A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of two and half years broke up with me the first week of December, and shortly after I started talking to new guy. For the first month, we just communicated via texts, but we really got to know each other and we were both starting to like one another. During the second month, we started to hang out on weekends (weekends only because we live about an hour apart). I would mainly drive to his place because he had his own place and he worked the odd Saturday so it was easier for me to see him. He took me out for dinner, told his friends and family about me, before one date was over he'd be planning the next, he told me that he really liked me, and he even gave me a key to his place. Things were moving really fast and I started to slowly develop feelings for him. But then he started acting more distant, and I wasn't sure why so I confronted him about it. He told me that he knew I was moving to his city in September, but felt like it’s too hard to have a relationship right now when we are living an hour apart. I was hurt because I've been in long distance relationships before, and I believe if you really like the person you make it work. I wasn't even looking for things to get serious right away, but I knew that I would get hurt if I were to casually date him for the next 7 months, so I told him I can't do it. Do you think I made the right decision? I haven't heard from him since and it’s been two days? I just felt stupid running there every weekend, when he had no intentions of making things serious for a while. He suggested that we build our friendship so we have something substantial to go on in September when I move closer and we can have a relationship, but I can't go from feeling like his girlfriend, to his friend, with the hopes that he will commit in September. I just felt like his excuse was a cop out. What do you guys think? Did he just get cold feet? Also, he tends to put relationships down a lot. He always talks about how much work they are, and how his friend so and so used to be cool, but now he's like married. Does he have commitment issues?
View related questions:
broke up, his ex, long distance, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I have to say I agree with Cerberus. However he looks at fro ma male perspective (of course) and we women don't always think like that.
I do think he is your rebound guy. Nothing wrong with rebounds, they are bound to happen sooner or later.
I can understand that you are trying to show him that you SERIOUSLY like him, but I think you are trying to "force" your ideas of what the two of you have, on him, which isn't fair at all. You have known him all of 2 months.
Getting to know a guy, taking your time, what is so bad about that? I think taking the time (7 months or more) to get to know a guy is a really good way to know if there is more to the two of you then rebound or LDR.
Not all guys are the same and certainly not relationship are either, so comparing your other LDR to this one isn't fair either.
Seems to me you are asking for all or nothing, but when you cornered him and he chose nothing, you got upset too.
Did you make the wrong choice? No, I don't think you made the wrong choice for YOU. You wanted a serious relationship, he wanted to take it more slowly and casual. Which means the two of you properly weren't the best of matches. He did send a lot of mixed signals. Giving you his key was one of them. That for most people signify a greater "commitment" or "invest" in a relationship.
But I DO think you need to need to remember that Rome wasn't build in one day. It took a whole lot of time and a whole lot of work.
And never ever compare oranges to apples it will only make you confused.
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (11 February 2011):
 To some extent I agree with Cerberus, but you know what, if its the right person for the guy he won't care if you just got out of a relationship yesterday. So thats a bit of an excuse if its about you 'potentially' being on a rebound.
I left an 8 year relationship that was horrible, a week later I met my boyfriend, 2.5 years later we're engaged.
For a guy, if he really likes you he won't care about when you last broke up, whether your invading his space or you're taking things too seriously. He likes you and wants to be with you as often as possible. End of story.
Again I think you did the right thing. Now dont' beat yourself up over it, go out with your friends tonight and have fun! laugh and enjoy life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Too hard to have a relationship but you are the one doing all the driving? You made the right decision, he didn't seem to keen afterall. I don't think he has commitment issues and just hasn't found the right relationship for him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Yeah it does sound that way but then again he could be afraid he's just a rebound. Plus LDR's while you may think they're fine are actually for most people not. Especially when you've only been going out for 2 months. You only broke up with your last guy 2 months ago.
Honestly I'd have a very hard time committing to you too because you're rebound territory and from the sounds of things you want this guy to take up where your ex left off.
Look at the language you use in your question, you're very, very serious, there is nothing casual about your tone at all and in all fairness you haven't seen each other that much, nor really know each other that well nor are you really together that long at all.
Things moved too fast and while you might like to think he isn't, he is a rebound. You're very attached to this guy that lives miles away and only see occasionally already, I'd say his family and friends have been warning him about that because it's dangerous territory for him to get into.
I believe you're coming on too strong and expecting too much. If a girl who doesn't even live near me started talking the way you are now (assuming I would actually date a rebound woman, which I wouldn't) after such a short time I'd run a mile too. It's been a few weeks and you're already making plans for september. Woah, hold your horses there.
he hasn't talked to you in 2 days and you're freaking out now questioning everything. This is far too intense sounding, how can expect a guy to commit in that kind of situation. I'm sorry but there's more than smell of desperate and needy from that.
I mean the way you speak about it, "been in LDR's before and if he really liked me", "i knew i would be hurt if it was only casual" so so serious, so heavy, so intense. wheres the fun of dating, wheres the joy in getting to know each other? Why does it have to be one or the other and why are you making future plans this soon and demanding so much from him?
You wanna know why? because it was too soon for you, you are a rebound girl plain and simple. You like to convince yourself you're not but look at how serious and long term you are about all this, look at how fast this has all gone. That's not normal at all, it's not normal to be this fast, intense or demanding so soon. Well it may be common but it's too much. You want a serious relationship to replace your last one so badly that you've skipped the fun part of dating and now are wondering what HIS problem is.
Now I may be completely wrong in my assessment anything is possible after all. But that's how it looks to me and if he were describing this kind of situation to me as a friend I'd tell him to back off. I actually have a friend in a similar situation and the girl is too much for him. She speaks in the same kind of language with the same tone as you used in your question. Very serious, very heavy why won't you commit, you mustn't really like me etc etc. No offence OP but what person wants to get mixed up in that kind of intensity so soon and to a person you barely see or have barely gotten to know who is now demanding an LDR and planning the next 7 months before they move closer to you.
OP where is the fun in that?
OP of course it was a cop out, he was copping out of the demands you made, he was copping out of your over serious and perhaps a little too dramatic attitude.
Please don't take offence, you want advice that helps that's what I'm trying to give you. Honestly OP dating is supposed to be fun, it's supposed to develop on its own, you're trying to control this too much and trying to force it to go the way you want. Is that really the kind of person you would want to continue to date?
Listen to what he has told you and read between the lines, he talks about his friend being cool but now it's like he was married, that sounds to me like your guy is already feeling trapped, he lives an hour away and he's already asking for space. He's basically just broken up with you and told you it's not going to work. We'll see what happens kind of thing.
OP take this time reflect on how this went, you're wondering what's wrong with him and completely ignoring your own actions here. You need to take some time out from dating. Get over your ex and get yourself back into the position where you can date casually again, where you can be easy going and relaxed, not trying to force things.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I had a very similar experience. I think this guy likes the chase...and when he knows he has you he isnt interested anymore. If he was interested in you and sincerly liked you, he would be excited for you to move to where he is and be with him. It seems rather obvious that he isnt that interested anymore as he hasnt contacted you in 2 days and doesnt want to be with you right now.
Just my opionion!!
Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (11 February 2011):
Bravo! I think you are a very very smart girl! So many women would take his excuse and rationalize it as 'he's scared of commitment' or 'he really wants to work on our friendship first'.Hello, "build your friendship" till September, hmm...why not build a relationship? Would that not guarantee that you'll be around in September, would that not build a stronger friendship if you were his girlfriend??Look, he is basically saying that he wants to have an open relationship/friendship with benefits. He wants to see other people until you move to his city and then MAYBE go from friends to more. Ultimately, it sounds like he doesn't want you as a girlfriend, but is open to a friends with benefits scenario...string you along till you move there in September and then MAYBE get together then. Maybe.Good for you for shooting that down! You did absolutely the right thing. Obviously you respect yourself and know what you want out of a man. Its unfortunate really, because it seems like he did all the right things really - introduce you to people, give you the house key, etc etc.However, can I point out a few things which may have spared your heart a little?1. You slept with him WAY too soon. I get that people have sex even on first dates, but if you want something serious you shouldn't go there with a guy. They like a challenge, it affects their reward center in the brain. The more they chase something they like, the more valuable it becomes and the more they love it once it becomes theirs. Wait till a guy is an emotional sappy baby proclaiming his love for you before you go there. You'll weed out the bad apples who have no intention of having you long term in their lives. Now by all means, if you want to just have fun and have sex, go for it. But not with guys that you hope to make long term boyfriends/husbands.2. I know he had his own place and sometimes worked saturdays, however the man is suppose to do the courting. He should have visited you and gone home the same day, slept on your couch or stayed at a hotel. Remember effort-reward, he needed to have worked for the relationship not been handed it on a silver platter. It was too easy with you visiting all the time. No chase, no effort. Occasionally you could have visited of course, but he should have been doing the courting.In all, I don't think he was the sweetest most well intending guy out there. Just consider it a rebound thing, it got your mind off of your ex. Next time someone really sparks your interest be open, answer phone calls, accept dates, but keep a wall up and allow the man to court you. Don't be an easy prize. A relationship with you is worth it, right ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, Hobbit22 +, writes (11 February 2011):
 I think if you guys actualy like each other as people, then arrange to stay in contact as friends. If You say you would not be able to do that, you may want to break it off then for your own emotional well being.
Long distance relationships that I have seen end up where one person moves to where the other is located in some fashion after much communication over phone or net and in between visits. But it felt right for those people.
If there is no effort on his part, then you have to let it go.
...............................
|
