A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently made friends with this incredibly nice guy who is one of my clients at my work. He explains to me that he's had no luck in the L.A. dating scene and so being the nice girl that I am, I suggested that he should date one of my other clients. We invited him over to this lady's house for drinks and he seemed very interested in her. Throughout the night, he would rub her shoulders but then it changed and he started to cuddle me instead of her which made it very awkward and seemed disrespectful since she was suppose to be the one to be cuddled instead of me. The lady wasn't offended because she told me that she didn't expect too much out of the situation...she just wanted to meet him. When she passed out in her room, this guy started to cuddle me again and then kissed me and clearly wanted to take things to another level. I stopped him and made sure that it didn't go any further but it left me puzzled because throughout the development of our relationship, he made it clear that we were friends and didn't want to go any further than that because I am recently separated and he wanted to give me space until I sorted things out in my life. The next day, he sends me a text that basically said "Hey there friend!" My inkling is that perhaps he wants to be friends with benefits but I just don't get why he would spend so much time trying to make it clear of where we stand and then crosses the line in the house of someone I was trying to hook him up with. Help! What does this all mean?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo my guy friend and I spoke again about this situation. This time I was very direct with him and asked him what he wanted to do with me and what is our friendship/relationship is exactly. His reply was that he apologized for confusing the situation and that he's had a history of always doing this. He said that he wanted to remain friends but if there was a situation where drinking was involved and we crossed the line and had sex that he would be okay with that if the feeling was mutual.
I asked him if he was game into trying things out between us and he said that we will have to see. Time changes everything so we will see when the time comes. Then I told him that I'd rather have him be upfront because i wouldn't want to ruin our friendship because we get along so well and then he said that he agreed with me and that it wouldn't be such a bad idea. I am sooo frustrated. Any thoughts about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay...so I did the loss/jealousy ploy on him today and after our conversation through text, he started to get really defensive and stopped complimenting me through sexual references like he usually does. After I called him on his nasty attitude change, he brought up the fact about how the gay marriage ruling in california was overturned and how he has no idea why anyone would want to get married. I then told him that i wouldn't mind getting married again after a long while and he said that I have plenty of time and not to make a bad decision.
He also brought up the question as to why I don't I try to have a rebound with this other guy and move on. I told him that I was done wasting my time on being intimate with someone if things aren't going anywhere and that this other guy wants more and I cannot offer it at this time. I'd rather spend my energy on healing myself rather than being destructive. His reply was that it made perfect sense and that he has the same problems, so he wouldn't do it if he were me. I wanted him to get the hint that I am not playing games and that I will not settle for friends with benefits. I've decided that after this conversation with him, that I will no longer waste my time and energy on this friendship/relationship because he's still not letting down his friendship line. He did become defensive and off put, and I know he didn't like the fact about this new situation.
His bad attitude cannot be coincidence after bringing in another guy into this equation. He's playing games and I just do not care for it. He needs to make up his mind, Right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you sooo much Cerberus! I will definitely try that later on this week and see what happens. I really appreaciate your advice and please tell your girlfriend thank you too! I will keep you posted!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): Oh she wanted me to add, to be careful and very subtle though. That you don't want it to seem like you're not interested in him just that while he's waiting to make his move there are others showing interest in you and that you're considering it because you're ready, if you know what I mean.
She said guys that play the long waiting game can get stuck in a comfort zone of playing that game if they have no competition. They often get emotional satisfaction from the fact that they're the only guy in your life which makes them less inclined to want to risk going any further. Take them out of that comfort zone and introduce another guy into the equation and more often that not there'll be some kind of reaction. Well you'll be able to gauge his interest from that and get the closure you need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): This is kind of odd, on the one hand he's acting like a guy with interest on the other he keeps maintaining this whole idea of friendship in you.
He could be worried about being a rebound or he might be unsure of how you feel for him, there are many possibilities. At the end of the day though, he seems conflicted, what he says and how he's acting are completely different.
I asked my girlfriend what she'd do in this situation because well I'm not a girl and haven't experienced this from a female perspective and she suggested 'loss/jealousy' ploy. The 'loss/jealousy' ploy is when a guy can't make up his mind, or isn't showing enough interest and you introduce another love interest to the equation.
A guy who's actually interested will react at the thought of losing his opportunity or the thought of losing you to someone else. She said you are within your right to pursue another guy or let another guy pursue you because he's maintained this whole friendship thing. If he really only wants to be just friends then he won't react and in that situation if you do find another guy then it won't matter. If he is interested in being with you then the thought of someone else having you will be too much and he'll drop the act.
She said she's been through this before and there's nothing worse than trying to figure out a guy who's playing a long game and doesn't know what he wants. That, loss is often the thing that can help someone realize what they actually want. Because as you know, sometimes we don't know what we want until it's gone.
Personally I'm not really one for playing these kind of games but you've tried the up front approach and he's still playing it safe and ambiguous. Perhaps feigning disinterest will make him wake up or at least you'll know from his reaction what the real story is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone! I thought I would give an update as to what's been going on! This fellow and I talk several times on a weekly basis. He's been very forward and flirty but then he still insists that we are "friends." I did tell him that he can make whatever he wanted out of our relationship once I filed for divorce (since I am legally seperated). But his response was that no matter what happens between us that we will always be friends. But I just feel that if thats what he truly wanted, then he wouldn't try as hard as he is to keep talking to me. For the most part, I don't initiate our conversations, he is always the one to start texting. I just think that he tries so hard to keep in touch with me. I have other guy friends that I talk to, but they certainly don't try has hard as he does. He's still confusing me even though I tried to talk things out with him. If there is more advice that anyone can give about this situation, please let me know!! Why is he going out of his way to visit me at work, flirt, give sexual references, and initiate text messaging if he just wants to be friends? Is he trying to establish that we will be friends with benefits when I'm divorced?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): I think Cerberus hit it on the head. I think he fancies you and has all along. Either he's playing the waiting game or the nice-guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! I would like to thank all of you so far in answering my question...as far as an update, he came into my work today and chatted for a while. He acted as if nothing happened because my assistant was with me and made sure that everything stayed professional in front of her. When my assistant left, he started to come out of his shell a little and wanted to thank me for that night. I asked him about what he thought of the lady I was trying to hook him up with in hopes that I could tell where I truly stood.
He said that he was blown away by the fact that she was still single and also expressed how he felt that she also wasn't giving the full story about why she's been single with kids. Then after that conversation he proceeded to tell me that he hopes that I have a great business trip and that he hopes to see her again. So its back to the negative-positive push pull syndrome. I can't tell if he truly wants me or her and I don't want to embarrass myself if I did ask him straight out how he felt. The lady I was trying to hook him up with is gorgeous and I just feel weird about this...what should I next? Should I just have a serious talk with him? I've only known him for about a few months and it just seems that its too soon to do that. Or do I have a right to because he crossed the "friendship line" that night?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2010): He's being an idiot, he obviously likes you he just thinks you're not ready for a relationship so he's playing the waiting game.
It's very obvious to me that he likes you a lot, he said all that 'where we stand' stuff so that you would feel comfortable around him. I think he presumes you'll let him know when you're ready and will choose him when you are. So he's hanging around in the hopes that will happen. I've seen this lots of times.
He could also just be an ass platying the nice guy too. I mean he did get cozy with both of you that night and made a move on you even after all that 'where we stand' stuff.
You should ask him straight out how he'd feel about a relationship in the future. Don't ask him what he wants from you, he'll just do the friendship/you're not ready thing again. Talk to him like you're wondering if he'd like a relationship with you, implying you're considering it, even if you're not. This might seem a littl underhanded and it is to certain degree but he's not being honest with you and he's already shown he has an agenda so it's better for your own peace of mind to find out exactly what he has planned.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 June 2010):
Either he fancies you, or as I suspect he's after having his way with several women. Don't be used.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (10 June 2010):
 Was he drunk when he did this?? I'm thinking that you were his interest all along! I'm thinking he's wanted you all along, yet he said what you wanted to hear and was willing to wait until the alcohol took down his inhibitions.
Yeah, that's kinda creepy. Doesn't sound like he wants to date. Sounds like he's horny. You might want to give him the number to an escort service instead of your clients. Usually, DATING and getting to know someone comes before the physical stuff, unless you're at a bar looking for a one night stand.
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