A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm left slightly confused over something....I've been in my current job for 5 months. Now the other week our manager arranged for us all to go bowling and then for a bite to eat at the weekend. I was unsure if I could make it but the lady who had been training me urged me to go and said it'd be really good fun.I did go but what I found extremely odd was that when I tried to make conversation with her, she just gave me 1 word answers and really seemed like she couldn't be bothered with me! I offered to get a round of drinks in- I got her 1 too but when she went to get a drink she didn't offer me 1 but bought for everyone else....I thought I was being paranoid but when we sat down to eat she turned her back to me and ignored me the entire time...The last I saw of her was on Friday and everything was fine and this night out was on the Saturday so I had no idea what I did to make her behave the way! I've never had an issue with her, she is one of the nicest women in the team and really looked after me well in my first couple of months.. She's in her 30s - so not a teenager with mood swings.On Monday she was absolutely fine with me. I asked if she was on on Saturday as she didn't seem herself and she says she was fine...Why would someone want you to come out and then purposely ignore you?? Any ideas?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 I too agree with WiseOwlE
I think she invited you and then EXPECTED that you would WANT to get to know the other co-workers and socialize on your own, without her having to hold your hand. A night out like that would have been a perfect way for you to get to know some of the OTHER co-workers.
The drink thing... not cool of her, but I would let it pass, she might have thought you either STILL had a drink or forgot that you bought a round. Not everything is tit-for-tat.
I'd relax, and IF you are looking to make friends at work, she probably isn't it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 January 2016):
 I am with WiseOwlE on this.
You are reading too much into this. She " urged " you to go ?... she asked you, or suggested you to go,- but I strongly doubt that she particularly cared whether you'd go or not. ( You, or any other new employee - It's not that she has singled you out, it's just that you two aren't very close yet ). She told you to go out of politeness, or to please the manager who had organized the whole gig, or because this is some sort of " team building " endeavour, or quite simply because she thought it was actually a good chance for you to have fun and socialize- but the fact of extending you an invitiation to join an office " do " does not mean that she is offering herself as your chaperon, or plus one, or special companionship for the night, and does not oblige her to show you any more special attention or friendliness than .. just the very basics, as she did.
I don't quite understand what YouWish means by "she is not " self- aware " ?...Anyway, I'd say that at least she is socially aware , because she adopted the social behavior that's most expected and appropriate in these circumstances. You adopt a general " light " party mood. You make small talk all around , and engage in short conversations with everybody, rather than in long , deep one-to-one exchanges. Really, in general an office "mixer " of this type is SO not the right setting for cozy chit chats , or for getting to know someone on a deeper level.
So, personally I don't think it's a matter of this lady being moody or rude, but instead of the OP not being able to read the social code correctly. Next time, if you go again at some other office gathering, do not feel that you have to hang on for dear life to the person who invited you - you don't, and so what if you don't know the other people ? That's the point ! , you go so that you can break ice and meet new people. Follow YouWish ' s advice , and be a social butterfly. Move around, a smile here, a hi there, a joke next group- keep circulating. Not frantically, :) ...of course. Just casually.
The drink thing is bad , though, I agree. Accepting a drink and omitting to reciprocate when it's her turn- not cool. But, I think it may have been just a mistake, a distraction, as it happens when there's a crowd- it would be too strange that she had done this as an open unequivocal, public declaration of hostility !, why should she have done that for ??
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2016):
 I think it's because she's not self-aware. Many people in social settings go in for small talk and one word answers. You also may have felt like a fish out of water due to the fact that you hardly knew anyone there.
The next time you go to a social event, don't just zero in on the one inviting you. Talk to EVERYONE! Be a social butterfly, even if you're naturally introverted and prefer a one-on-one setting the entire night.
Her accepting a drink from you and then not including you in the reciprocation was just plain rude. All the more reason to get to know your other co-workers and find the NOT-RUDE ones in the mix.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): I think you read too much into it. She invited you into the group, and you really didn't have to make her your center of attention. You didn't mention how the rest of the group behaved; and perhaps she was cutting the umbilical cord to allow you to just mix and mingle on your own. After all, wasn't that the point of an invitation to be with the group?
If everything was fine the following week, and she treats you the same otherwise; just don't make anything of that Saturday night. She told you she was fine, so leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): It sounds like you have done all you can to identify a reason. I knew someone at work who behaved like that towards me. Nice at work then rude at social events. I found it false and actually hurtful as if their being nice to me was only to make themselves look good at work the rest was how they really felt. I decided to be clever and mirror their coldness back to them at work. I didn't allow them to indulge in their inconsistency any more!
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