A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife says she will leave me if I keep watching porn. What is wrong with her?I have no idea why she thinks watching porn is bad. This is something I like to do and do it privately. I never told her I was into porn and many of you can guess why. No one in their right mind would make this kind of a confession. I never planned on telling her about my interest in porn. But, one day she walked in on me watching porn. She said she didn't want me watching it anymore because its offensive and hurtful to her. She also mentioned the word disgusting. I kept telling her she was out of her mind and that watching porn is absolutely fine. This kept going on until few days back when she got tired of it and said she would leave me if I continued watching porn. This is ridiculous. She is literally mad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2016): Well its nice that you are truthful on here.. maybe you should of been truthful to her in the beginning of the relationship.. PORN is sick.. just sick.. if you can not find happiness with out looking at PORN.. then something is totally wrong with you .. have respect for your wife.. ! What would you do if you caught her looking at porn and you didnt think it was good?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Pretty sure you should have told her before you decided to marry her. If you felt there was nothing wrong with it, then why hide it? If you knew she did not like it then why lie? You know you are in the wrong here, as you have been hiding things from her, which is never good in a marriage.
A lot of women hate porn as they feel then they are not good enough, or that it gives a man an unrealistic view of being intimate.
I guess now it is up to you, what is more important to you, a happy marriage, or being alone watching porn.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Most porn is degrading so, aside from it triggering insecurities, it also shows that the person watching porn doesn't care or doesn't notice - neither of which is positive.Hiding something as controversial as porn isn't okay because it can be a deal breaker, which you knew, hence you hid it and got caught.You're not wrong for watching it, but you are for hiding it. Now you need to choose if porn is more important than your marriage. If you *won't* stop, you need to leave because it's not fair to her, as she's made it clear she doesn't want a partner who watches it. If you *can't* stop, you should seek therapy for your addiction.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 October 2016):
 OP you said "I never told her I was into porn and many of you can guess why."
Why is because you knew it was not acceptable to her.
I always knew my husband watched porn and it does not bother me but I am a pretty secure and rare woman.
I agree that you knew she would not accept it so you kept is a secret from her. Now that it has come to light you have choice to make... her or you celluloid girls.
she's made her choice...she wants a husband that does not watch porn. This is her right and you denied her that choice when you kept your porn usage a secret from her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): People should discuss their sexual peccadillos before they move in/get married to gauge their partners acceptance (or not). It's common sense. My long term partner watches porn and I'm completely OK with it. He let me know before we moved in together and showed me what he watches so I know the kind of things he likes. In saying that I would not be OK if he visited strip clubs or had lap dances etc. That's my line in the sand.You should have made it clear what you liked before you married her. You hid it because you knew she had strong feelings and was likely to get upset. She isn't out of her mind. It's well known that a lot of women (and some men) abhor porn and feel it's degrading to the people involved and akin to cheating. I don't feel that way but accept that others do.You should respect your wife's opinion and try to find a way through this with her if you want to stay married.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 October 2016):
 You don't appreciate*
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 October 2016):
You could liken this to your wife doing something that you don't appr coats and make you question your marriage. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it and there's no two ways about it.
You either talk to her to smooth things over or your marriage seems to be over.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (20 October 2016):
"That question could be turned around and posed to the OP's wife just as easily: What's more important, her marriage, or her desire to control what her husband sees and hears?"
She's already made her position clear, it's a dealbreaker to her and she's willing to leave over it. He now needs to decide if it's one for him too...
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Sorry mate, but for a lot of women porn can ultimately be a third woman in the relationship. One she feels she has to live up to, compete with, share her time, move over or sit back while he partner devotes his time getting off with her. Hardly seems fair to think that is ok when clearly she thinks not. Like others have said, had you been forthright with her before marriage she may not have married you, so why should you now expect her to stay? My guess you two are in for a long and arduous times because in most cases porn use just goes underground, then the lies start, then the arguments...before you know it porn will be your other woman because your wife might sexually shut down towards you or like you go get her sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): Man, you knew she wouldn't like it and that's why you didn't tell her. Okay, now she knows and has expressed her feelings about it. If you can't give it up, you've got a problem. Not only with a possible addiction, but with your marriage.
I am not taking the female position on the subject. I am taking the reasonable position. Nowadays there are far too many excuses for low self-esteem, body-image issues, and insecurity. They exist whether porn is involved or not. Your wife has expressed her feelings about it, and you should respect them. This is not a challenge or a debate. It is a ultimatum that may effect the outcome of your marriage.
If you break it down, the appeal and value of porn is for all the things that she dislikes about it. When you get married there are some things you do give-up; if you know it offends your mate, or has a serious impact on your relationship.
Go ahead, test your luck! You've got everything to lose!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2016):
 If you had told her BEFORE marriage this would NOT be an issue. Because? She wouldn't have married you.
You seem to think porn is JUST fine, yet you hide it.. so how fine is it?
Some people are OK with porn (like you) and some are not (like her) unless you two can compromise, it's pretty much over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): That question could be turned around and posed to the OP's wife just as easily:
What's more important, her marriage, or her desire to control what her husband sees and hears?
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (19 October 2016):
Your post doesn't make sense OP. You say on one hand you don't think you're doing anything wrong, but on the other you state you've been hiding your porn use from her. So that suggests you knew fine well she wasn't a fan of porn, or at least suspected as much, and instead of having a mature conversation about it you decided to sneak around and hope she'd never find out.
Anyway what's done is done I suppose. As for your question, I'd guess the reason she doesn't like it is because she feels you are giving your sexual attention away to other women. She feels that as your wife, she should be the only woman that gets to satisfy you sexually and it hurts her that you are using images and videos of other women's bodies for that purpose.
Now you can disagree with her views and call her crazy/broken all you like - well despite the fact that it's an incredibly dismissive way to refer to the feelings of the person you are supposed to love most in the world - but at the end of the day it comes down to one question: what's more important to you? Your marriage or your desire to view porn?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2016): Because PORN is a deal breaker for her.You cannot change her mind.It is what it is and she is entitled to her feelings whether or not you agree.Most women despise porn and we hate that our partners watch it. It makes us feel like we are not enough. Not pretty enough. Not sexy enough. That our bodies are not hot enough. Not good enough in bed. On and on. It makes us feel insecure. Like we just fall short. Like our men get off on that stuff and not get off on US. We are REAL. That shit is not. And it just bothers us that you men actually need it. That you get off on it. Are addicted to it. When we are right there to please you and take care of all your sexual needs. We lose respect for men because they lower themselves to this base line male behaviour which clearly perpetuates the all men are pigs generalization. And we eventually become resentful and hold back sex because of our emotional disconnect or leave you altogether if we feel you are too dependent on that shit. We see it as a step into infidelity. We see it as disloyal. Thinking about other women sexually. We see it as cheating. Even though not physical it definitely is in your thoughts. There is a very fine line and each individual has their own tolerance level or acceptance of what that line is. We also worry you could be having sex with us and imagining some porn wh*re instead. Not nice at all. That would be a huge turn off. Or that eventually your thirst for fantasy and porn will lead you to cheat with real live women. You know how easy that is nowadays? It has never been easier.I am not sure if it would actually bother you if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you have a problem with her watching male strippers or watching porn and then taking care of herself without you around? And perhaps even developing a habit and masturbating to videos all day and ignoring you? Not wanting sex with you anymore because she is always fantasizing and the fantasies are providing her the sexual release she needs? How would you like it if she was looking at other guy's private parts that are likely a lot bigger than yours? Guys that have more stamina? May be able to provide more pleasure? How would you like it if she fantasized about them? Hmmmm? Funny how boys will be boys but it sure does seem to burn their ass when their wives or girlfriends would partake in the same behaviour? Like it isn't okay for us?She sees porn as a threat to your relationship. And I agree with her. It can become out of control. It has been known to ruin relationships. Casual use is okay. Even if you watch it together once in awhile. But to watch it regularly and on your own is a problem. That is when it becomes an addiction. And that is when it's time to get some help. If you love your wife, you will either curb your porn use drastically or stop altogether or get some counselling on why you feel you need it so much in your life. What are you running away from? Why the need to self medicate? What are the underlying causes? Clearly there is something going on in you or in your relationship. Investigate the root cause of your porn use. That should be the start of fixing the problem. Because it IS a problem. And you are just in complete denial. Much like any addict is.
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