A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:what could the reason be for my wife not want to talk about her sexual past before we got married ? she shuts the subject down cold, the thing that bothers me is the one thing she said- i don,t remember how many there was, there was not that many. this troubles me.
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female
reader, blondie1961  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 I agree with the anoymous male who said "People who aren't ashamed of things usually don't mind talking about them". That's true. I am ashamed of my sexual past and will not talk about it because I am so ashamed of it. Maybe that's how it is with your wife. I asked my partner about his sexual past, he talked. I asked more, he talked more and on and on that went. I don't know why he was not ashamed of his sexual past, but now his sexual past haunts me most days. I am left with the struggle of trying to move on from his past.
The little she has said to you troubles you, try not to risk any more x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): People who aren't ashamed of things usually don't mind talking about them.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 June 2011):
 It would appear that your wife is a lady with style and class and therefore she tactfully closes down on what is her business only, completely private, and no one elses's business but her own. She finds it ill-bred and demeaning for anyone to think they have the right to ask. I am with your wife on this. If I wanted to raise it I would. Except I would not raise it.
Her values and attitudes are not yours. Please show your wife the respect she deserves as your wife. It is exceedingly Tacky to raise it. .
By never raising the subject again.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 June 2011):
 She's not telling because she thinks that it would cause you to stop liking her. There are probably a fair number of sordid bits she'd rather not tell, but that she does not think she could easily lie about. Or she'd rather not say anything than lie.
Maybe she cheated a few times, or has a really high number. Maybe she went through a bad-boy phase. Maybe it was someone you know. The appropriate time to let this stuff bother you was before you married her and vowed to be with her. Maybe it would have been important to know, but now you've just got to work with what you've got.
Funny thing about not knowing is that we always imagine something worse than we can handle. Her past may be well within your tolerance, or it may be worse than you imagined. But whatever you're imagining is not based on evidence, it's based on fear. I'd be the first to advocate using a woman's romantic and sexual history as a way of predicting her future behavior, but letting your imagination run wild is a quick path to bad decisions.
Since you've married her, stop worrying about what you don't know and take into consideration what you do know. Use the evidence you can verify - does she routinely tell the truth about most things? Is she able to delay gratification when it would be prudent to do so? Is your sex life good? Does she get along with your friends and family? Sexual history is important, but it's only one part of the puzzle that is a woman's wife potential. Take the pieces you have and act accordingly.
If everything else you have suggests she is good wife material, the best path is to be at peace with your feelings and put your whole self into the marriage. If not, make the best of things. Advise the younger men in your life to ask their questions before making promises, but don't go back on your own vows because you didn't. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Because it is the past. She can't change it. If your wife, your marriage and sex life are fine, then don't ask, and don't care about it.If they are not, then get counseling help and you may need to find out, and she may need to talk.Her first partner may have been her father, a brother, an uncle, the father of her best female friend.She may have had 1 partner, who she loved, who she didn't have sex with, but when she decided to break up with because of incompatibility issues he dragged her onto a bed and raped her repeatedly, then let her go saying "nobody will ever believe you".She may have had 500 partners, none of whom she loved, trying to get over one person she loved who betrayed her.She may have had 3 before, who she loved, but none of whom loved her, and she genuinely can't remember if it was 3, or 5, or 6.Memory is a very interesting thing, some people wall things off, wall them off very well, others don't.Again, if your wife, your marriage and sex life are fine, then don't ask, and don't care about it. If they aren't, then you need professional counseling help, because you may find out stuff you don't have the skills to handle.Mine wasn't, she wouldn't talk, I wasn't asking numbers.What did I hear? (yes, we needed a professional to help)Molestation - Extended Family Member - First sexual experienceForcible Rape - second sexual experienceFirst Consenting Sexual Experience - Rejection by first lover "you are nothing special"Multiple rapesOver 200 sexual partners - way past the point of losing countNumerous random sexual encountersMultiple emotionally, physically and sexually abusive longer term relationshipsThen, there was me, something really different, unexpected, kind, loving, etc.How do you tell me all about that stuff?Again, if your wife, your marriage and sex life are fine, then don't ask, and don't care about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): You already know the answer. She has many skeletons in her closet
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Before going any farther let me say that this should have been dealt with long before you got married. Preferably when you first started dating the woman.
(Some people would object to a man asking a woman about her past early in the dating stage. But if you wait until things are serious then the same people will bitch at you even more for having a problem with someone's past when things are serious. These kinds of advisors aren't offering a solution, they are just picking on you for having any feelings about sexual histories at all.)
We can speculate all day long but the bottom line is that your wife does not want to talk about it. It is her right not to talk about it if that's what she wants.
You have the right to feel however you feel with the information you have been given. If she won't tell you very much but what she does tell you sounds unacceptable to you, then you can leave her over it.
If you are not going to leave her over it then you only have one choice - accept her completely and don't make an issue of it.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (17 June 2011):
The reason she won't ask about it is because it's none of your damn' business. You're in your 50s- what is this, high school where you worry about someone's 'reputation'? If you want to be with her, what happened or didn't happen with other men before she was aware of your existance is not relevant, and if it's any consolation, that goes for your past too, with other women.
The past can't be changed, the future is yet to be written, so the present moment is all that's available. As Lord Rochester wrote in the 1600s,
ALL my past life is mine no more;
The flying hours are gone,
Like transitory dreams given o'er,
Whose images are kept in store
By memory alone.
The time that is to come is not;
How can it then be mine?
The present moment 's all my lot;
And that, as fast as it is got,
Phyllis, is only thine.
Then talk not of inconstancy,
False hearts, and broken vows;
If I by miracle can be
This live-long minute true to thee,
'Tis all that Heaven allows.
Enjoy your time with her, and make sure she enjoys it too.
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