A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been having a hard time with my mom over the last 7 years, basically ever since politics became particularly divisive. Over time, I have wanted to engage less and less around politics with her because I find it hard to know what she really thinks. I love her but think her values suck. Unfortunately not discussing politics with her is not an option. She brings it up incessantly and makes constant little digs. My tactic is usually to ignore her and change the subject, but I have to work really hard to always have topics in mind to switch to. Sometimes she keeps pushing me, so we get into a dialogue, which then turns into a fight. When I tell her I don't want to discuss these things with her, she says things like, "you don't care what I think" and "I guess we're not as close as I thought" and even cries. I've explained to her that we just disagree and we don't need to talk about politics, that we can talk about plenty of other things. But since my dad died, I feel like politics became her solace. I get that she wants to share politics with me because it's important to her and I'm important to her, but if we so vehemently disagree, I really don't see the point. I actually hate knowing what and how she thinks because I find it kind of frightening. I want to maintain a good relationship with her, but I don't know how to set boundaries with in her in a way that she will understand and respect. We are going on a mother/daughter trip, and I know she will bring up politics repeatedly because she always does. I don't want to engage and I don't want to fight. How do I navigate this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): Correction: politics is emotional and divisive!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2022): Just tell her : " i love you mum and I respect all the kindness you showed me as a child but I do not want to discuss politics with you as it is emotional and decisive.
If we are to take mother daughter trips together then discussing politics or political matters must remain off the table.
We must agree to disagree and not allow these matters to divide us. "
Your mum may learn the art of restraint but if you have to keep reminding her that political topics are off reach, then you just keep reminding her as if she had alzheimers.
' Have you forgotten mum, we agreed not to let politics ruin our day! What would you like to do today that we can both enjoy?'
Failing that, you hire someone to listen to her political commentary.
Whatever you do don't lose your rag and get annoyed with her, because she probably is more fragile than you think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2022): I read your post, and I get your point, but what I don't get is why you're going on a mother-daughter trip together knowing what a disaster it's going to be?
In my opinion, politics is the most divisive and toxic subject of our modern era. It's tainted with racism, nationalism, meanness, slander, and vileness. Everyone is entitled to their opinions; and we should all vote according to our conscience, and should do our civic duty. If you espouse hatred and violence as a part of your political ideology, what on earth is there to talk about??? You gave no specifics about what your mother likes to talk about, and you didn't mention what it is about her political views you find offensive or difficult; but without saying I can almost guess.
When people insist on pushing a subject down your throat, be it religion, politics, pop-culture, or whatever; it isn't a discussion these days, it's either an indoctrination into a cult, or looking for a way to negatively categorize you as an person. I'm a Christian, and I know a lot of people of faith have a tendency to come at people with a very self-righteous and judgmental approach. As if they can do no wrong, have done no wrong, and have Jesus Christ on speed dial.
Jesus never forced anybody to listen to Him. He even told His disciples to simply leave any town that rejected the gospel and wipe the dust from their sandals. Just leave them be. He tells us never to quarrel with people about Him. You don't clobber people over the head with Jesus. A true Christian does things according to the Word of scripture; if you go outside of that, you're pedaling your own self-righteousness, and the Spirit of the Lord isn't there to back you up! It doesn't mean you don't try to lead others to find salvation; you try, and leave them alone if they don't want to hear it! Plant a seed, and maybe it'll take root.
Politics is different. People no longer respect people who disagree; you'll become their enemy. They sit all day long listening to radical obnoxious garbage and disinformation coming from hate-mongers, evil-clowns, and trouble-makers; then alienate all their family and friends, based on all that mess they've been saturated with from the time they rise until the time they laydown to sleep.
Your mother is a person who is either an advocate of a cause, or a very civic-minded person. Maybe she feels you don't exercise your civic duties as a good citizen should; or she's trying to bend you towards her way of thinking, and making it a condition for her love. If it is the latter, you have to keep your distance. You have to keep things in a neutral-zone; because she won't budge. When things become contentious; it is best that you leave, not bicker or quarrel with her. She will only assert her motherly-authority; and you'll acquiesce for the sake of gaining or sustaining her approval. With her, as a child, you probably had to work for her love. Which you probably won't easily receive; because you'll have to always agree with her way of thinking.
Respectfully listen to as much as you can stand; but if all efforts to change the subject fails, then it is time to go home. Leave on a light note, wish her well, and just go.
Political views have put a strain on our society, it divides good people; and has gone so far as to separate people from their loved-ones. We don't discuss politics at our family gatherings. I discuss politics only with like-minded people, not with those who hold radical points of view, support crazy ideologies, or spout outlandish conspiracy theories. They're usually spoiling for a fight, not healthy debate. Not in my house! Those who insist, will be asked to leave. No ifs, ands, or buts! I'll read the room, if I don't like the atmosphere; I'll just leave. I won't waste any of my time defending my principles with closed-minded people. There is a pandemic of craziness and hatefulness that is worse than covid!!!
You can't force people who have been brainwashed by disinformation and watch certain news broadcasts all day long. They've adopted views that have become personalized and they believe to be right. Open-mindedness and compromise are no longer an option. If they can't convince you to see it their way, they will become your mortal enemy.
I think you should limit your visits with your mom; and leave when the conversation shifts towards politics. You cannot make her see things your way, and you shouldn't try to force anyone to talk about things they obviously have no interest in. That goes two-ways. People obsessed in politics become so narrow-minded and partisan these days; they'll gang-up on others who don't share their politics. I mean that literally, they'll gang-up on their opponents! One on one isn't enough; they must rally a rowdy group of obnoxious people to corner those who don't agree, and make them feel intimidated.
I'm sorry to say, but I'm not optimistic about the trip together. If you don't know how to set boundaries with your mom at 30; then perhaps the reason is you're trying way too hard to seek her approval, that you can't stand your ground with her. You have to develop that on your own; based on your own personality, and that of your mothers. If you're intimidated by her, not much we can advise. That kind of conditioning runs deep. We can't sit and observe how you two interact with each-other; and your post doesn't give much detail as what it is you find so difficult about her politics.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2022):
 Have a chat with her.
Tell her that you can respect the difference in opinion politically but it is not how you want to spend the holiday as you know it will end with a fight and you DO NOT want to fight on your holiday, so you hope SHE can respect that politics is off the table. And if she doesn't you will simply REMOVE yourself EVERY time she does it/ It might be that you go to your room, or you go to another place. You might have to "train" this out of her.
My husband loves to "argue" politics. I don't have an issue discussing it, but when it gets to a "monologue" I'm done, as I have heard it a million times before. There is nothing new there. And we mainly agree on politics! So I extract myself from the situation. I simply find something to do elsewhere in the house. When I get back we talk about other things. It's not a 100% surefire thing but that works for me.
We all have our own opinions. That is OK. Doesn't mean EVERY time you talk it has to be a debate!
Maybe this is how she communicated with your dad? For a long time? And perhaps she is VERY "rusty" in having conversations that don't include politics? Some people will find ANY topic and twist it so they can try and "change" other people's opinions. It gets old hat REAL quick!
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