A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My gf, who is now 27, was raped at 16 by a 26 year old guy she used to hang around with. She never told anyone except me when i met her 5 years ago. She has never dealt with it and has kept it blocked out. She made me promis never to tell anyone or bring it up again.Today I was on the laptop and she had left her msn signed in. I noticed that this guy's name was in her contacts list. I looked further and there is a phone number and 2 email addresses for him. When he raped her, she wasnt on msn and only started using it a year later when she went to university. That means the details were added over a year later.I want to know why she has his details and if she has been in contact with him because I cant see any reason why.If I dont ask it will just keep turning over and over and eventually come out in a bad way. So how should I go about asking her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): was he ever charged with rape?
maybe now after all these years the police are after him and she's helping them to get evidence to convict him e.g. a confession from him.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (21 January 2012):
 I second the idea that it helps her feel in control to keep tabs on him. I'm 100% sure that she is not romantically interested in him if that's what you're worried about. I know you want to ask but you already know she's not cheating. She herself might not know why she wants to and you don't want to make her rethink why. Leave it alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012): It is most likely for closure. I can tell you as a victim myself, I 'blocked it out' and kept in touch only for it to happen again. Be careful how you approach asking her, it is a very sensitive subject but you need to look out for her, I don't think it will do her any good talking to him xo
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 January 2012):
 One would expect the victim of rape not to be in touch with the person who raped her. This seems odd at first sight. There could be a valid explanation, but it would be irresponsible of me to speculate what it could be. Don't assume things.
If you want to ask, maybe you should do it directly. As in "Hon, the other day I saw your MSN contacts -you left them open- and I see you're in touch with rapist. Why?".
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (20 January 2012):
 I think the thing is here that there is slim to essentially no way that she is romantically interested in the guy. It is possible she keeps tabs on him as a way of feeling in control. It is possible that he has contacted her or she has followed up with him for closure purposes. Whatever the reason is, this is not your problem to handle. If she wanted you to know, she would tell you. Rape victims are extremely sensitive to their trauma, and there is really NO good thing that come out of your bringing this up. It is come off as a display of distrust of her, and she will likely run from you for it. You need to trust her that nothing is going on and pretend you haven't seen it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012): Well, first of she's obvisously paralyzed by the fear of guilt and shame of the rape. So you should be very sensitive of her feelings when talking about it. I think by saying, that you found her messaging account left open and noticed that his name and contacts were in there. Be completely honest with her when shes asks questions about why you were snooping around. Tell her you don't understand why she would keep his name and contact info. My best bet would be that she would want to keep him close so that no one will find their 'secret' out. She needs a professional therapists for when shes actually ready to let this go. Its a painful, tramatising situation to adress, and as her boyfriend being supportive is key. However, if this is starting to cause trust issue you need to let her know. If she cant be supportive of that, then maybe you need to do whats best for you, by leaving! But being completely honest is always the best route! Good Luck!
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