A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 26 years now.We first met in 1991 as friends, but didn't start dating until 1993.I was 24 at the time and she was 26 when we started dating, Within 2 years we were engaged and then she gave birth to our daughter.She was a 26-year-old American living here, I was a local living not far from Amsterdam, but commuting there for my job.Our daughter is the main focus of this question.I'm questioning if she's really mine after my wife admitted to me the other day she'd been having an affair with a guy since April 1994. The other man lives 30 miles away.This won't change the love for my daughter I have, or anything like that.But I'm wondering why she would leave it so long to tell me.She's admitted the other man is now a slightly more high-profile person than he was back then. He's involved in local politics some 30-40 miles away, and is now married with kids.Back to the main issue. I could get a DNA test, but you can't exactly force a 27-year-old daughter to do that can you?As it is, I'm a father of the bride soon. My daughter's engaged to her girlfriend and wants to get married in the next 18 months - 2 years.She came out to us aged 16 and we had no issues with it.Back in 2011 being gay or lesbian probably wasn't like it is now. Acceptance was probably mixed due to the culture of the time. Even in a supposedly progressive country like the Netherlands.She's told me she wants a nice, quiet, but intimate wedding. Just me, mum, some family and a small group of her girlfriends. A mixture of Dutch, Italian, Chinese, Indian food at a buffet. Just that. Not an extravagant wedding.I've got two big issues to consider.Why my wife would be admitting to this affair after all this time.Helping my daughter with her wedding. We've always had a good father-daughter relationship. She told me explicitly she wants my help.One final thing. My daughter is a dual Dutch/US citizen by birth because her mother is an American citizen.Dutch law technically doesn't allow dual citizenship, but this sort of thing is an exception. Probably due to "those who acquire another citizenship at the time of birth".For what it's worth, my wife is a US citizen but never renounced, and became a Dutch citizen in the past few years. From what I understand, she was allowed to keep her citizenship due to "the person is married to or the registered partner of a Dutch national." and "where the applicant has "special and objectively assessable reasons" for not renouncing his existing nationality." and possibly "where renunciation of the applicant's existing nationality would cause "serious financial losses" (for example, inheritance rights). ".I couldn't move to America with her without losing my citizenship. Not that I wouldn't mind but it'd be expensive and my wife would have to sponsor me.Her home state of Connecticut is pleasant, only visited twice in the past. Her family are lovely people.Interestingly, I'd considered retirement there after she suggested we both retire to there in old age when our daughter was grown-up and married. With or without kids.I'm sure they'd be both embarrassed and angry if they knew.But should I really expose this affair to them?Anyway, I was considering divorce but I don't know how to handle things.It's not like she had an affair with a big-name individual, even though he is a local politician now who's well-known in the town 30-40 miles away, seen with his wife and grown-up kids, but he's not a beroemd persoon (celebrity in Dutch).I don't want to get angry and worked up about this, but should I.Where should I go from here next?
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affair, divorce, engaged, his ex, lesbian, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Anon21  +, writes (3 June 2022):
Hi OP
You said that your wife had been having an affair since 1994. Does that mean her affair is still ongoing or has it come to an end?
One reason that your wife has confessed her affair to you is that one day her daughter may do an Ancestry DNA test that will point to who her biological father is. Your wife either knows or she may think you are not her daughters father.
Have you talked to your wife about her affair? how is started, why she had the affair and when did it end etc. Have you and your wife reconciled what happened and how to move forward etc.
You and your wife could go to counciling so that you and your wife can talk through the issues and help to solve them. This all depends if you want to stay married to your wife.
Your daughter will one day come to know about this issue so it may be better that is comes from you and not some Ancestry DNA test.
Good Luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): I think you may as well stand by your daughter and possibly your wife as well.
Mistakes have been made in the past but you have turned it all into a happy story with love for your family.
You can't obliterate all those years of loving your wife and daughter unless you are truly retrospectively shocked to the core.
Otherwise your love and all your happy memories are going to crumble to dust.
I know some people get entangled with others and they bitterly regret it.
Also there are men who bring the child up as their own and the child loves them for that.
I don't think I would suggest shattering your daughters happiness just when her big day is looming on the horizon.
All she knows is that mum and dad were there from the day she was born and were good parents to her.
Maybe I'd leave the big exposed until way after the wedding.
Who cares if your youthful love rival is now a local politician?
Who cares if he thinks he's a minor celebrity?
That status lasts only while the camera is rolling.
After the camera is gone he is as ordinary as the next man but with a possibly larger ego due to his position in public life but in all other respects as human as anyone else.
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