A
female
age
51-59,
*egz
writes:My boyfriend of over a year still talks to all his ex-girlfriends, but some more than others. He has an ex in England that is obsessed with him and calls him at work (in Canada) and talks to him for hours while he is working. I have stressed I don’t like it and he says they are "just friends" and that he doesn’t speak to her all the time. I have also stressed to him that I don’t want him to speak about me or our relationship with her. He says he doesn’t but I have proof that he does and has. Then there’s the ex in New York who is engaged and has been for over 2 years...however...ANYTIME she calls or messages him and needs ANYTHING (i.e. money, products, help with something), he does it! Until recently, she actually had a credit card he gave her years ago and was still on his benefits at work...keeping in mind they have been broken up for 3yrs and she is engaged. Then there’s his best friend (girl) who he also works with. She was rude to me on Facebook for no reason. He shut down his wall on Facebook. Now he gets off the phone with me (while at work) if this girl comes around him at work. I confronted him about the fact he gets off the phone with me when she comes around. He said he only did that once, but I have proof it’s been often.This man is with me 5 out of 7 days a week ...treats me like gold, but is one of those guys who doesn’t express himself very well. I trust that he is not cheating physically with any of these women, but it seems he has this whole other world of relationships outside of me. By the way, I have met the one from New York...she has moved on. Am I being ridiculously jealous or are my feelings valid?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): You're concerns are valid. Your issue is not him talking to members of the opposite sex, but the extent to which he talks to them and where you fit in in all this. Don't waste time analyzing his personality type, his childhood or convincing him to see a therapist. Let him do his own naval gazing. The bottom line is he is not a stand up guy and if he keeps this up he won't be an employed guy either.There is too big a payoff in all the attention he gets from other women for him to just give it up. Ultimately people will treat you the way you allow them to. If they enjoy being with you and are expected to act appropriately to continue being with you, they will.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Hi
I think it depends on you...but he is quite open and did not hide them. The more you mistrust him the more he will hide...( you admit to KNOWING certain things) but it all depends on what you can put up with...i am not saying it is right or wrong...some people have many friends. It's down to how it makes you feel. For example my partner is good friends with my x ...he pops in and visit's us both as friends and confides in us both about things....and jealousy never enters. His girlfriend has been invited around and rejects invites...i respect her feelings however we all agreed not to sever perfectly good friendships because of insecurities that need not exist...
I also went to meet my partners x wife and all is well with us. Do you think it at all possible to make friends with these other friends of his,keep everything open and honest no secrets and control.....always face fears don't hide or runaway from them ...and the IMAGE fades away and is replaced with the truth....good or bad.
good luck
spunky monkey
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (11 February 2011):
 What your boyfriend is doing is called triangulation. He more than likely feels compelled to keep these exes in his life because he can't get sexually turned on otherwise, it is a hold over from his dysfunctional family dynamics as a child...he is afraid of real intimacy with you which makes him emotionally unavailable, hence the "he doesn't communicate" aspects of your relationship with him.
I think it is very pathological personally, and I wouldn't like it at all. There is probably nothing really wrong with having a "friend" from work, but if they carry it to extremes of contact, it isn't normal, it isn't healthy. I don't even talk to my same sex friends every frickin' day of my life...but then I'm a grown up.
I think you need to finally set a boundary here, which is going to be very hard to do since you've been putting up with this for years. If he won't eliminate all these chicks from his life, then I would let him know you are going to exit the relationship.
He isn't going to change, and if he refuses that really is an indication you are dealing with a psychopathic person and there are a lot more issues and surprises in store for you.
Suggest to him that he goes to see a therapist even, that you think he has some sort of inability to have an intimate relationship with one person and that isn't normal. Of course our society is all about looking out for number one, being narcissistic and a person such as this will accuse you of being controlling and sick yourself, but you are not opposed to him speaking to the opposite sex, just women that he has been in a relationship with, in bed with and won't respect that he is now with you. Those are all valid concerns.
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A
female
reader, legz +, writes (11 February 2011):
legz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should add that the bestfriend(thats not what he calls her..i do) is married with children and my bf and her have never been together. However she calls him everyday many many times a day. and that was when she was off on maternity leave...now shes back at work and its worse. (they work together) I have confronted him about how i feel about his exes and best friend relationships and he feels he is doing nothing wrong they are all "Just Friends". My thoughts are the one in England feeds his EGO (20yrs worth), the one in New York ..(he was very in Love with her) she's actually playin the game right...she is engaged but still has my man doin stuff for her!!!!! and the bestfriend? well not too sure what to make of that situation? I am normally not a jealous person but my spidey senses are goin off all over the place.
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A
female
reader, fellforit +, writes (11 February 2011):
I just caught my husband having a facebook/online/text/phone affair with his ex. We've been together for almost 15 years. They were together less than a year. You aren't being ridiculous. The thing about an ex is that there was an attraction there at some point, and those usually don't die. Tell him to pick - them or you, and if he says "them", then move on. After all, is this how you want to spend your life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I would say it's nice that he can stay friends with exs. But maybe he takes it to extremes. I think that it is very much in his personality to be like this, so to a certain extent you get him as he is. If there is no risk of these contacts turning into anything more, I would accept it as being the way he is. It is unlikely that you will get him to drop these friends totally, so try and go with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): No, I agree you are not being stupid. He needs to understand he is still having an emotional affair with these women and it upsets you. Is he really the one for you if he cannot give up his exes - sounds like he loves the attention too much that they give him!!! Confront him and tell him it gets to you and you are jealous, why not.
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