A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:For five years my boyfriend and I were pretty happy. We had a few problems, difference in lifestyles (that i thought could be sorted out) and we eventually split up. We tried to make it work but I think once he planted the seeds of doubt he couldn't see it working out. We decided to officially split up. Less then two weeks later he got with a girl. One he won't have the same kind of problems we would have done. I was crushed.I want to keep this short so he's asked to see me this weekend. Any thoughts? Is he guilty for hurting me? Missing me? Wanting to be friends, lovers?And also, how do I play it? Angry for what he's done? Or nice and sweet so he can see what he's missing?Other things that you may need to know. We started dating in college and I know for a long time he was head over heels for me. I ever saw him look at another girl. He's done some mean things since we split and I have done nothing but be civil.Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): WRITER of the question:
Thanks for your replies so far, just thought i'd answer some of the questions.
For the most part I would like to get back together but with the goal that we would work on the problems we had e.g he likes to have fun, and while I do too I know when to stop. I know he loved me for those 5 years, I never questioned that. Which is why I'm pretty shocked how he got a girl so quickly.
As for the mean things, it was mostly just standing me up on important occasions, ignoring me. The worst thing was probably bringing his new girlfriend to a party, two days after I found out he had one. As for his girl, she's been after him for a long, long time and now they're together she's pretty smug. I hear she's been trying to get our mutual aquainances on her side.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (24 September 2009):
 We don't know if you want him back or if you want him to go away and never be heard from again. Or what your goals are.
This is the post-break-up party that you don't want to attend but might want to probe him a little on this before saying yes or no.
Here's the problem. You and he were very close. There was no "grieving period" for him, or so you think. In fact, he found a girl pretty quickly. The problem I see is, that he was trying to fill a void which is natural. Women do this too.
He probably also figured it out that she was a rebound lover, and maybe you know that too.
You didn't say what he did that was mean, but I think part of the problem here is that he's trying to say something to you. And he's reaching out.
Its very hard to understand this, because if he really does still love you, maybe its an issue of what he could do to change himself, to change his behavior, and to change his lifestyle.
When people do want something bad enough, like salvaging a relationship, they will make the changes in their lives and be happy about it.
I would say if you want to do something constructive, and you want to remain civil, then find out what it is exactly he wants to do before you meet him.
If he's trying to open up to you, and if he really does want to keep you, then he's trying to say he's going to do somethings to change himself to prove it.
If that's the case, you can keep things on a "probationary" level between you until you see those changes, and they're real. That is if you want him back.
We don't know if you want him back or if you're just playing with him. If you're playing with him, just let him go and stop being cruel to each other. In that case just say no.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 September 2009):
I would really avoid this. I have the feeling things didn't work out with this other girl and he's going to try and win you back. But he has done some mean things, as you say, so don't be so sure that he's not just going to use you. If you do go, don't be angry OR sweet and kind. Be firm and strong for yourself. Remember he didn't change his lifestyle before and it couldn't be worked out. So the chances are he won't change now either and you'll just end up in the same mess as before. Hope that helps.
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