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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi there,Would like perhaps a male perspective please.over years ago but it still bothers me as I dont understand it. Only a few months into our relationship (and it was obvious to both parties that we had both met 'the one' and wanted a future including marriage one day). My current partner and boyfriend at the time stared every day continually at a girl in our class (we left our professions to be adult students).I found it bizarre he had a degree already and she was too young for him. I was also upset as I thought that the this sort of staring would only be reserved for me, I see it as being romantic. He stopped after 3 months when I mentioned it and said he was not particulary attracted to her and did not like her more than me and he could not understand why I was upset, but he stopped.It still bothers me, is it normal I think it's very upsetting, I do not stare at other men when I could easily stare at them, I don't flirt with other men when I have them flirting with me. It's awful.I still feel devalued in this aspect of the relationship and it sort of kille something inside me at the time which try as I might I can not get back.I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): Thanks again, I disagree that it is my problem, I don't believe it is good for someone to behave that way to someone they love, it's inconsiderate. I was hoping he would of explained more clearly in his words why he did it so I can relax about it. That is only reasonable.
Dear cupid can you please delete my posts thanks. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): Seek professional help then. This was a trigger to something else present in the core of you. Until that is addressed- you won't get much peace.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Thanks for your replies, gives me something to think about.
I feel devalued as I could not see what it was he 'saw' in her. He said he thought I was better, but to me it should never be a competition.
He did not speak to her or spend time with her, but she was a very manipulative girl who seemed to want to get in the middle of our new relationship and spoil things for me, even though she had a boyfriend of her own.
I noticed she went out of her way to be condescending and try and get as much attention as possible from him and he seemed to give it to her (by means of staring, nothing else happened). It is very hard for me to feel like I am the one when our relationship started this way.
He has not gone to effort on his own to be romantic in our relationship without me asking him first and being very specfic, so I tend to tie the start of our relationship together with the lack of his understanding that I appreciate a few hours thought now and then.
I am very good to him and do all I can. I am not sure what to do we are supposed to be getting married but it is hard I am still waiting for the romantic proposal. That has a little thought. I don't care about superficial things like rings even just something thoughtful.
He has done a lot for me in other ways, but I wish he wouldn't I just appreciate thoughtful soulful things.
It is affecting me very badly, I freeze up when I am around him and feel quite sick over how thing started, actually quite traumitized, I try to 'get over it' and be mature about it but it keeps bothering me that this was a very bad start.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 I suspect he liked the girl physically. That doesn't go away because he has found you. Maybe he liked her even before he met you.
The fact that someone is "too young" is often not reason enough for people not to try their luck. I am not saying he will.
You're feeling devalued, but you shouldn't. Your value doesn't depend on what others stare at.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): Accept that your BF was not taught the 3 second rule by his Dad.
Accept that he is Human and will find others attractive but since he was not taught the 3 second rule, you discovered this weakness about him.
Accept that when you addressed it, he HEARD you and STOPPED.
Accept you are chosing to hold unto something and build onto it to the point its not only obsessive but destructive.
Accept you may now have to focus on forgiving and letting go of all the amount of energy and time you investing into making this matter to the point it is killing your love and relationship. Not Him, YOU.
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