A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents don't pay any attention to me. When they're talking to someone else about me, they talk like I'm such a great child, always talk about how well I do in school, etc. But when I'm with them it's completely different.They hardly ever talk to me, and when they do, it's only to yell at me or tell me to do something or tell me what they're doing. I can't remember the last "positive" conversation we had or the last time we talked to each other without getting into an argument. I listen to my friends talk to their parents about what they did that day and what's going on with them and the problems they're having, and I just don't understand how they can do that. If I try to talk to my parents about anything, they just say "Oh" or "Okay" and then ignore me.My dad's the worst. He gets mad at me for everything. If he asks me something and I answer him, he always starts yelling because he says that I talked to him with an attitude, when I didn't. Sometimes I do, obviously, but certainly not all the time. He always tells me how disrespectful I am and he's told me a few times that he wants me to move in with my sister. I really wish I could have a normal conversation with him without it turning into a fight over nothing.The only thing they pay attention to is my schoolwork. They love how well I do in school and very, very occasionally will go to some academic event that I have, but they couldn't care less about anything else that I do and enjoy. They don't go to my tennis matches, horse shows, craft fairs, won't even drive me to my friends' houses. (My friends always laugh at the fact that they've never even seen my parents...) I want them to care that I do have hobbies and activities other than school that I care about, but they don't. Even when I was little, they never went to my softball games or choir shows or anything. I've always had to get rides to wherever I'm going and back home. They even tell me that they want me to quit tennis and horseback riding because "it's too much trouble" - when it has nothing to do with them, because again, they don't have to give me rides or pay for it and they don't get involved in it.They also treat me and talk to me like I'm 5 in general, and it's just extremely irritating.Hopefully I'll be able to go away for college next year, but I really want out of this house and to be away from them now. Until I can leave, what can I do to make this situation more bearable? I highly doubt that either of them will change. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): I don't normally post on here but your post resonates with me. I've pretty much grown up with parents like that. I'm still living with my parents but the arguments have gotten more frequent and so bad over the years that neither of my parents haven't spoken to me for months now. Trust me, I'm not even a bad kid. I'm very much like you - was an A student, landed a great job, helped them out, did everything they ask from me etc. - even my own older siblings don't understand why they act this way with me. but it just seems that my parents just want to focus on the negative or provoking a fight for no apparent reason.
You either have two options:
1) Talk to them about your feelings and how you want them to be more invested in your life. I don't know if you ever tried before in the past but it doesn't hurt anything if you do it again.
or
2) You said it yourself... they won't change. My parents won't ever change, it's like beating a dead horse. I know you may not want to hear this because obviously it hurts, but it sounds like you have to lower your expectations with your parents and realize that they won't ever be there to fulfill that emotional need for you. Just try to keep building yourself up (which you've done a great job by the way by being independent and self-reliant) and not to care anymore. Don't invest your time in something that you know isn't going to change or you don't see there will any worthwhile outcome to it.
There isn't a manual for parenting and some parents just don't know what it takes to be one. Please don't beat yourself up for the way your parents treat you. I know I have suffered years thinking what was wrong with me, why am I not good enough, why do I keep getting in trouble for no reason??? But then I've came to the realization that it wasn't me, it was them. I don't think I ever felt any kind of emotional support from my parents... especially from my mother. If you have siblings, an extended family support or friend circle, I hope you can talk to them. That's pretty much what I relied on for years and I'm still here...lol.
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