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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My husband and I come from two totally different backgrounds. I came from an upbringing of great morals and values, whilst my husband's family has none. Maybe I was blinded by love that I didn't notice. We used to communicate pretty well before we got married. We spoke everyday until one day i did not heard from him for a day. He was stressed out and his way of dealing with stress was to shut out everyone. Me on the other hand, if I'm stressed, I can shut everyone out but need comforting by him. To me, if you love someone, you look to them for "a shoulder to cry on". You look for their emotional support, not shut out your spouse. He shut me out at least 3 times before we got married and he thinks it is ok to just want to be by himself. Now that we are married, there would be days we would be all happy before he leaves for work, and he wouldn't even reach out for the day. This week, he had a dispute with 2 of his brothers and because he was so stressed out because of the situation, he never reached out to me. He has a garden and would leave early to tend to his garden before he goes to work. His mother lives close to the garden so he would go there, freshen up and head to work. This man left home, early, and his phone has been off for the entire day. He does not see that as an issue. He thinks it is ok to not reach out to me. We even have children. One of our children fell and hit his head, he got a huge bump. I couldn't even get a hold of him. I am sick and tired of how he has no consideration or understanding of how important it is to be able to be accessible. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2020): This isn't going to be a popular response; but a dose of reality and wisdom seldom is.
Everyone has their own way with dealing with stress, grief, anger, joy, and fear. Then some behavior is gender-specific; be it learned, conditioned, or inherent by genetics. You said yourself, you come from a different background from your husband. During your courtship prior to marriage, you got a glimpse of what he and his family is really like. Your excuse is the same as many: "Maybe I was blinded by love that I didn't notice." Oh, but you did!
Nope, don't blame that on love! You thought you could change him! Hence, you chose to dismiss it; and you did it several times thereafter! During dating and courtship, you are evaluating the behavior and testing the values of your partner. You are presented with their quirks, flaws, faults, and general behavior. You weigh the pros and cons; before you commit to that person!
Why do so many relationships fail? It is because even when they see the red-flags and deal-breakers; they choose to overlook them. Too often that is because they are desperate to be in a relationship at any and all costs! They confuse lust with love. Maybe they figure they'll cover-up their own shortfalls and faults by allowing those of others. Everyone has faults, flaws, and imperfections; but not all of them are tolerable over time! If there are habits or quirks in-conducive to keeping the peace; that makes for incompatibility and disharmony in the long-run. A cycle of an on-again/off-again relationship is a prime example.
The reason you don't marry when you're too young, is because you need some life-experience first. You must use discernment and good-judgement; in addition to that, you have to work on your own bad-habits and insecurities. Only then, are you ready to seek a good and compatible-mate. Without baggage, and leftover-drama from previous bad-choices. You see, many don't have the patience. They just get tired of the excruciating "weeding and selection-process" that it takes to find someone compatible, sensible, and even-tempered. Anxiously, many people bypass all that they perceive to be tedium, and settle for whatever comes along. Their greatest mistake is made by overlooking all the worst in behavior; that is usually exposed over time with a person. They're on a mission, with the primary-goal to get a boyfriend or girlfriend; and then to hurry-up and get married! "Oh, the heck with compatibility and harmony and all that mess!"..." Why listen to mom and dad, their marriage isn't perfect?..." I want it and I want it NOW! If things go wrong, I'll cross that bridge when we get there!" You have crossed that bridge before; but you foolishly/stubbornly dismissed it! You stuck it out; when you could-have/should-have left him!
Well, you have what you have! You are tied to it by marriage. Now you're complaining?!!
Husbands and wives all have their duties and responsibilities in marriage. You've correctly mentioned all of them. The Bible says you become one flesh. "What God has joined in marriage, let no man put asunder!" God built this under the premise that you were evenly-matched, shared the same values, worship the same God; and used His gift of wisdom and discernment when you chose yourself a mate.
Maybe you were in a hurry, and chose to overlook a few important-factors necessary for a successful and durable-relationship. Mainly because what you immediately "wanted;" prevailed over taking the necessary time to search and find what you "need and deserve." It follows that the ultimate-outcome falls on you, and the choices you've made! Nobody who is truly ready and prepared for marriage; marries anybody because they want a makeover, and/or to be changed and recreated. You may inspire them, bring out the best in them; but your desired criteria should already be built-in. Your most treasured and worthy-attributes found in your chosen and preferred-mate; should truly and greatly compensate for all their normal human-faults. No-one comes without flaws and faults. We're human! You're still required to use good-judgement and not throw caution to the wind!
They don't and shouldn't need you to press them into a mold that they will never fit! You can't change him, if he doesn't want you to!
Before you agree to marry someone; you should have realized that they were the wrong fit, every-time they did something that made you say in your mind..."WOW! I can't believe they could love me and still do that to me!" Instead, it's swept under the rug..."cuz I love him, or cuz I love her!" Three to five years later, they're getting even worse. You're still there, "because you love them." I thought love required a two-way exchange; and people are supposed to treat each other with kindness and respect. That doesn't mean you'll always agree, or see things eye-to-eye.
Your relationship will endure only if you keep a reserve of forgiveness tucked-away, try to be open to compromise, and listen to reason. Mutually and consistently seek peace and harmony with whatever it takes! If you couldn't do this as a boyfriend or a girlfriend; the last thing you should do is make that person your husband, or your wife!
Marriage doesn't magically transform your partner into everything you've dreamed of in a person! That is the dumbest notion ever! It seems to be a pretty prevalent perception all the same!
He does not have to absorb your tears, and always have the cure for your pains and sorrows. He's only human. You got a preview of what he is truly like; while he was your boyfriend. It was adequate for you, only that you got along. You didn't expect it before, but you think marriage would suddenly transform him into a good-husband? When he was not that great of a boyfriend??? I am not naive or gullible enough to ever believe it, when OP's try to claim all of sudden these people became terrible. Only AFTER they got married!. It's plausible, if you only knew them for a few weeks; then rushed into marriage! Not after several years living together; then only after marriage do they show their true-colors. I'm not buying that real-estate! The tiger doesn't change it's stripes, and a leopard doesn't change its spots! Many try to sell us the deal that their significant-other was deceitful enough to maintain an angelic-facade for years. Then suddenly the devil appears? If drug-addiction, alcoholism, or mental-illness aren't the culprits behind a sudden-change; then you knew them beforehand, and you let it slide! You trapped yourself within a marriage with him, faults and all! He's totally resistant to change. Now what?
We leave our mothers and fathers, and we find a mate to start our own family. We hope to build our future together. The reality is, you don't get to "change" and mold people into what you wish them to be, if that isn't what they are when you commit to them in a romantic-relationship. If that person was one-way throughout dating and courtship; and then remained the same when you're engaged. Don't be surprised that's the same person you've married!
He took you for better or for worse. You got stuck with the worse; when you didn't heed the warning-signs, red-flags, and deal-breakers; that all but beat you over the head! You saw them before you let him slip that ring on your finger, when you became engaged.
Your engagement prior to marriage is the final trial-period in your relationship. That time-frame allows you to enter an escape-clause to end the agreement. If you discover something seriously wrong that was previously unapparent, if that person purposely hid things from you that you should know, if they cheat; or if they blatantly betray your trust. THE DEAL IS OFF!!! No ifs, and's, or buts! You return or put the dress in storage, try to get all your deposits back; and notify all your out-of-town guests to try and get refunds for their plane tickets. That's why it's wise to keep your wedding-expenses within reason, and not go overboard with frivolous-expense; then find-out your guy slept with your maid of honor two weeks ago, or your bride has a secret ongoing-affair with her ex! There is no fail-safe plan; but there is commonsense and the requirement to keep vigilance to avoid obvious traps! A rocky-relationship screams that divorce is inevitable; if you marry that clown! Yet your parents spend $50k (and cost overruns) on a wedding that ends in less than two-years!
He or she might have been the most probable marriage-prospect, and a so-so boyfriend or girlfriend; but no-way will I take your hand in marriage, if I've got to deal with a grocery list of the worst in you for a lifetime!!! He showed-out the entire time we were together..."but I love him!"
He isn't the considerate love-dovey cry-on-my-shoulder type. He isn't now, and he never was! This wasn't suddenly sprung on you, it wasn't a great change in him that was never there. He was always like he is now. You had children with him, and you've built your life together up to this point. I think it's a little late to hit the brakes, don't you?
If he won't compromise, and if his behavior becomes intolerable and/or inexcusable to the degree you just cannot take it anymore; I think you know the final-solution. You might consider marriage-counseling. With mediation, it will help you to communicate your needs by opening a healthy dialogue; and you will probably exchange hidden and unknown things you've never been able to discuss before. Will it change either of you? Will it make you happy? That depends on how much you both value your marriage; and if either personality is capable of compromise. It helps, if you love each-other enough that you'd do anything and everything to save your family, and your marriage. Just not being one of those TV-portrayals of a husband and father; doesn't mean he isn't a good-husband and father. You're both going to make some serious mistakes; but love should make you go out of your way to correct them. If you won't or can't; then your marriage may not survive. It still could, but it will always have a broken-wheel.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 July 2020):
 Just to add: this is another of those posts where I would love to hear your husband's side of the story.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 July 2020):
Being someone who copes with stress and upset in much the same way as your husband - by isolating myself in my metaphorical "cave" until I get through it - I think you two need to acknowledge and appreciate that everyone is different and everyone copes with stuff in their lives in a different way. Then you need to compromise to work together for the good of your relationship and your family.
Your husband does not want to lean on your shoulder when he is upset about something. He chooses to work it out on his own. Perhaps he was raised in a family which saw a need to burden others with their problems as a weakness. Perhaps he was brought up to think men should always be "strong" and not ask for help. Whatever the reason, his method of coping with stress and upset is to isolate himself until he is in a better place. It is not your place to judge him for this. You knew before you married him that this was how he coped yet you still married him. You cannot now demand he changes because you don't like it. The time to have decided whether you could handle this behaviour or not was before you got married. I assume his many "good" points outweigh this "bad" (in your eyes) point, hence why you went ahead and married him and had children with him.
He is not going to change. This is how he is and this is how he copes with life's challenges. What you two CAN do is agree to compromise so that you handle this issue together and don't let it spoil your relationship or threaten your family.
Sit him down when he is not stressed and explain how it makes you feel when he can't talk to you about his problems. Don't say "YOU make me feel bad/frustrated/helpless when you do xyz" but rather "I feel bad/frustrated/helpless when you do xyz". Ultimately I think you will need to accept that this is how he is but, equally, he has to acknowledge the effect this has on you. Not being contactable when you have children is obviously not acceptable.
The compromise I would suggest (obviously you can work out your own "terms and conditions") is that YOU will stop taking his behaviour personally because this is about HIM, not YOU. You knew what he was like before you settled down with him. YOU have to put on your big girl knickers and accept that, sometimes, he needs to isolate himself to regain his equilibrium and get back on a normal path. This is how he copes with stress and upset in his life. He does not WANT to talk to you about it. He does not WANT to listen to advice about it. He WANTS to work it out for himself and then get back to normal. Give him space to do this if it is what he needs. HIS part of this compromise needs to be along the lines of not disappearing without any contact. He needs to agree to drop you a text to just say "I am ok. I will be back in contact soon." Also he needs to not switch off his phone so that you can contact him in case of an emergency. For your part, you must learn self control and ONLY contact him if it is a true emergency, not because you can't cope with not knowing what is going on with him.
Just because you are a couple does not mean you need to be joined at the hip. Give him a bit of breathing space. Stop demanding he shares things he does not want to share. If you back off a bit, he may feel more inclined to share with you. Just a thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2020):
Everyone is different.
Your husband's behavior is not the problem, but your expectations are.
Let's call things by their right name - codependancy.
When you say that for you love means "you look to them for "a shoulder to cry on"". So what you are saying is that love is actually codependancy. You need to be reassured that the other person loves you when that person NEEDS you and is there when you NEED that person.
Your husband is dealing with stress the way he knows how and it is working for him. But you feel excluded because you need to bond over misery. I know that you think that you just want to be supportive, but if you were to set aside your own expectations of how people should behave and fears of being rejected/abandoned, you could support him by accepting his way of dealing with things.
There are some people who are better dealing with stress when they are on their own. One might argue that that's what healthy adults do. They do not need anyone to vent or cry on their shoulders.
You are the one who feels excluded. It has nothing to do with him.
Btw, maybe he has just had enough with "being accessible". If you kept calling him for anything and everything, not discriminating what is important (injured kid or as my mom would put it "blood or fire") and what is not (just not being able to deal with stress at work/home/with family).
I stopped answering the phone when my sister calls. I let her leave a message. I screen her calls. Most of the time (99,99%) it's about her needing to vent, shoulder to cry on... that's not what any relationship should be about (siblings, marriage, friends...). It's OK once in a while, but it's not a definition of a healthy relationship. When two people function that way, it's because they are compatible in their "neurosis". Your husband is not like that.
If you take care of the kids and one of them gets a bump on the head... what do you want your husband to do about it? Get him to the ER/call an ambulance, wait for the results... I'm sorry if this stresses you, but that's what parents do. Your husband should do the same when he's taking care of the kids and you're working.
How would you deal with life if all of a sudden he was out of the picture?
You are not complaining about him being a liar, cheater, addict... you are unhappy because he's an adult that likes to deal with his problems or work on his own. You would feel much comfortable if he were burdening you with his problems because that's what you think love is.
Deal with your fears, anxieties, preconceived ideas... that's how you'll be content. Otherwise no one will live up to your definitions of what's right.
From the very first sentence about how righteous your family had been it's obvious that you never question yourself. By definition you and your family are always right... then how come this imposing your "righteousness" on others doesn't work?
You still have time. Happiness is a choice and work on oneself not on circumstances and other people.
Good luck!
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