A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Today one of my coworkers that I'm friendly with surprised me with coffee and muffin from a fast food place. I normally get to work an hour early because parking spaces are scarce--first come first serve.When I arrived, he came to my window and say hey,I got some yyou goodies because I noticed you're always sleepy when you get here..so I thought you might want cofeee. This caught me off gourd and I told me that I aready ate and was full(which was true) but I still took the muffin ,not the coffee.I thanked him and we chatted briefly then he had to go inside the building.I know this could be nothing but a friendly gesture but it made me a little uncomfortable since no co worker have done something like this before. We're friendly towards one another. I'm 31 and he is 51.I don't get a creepy vibe out of him but I feel uncomfortable now..maybe i'm just not used to kind geaustures. Am I reading too much into this? Why would he go out of his way to do this? I must have been on his mind?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 He has saw you sleeping in your car, my guess is that he is a kind man and when he was stopped to get himself something thought off you parked their for an hour or so napping and wanted to bring you something. It is sad that this has made you feel uncomfortable, but from reading your post it is clear you are not used to people being kind and doing nice things for you. I honestly think you are reading to much in to this and he was being friendly.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (30 January 2017):
I feel very sad for having to say this, but from repeated negative personal experience I have learned to err on the side of caution when it comes to older male colleagues. Is this unfair to the countless men who absolutely mean no harm and are just genuinely nice? Of course. But better safe than sorry, plus there is a happy middle road in dealing with this that does not harm either side!
In the past I was a real people pleaser and I was really afraid of hurting people's feelings. Some sought to take advantage of that by putting me in a position where saying "no" would be costly. A strong person doesn't care about that; they say no when they feel that's what's best for them. I wasn't strong and it landed me in shitty, sometimes even dangerous situations. It's the lesson everyone is taught from the moment they could walk, but it takes a while to truly learn: bad people take advantage of pushovers. Do not be a pushover.
So, if your gut feeling is itching, acknowledge it, but do not get paranoid. So far he hasn't crossed the line or come close to it, so it is still safe to interpret his actions as being a random act of kindness from a fatherly-type person.
What I would do is this:
1: very important: do not view him bringing you goodies as you now being in his debt in some way. This is probably where your current discomfort comes from. He is being nice to you in a way he hasn't before and you're wondering what it's gonna cost you. Well, the good news is that it shouldn't cost you anything, because you never asked for it. That means you do not have to reciprocate to make you two "even". So just appreciate it as an act of kindness and if he does come collecting one day, be confident while you turn him down.
2: do not reciprocate beyond what you would do for other colleagues you have a professional relationship with. I made this mistake and this is where people usually get the idea that the interest is mutual, which it isn't. Coming across as wishy-washy is a disservice to everybody involved.
3: be kind, but firm. That means saying "no" to suggestions of drinking beer in your car next time such a thing comes up. Learning to say "no" politely but firmly has saved me a lot of drama. Whenever you feel like you're put on the spot, decline. "Sorry, but that doesn't appeal to me." Or "No, I would like to keep our relationship strictly professional." Etc. That's all you need to do. And make no excuses. That means no [insert other competing responsibility]. This will just delay the inevitable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to clarify.. He said he always sees me sleeping in my car before work.I have to arrive at least more than hour early before my shift starts because the parking spots are scarce at my work...first come first serve. If you get there too late , the parking spots will be filled.He also arrives early like most people but not as early as me.That's how he noticed me taking a nap in my car before my shift starts
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouWish,We have been working together at the same place for 6 years now and we always been friendly to one another in passing. He works in completely unrelated department from mine.We have no work interactions.At some point 2years when I bought a new car ,he was like "maybe we should go out for beer in your car sometime.He slipped that in our conversation. I was put on the spot and just said sure but nothing came out it. He didn't ask further inquiries nor did he follow up or bring it up again since.We continued acknowledge each other when our path cross.I'm not aware if he has done this to another female in our work place.I seriously doubt he has but i'm not 100% sure.As far has his status,he told me that he has 3 kids and he's divorced from their mother but I don't know if he re married or is involved with anyone.He mentioned this in passing conversation ...on how his son was at his mother's house. It was relevant to what we were talking about. I just haven't cared enough to find out his status since I'm not interested in personal relationship withhim. Everything that I know about him just naturally came up in conversations
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): When I read or hear about this sort of thing, it just makes me sad. The man bought you a coffee and a muffin and that makes you "uncomfortable". What has happened to the world so that we immediately suspect our coworkers of having strange motives behind any little act of kindness?
It is this kind of thinking that is making today's men cold and closed off, because of the fear that kind gestures will be misinterpreted.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 January 2017):
 I think he just happened to buy this for himself, and then picked up extra for you too. So he most likely did not go out of his way for it.
Maybe he is also not used to friendly ppl at work, and this is him showing apprechiation for your friendly talks.
I would not read more into it.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora  +, writes (30 January 2017):
 I honestly think it was just an act of Kindness. Its sad times when a co worker cannot buy someone a coffee without there being alterior motive. I mean a bloke cant even tell a woman her air looks nice these days without people thinking he wants sex or the poor bloke gets reported. Its nice that you got nice colleagues.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 January 2017):
 I feel it necessary to ask a few questions:
Most importantly - is this guy a married man??
Has he ever done this for another girl or a guy in the workplace?
A random act of kindness it very well may be, and if he's honorable, he may have done it just to feel a little alive, see your smile, your thanks, your "my hero" eyes for that moment. No harm, no foul. It made him feel better to make your day better. People like that are great!
But your instincts are correct to STAY PROFESSIONAL. Don't say anything about it unless he starts doing it on more than one occasion and he's singling out only you and isn't being nice to other people in the same manner.
And - if he is a married man, and he starts doing that on a regular basis with just you, I'd ask him if his wife would be okay with him buying you stuff like that. I know that if I were his wife, I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband regularly buying a single woman 20 years younger than he is lunch or gifts. That would start encroaching on boundaries, no matter how pure his intentions are.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 January 2017):
 You say you are "friendly" with this colleague, so I don't really think his gesture was out of place. Getting you coffee and a muffin was a nice thoughtful thing to do.
It's funny how we are all different and the thing which would have bothered ME more about that would have been him mentioning that I look "sleepy" when I arrive at work. That would have preyed on MY mind and I would be making more effort to arrive at work looking ready to work, rather than like I had just rolled out of bed.
Just me and you may not feel the comment was significant (you obviously know him better) but I would have seen it as a really nice way of him possibly warning me that people in the work place were talking.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (30 January 2017):
 Random act of kindness. IMHO
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo.I'm not repulsed by him nor I am attracted to him.However,I do think he's quite attractive for a man his age.
That said, I always get uncomfortable whenever a co-worker of opposite sex shows and gives me excessive attention. Even someone from the same sex..especially when things starts to get more than professional relationship. I don't know why. I'm just not used to have anyone go out of the way to do something nice for me that I don't have close relationship with.Anywyas,I won't read to much into it as for now
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2017):
 I think he was just trying to be nice, but personally, I would nip ANYTHING in the bud asap. Why? Because he made you FEEL uncomfortable.
I'd just stick to being polite and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (30 January 2017):
 He likes you and he was just being nice. he likes you does not necessarily mean he wants to date you, he might just like you as a person and thought you deserve to be treated like that. Be nice and friendly in return and don't read too much into it unless he gives you more reason to do so!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): He might have just taken a fatherly interest in you. He seemed genuinely concerned and kind.I would not read too much into it unless or until you notice other signs or behaviours. Such as him always bringing you coffee and a muffin, or lingering around trying to talk to you, making excuses to see you, asking you to go out for coffee and other obvious behaviours such as excessive staring and eye contact. You will know if he has crossed any boundaries. Right now, he has not.He has done nothing out of the ordinary. He was just being nice. So, for the moment, take it for what it is. An act of kindness. There is no need to feel uncomfortable.I worked as a receptionist for years. I was often the youngest of many co-workers, especially the men. Many of them took a fatherly interest in me and always did nice things for me. It never once indicated they were interested. They were always within the guidelines of acceptable behaviour.But I would like to ask you WHY you feel uncomfortable about a kind gesture from an older co-worker?Do you feel any attraction towards him at all? Are you repulsed by him? What is going on in your mind to ask this question?
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