's nice that you help out and also work full time, but I can tell you this, IF I was working full time and hubby was home, I'd expect him to pitch in to a WAY higher degree than your wife currently is.
Then on to the "joke/not joke" - " She told me she is not my maid and I told her: "That for sure!" Well, that did not go over well." No of course it didn't. You should have said no, you are not my maid nor do I think you should be. Just like YOU aren't her sugardaddy, right?
Does being ASKED to do a chore upset you because there are other things that upset or stress you? Like income? Going from 2 full time income to a 1 full/1part time to a 1 full time and 1 none, must have made budgeting and finances harder. And it's NOT like she HAS to stay at home with kids, is it? The reason I originally stayed at home was partly because hubby served in the military and partly because we have 3 kids. Now I occasionally work from home plus maintain the home.
Maybe she wants to stay at home but that might also require some negotiations for her to take on more housework as you ALREADY work 40+ hours a week. Maybe if she doesn't want to work, she can find some volunteer "work" to ALSO get out of the house a little (once "the ye olde plague" is over)
You two need to talk this over in a non resentful manner. Compromise and find a solution that works for you BOTH.
TALK. Don't argue and don't make this a tit for tat.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 July 2020):
 What i'm confused about with this post is, if your out at work all day assuming that you are out of the house for 8 hours a day, Monday to Friday, then what is she doing all day during this time of having the house all day to herself?.
While i agree that chores should be split 50/50, i do think its rather unfair to moan about the hoovering on a Saturday when you have been to work all week, when really the hoovering could have been done on the Friday so the house was all nice and clean for the start of the weekend.
Its not even like you are not doing anything, in you post it does sound like you are doing your fair share.
I just think that you need to broach this with her and stress your concerns. Have the conversation from a good feeling place, as if you broach the subject from a place of anger then sparks fly, and i'm sure you have already found out.
Also there is no reason why she could not get out and find a job. If you were both out all day at work maybe the house work would be less, and what there was to do, maybe you could get a rota drawn up with who does what and when, and pin it on a notice board, or to the fridge freezer or something where is can always be seen.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2020): If you're working and shes not and you dont have kids then she should do most of the household chores in my opinion. She could do this while you're at work so you can enjoy your free time together in the evenings and weekends. Maybe write up and agree a weekly chores list and then each tick when you have done your assigned chores. Or ask her to get a job so you can afford a cleaner
...............................
|
