A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is rude to me when he is drunk. Last night he came home at 3am and lay down on the bed fully clothed, lying across my arm and woke me up. I asked him to please move over and he got angry and had a go at me. I had to be up early to go to work this morning, so I was upset he woke me up. He got up angrily and took off his clothes, throwing them around the room, and stomped out the room then came back in. He called me an asshole, told me he doesn't care about me. He babbled incoherently and I asked him to repeat what he was saying, he said, are you stupid?He has done this before when he's drunk. Every time I feel hurt that he says mean things. He's kicked me out in the middle of the night and broke up with me when drunk. He likes to drink both Friday and Saturday and get really drunk. Basically every time he doesn't have work the next day he likes to get drunk. He doesn't drink on work nights. But he becomes an angry, mean person sometimes when he is drunk. He apologises, but his apologies seem less forthcoming. I always have to tell him what he's said because he has no memory of it, apparently.I was very in love with him. We seemed well suited. He is lovely when sober and has been very supportive. But I feel unhappy in myself recently. Our sex life has disappeared. If I do not initiate he won't. We've gone 2 months without having sex earlier this year. It seems to average once per 3 or 4 weeks. I've asked why. He says he loves me, is attracted to me, but he is just too tired and lazy. In the work week we are both tired, I work the same hours. But at the weekend he's either drunk or hungover. So he doesn't make time for us to be intimate. I've spoken to him recently about this and he did make an effort to initiate sex. I just feel like I'm not as important to him as his drinking buddies and alcohol nights out. I do go out with him some weekends but I don't want to every single day off because I like to rest and not be hungover sometimes. I've looked into places I could move to. I have enough money. He is my best friend though and I'm scared to move out and be alone. But I don't know what else to do. I don't think he will change and I am not happy. I don't feel like myself anymore. I have put weight on over lockdown. But he always made me feel attractive at the start of our relationship. But now I don't feel desirable anymore. I'm starting a weight loss program on Monday. I want to get my old, happy self back.So my question is, why does he act this way when he says he loves me? Should I stay in this relationship, and how can I leave if not?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 July 2020):
 I think you know what's up.
I get that you can't (at the moment) afford a place on your own, so you might have to look into a house-share, room-mate situation. I don't think staying is realistic.
He has checked out of the relationship. You are his room mate, not his partner. No, he isn't your friend either. While bf/gf, husband and wife CAN be each other's best friends, it's not the FRIENDSHIP that holds people together, it's the relationship. The love, care, trust, respect, values, fun, obligations, dreams, support and hopes is what makes a relationship.
He might BE a good guy 5 days a week, your Dr. Jekyll and then 2 days a week you get Mr. Hyde a drunk, abusive, inconsiderate bugger.
But the thing is ALL the goodwill he creates Mon-Fri doesn't erase or excuse or even EXPLAIN his weekend drinking and abusive behavior.
Being drunk is NO excuse to be verbally abusive to you, or inconsiderate, or unfeeling and uncaring. NOT at all. He "pretends" he doesn't remember what he did and said to you, because he doesn't really CARE. He know what happened. If he was "black out drunk" he wouldn't say shit. He'd go to bed and sleep it off. And IF (let's entertain the idea) that he doesn't remember what kind of shitty stuff he does and says... that would only PROVE that he has issues with alcohol that is affecting his brain. Which, incidentally, can't be good. Because that could also mean he could go WAY further from verbal abuse to physical and "not know it". And where does that leave you? Up shit's creek. I would PRESUME that most people who did become belligerent and abusive and NOT remember it, would worry and perhaps quit the drinking to avoid hurting a LOVED one, right?
But no, he does nothing. He IGNORES it, and "placate you with some half-ass" apology. He knows you have nowhere to go so he can basically DO whatever he wants.
Figure out your NEW living situation asap. Then end it and move out.
This is not healthy for either of you. And you should WANT more from a partner.
Accept that it's over and you need to be independent and respect yourself enough to TAKE the "scary" next step and find some place else to live.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 July 2020):
 Would being alone be worse than the situation in which you find yourself now? Think about it. Being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. These are two very different things. Why are you so scared of being alone?
You state he is your best friend but ask yourself, would a best friend make you feel like he does? Of course not.
You put up with his bad behaviour so why should be change? He might be a great guy while sober but you know he drinks regularly and, when he drinks, he is far from great.
You already know what you need to do. You have a choice of allowing this to continue indefinitely and wasting your life, or getting out and reclaiming your life as quickly as possible. I hope you have the strength to do the latter. If not, we will probably be hearing from you again.
You are worth better.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (26 July 2020):
 It sounds to me like this relationship has unfortunately run its course.
You are right, i don't think he will change either, this is going to go on until you make a stand and move out.
I feel you have already resigned yourself to the fact that this is over and moving out is the best option, you have enough money, and you have already looked into places.
No one should have to endure drunken abuse from their partner. Going go bed and trying to go to sleep and not knowing what is going to happen when he rolls home drunk is no life for anyone.
I know the thought of moving out may seem rather daunting, the thoughts of being alone etc. But i think moving out will be the best option for you and you can get your life back together and be happy. You said yourself you want to get your old happy self back, so make the move and get out of there and do just that.
Have you got a support network that you can confide in like family and close friends?. I'm sure they would be telling you the same thing.
This guy is never going to change, so make the stand, be strong and move out. Is there anyone you can stay with while the process of getting another place is going through?.
I think once you are out of there you will feel like a huge burden has been lifted from your shoulders, and you can concentrate on loving yourself again.
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