A
male
age
,
*arold154
writes:Hi I am a 52 year old man who has been in love with a female friend for 20 yrs I have helped her through many rough times. she does know how I feel but says she doesn't know why she won't give me a chance I know I would make her and her Childrens life better I just need a chance what should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2016):
 I’d advise you to cut off contact with her. If she’s been relying on you financially and emotionally for 20 years then she’s a master emotional manipulator, a user or a hopeless individual who will never learn from her mistakes.
If you’ve been giving financial and emotional support to a woman for 20 years, who knows how you feel about her and has told you she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, then you are fighting for a lost cause.
The best thing you can do for her is to leave her to learn her own life survival lessons.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to free yourself to find that next love interest, the woman who has been waiting for you to wake up and who will share your joy and enthusiasm.
Why won’t this particular woman choose you? Well, I guess she doesn’t see you as a mate. If you need it stated more plainly than that: you are not ever going to be her boyfriend or husband.
Twenty years in? Just imagine if you’d made the healthy choice to cut contact a few years ago. You’d be free of this unrequited love and well on your way to healing. You might even have found the right woman!
Continuing on this path leads to nothing but continued disappointment.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 November 2016):
 Like the others have pointed out, you can't convince her to be romantically attracted to you any more than you can use logic to get someone to like chocolate ice cream or the colour green. They either like it or they don't and she doesn't. Not in the way you want her to.And as Cindy points out giving you a chance requires her to be physically intimate with you. Try kissing, fondling, and having intercourse with someone you're not interested in. It feels like a violation. You want her to endure that for you for YOUR sake, not for hers. She doesn't owe you a chance.All your help and support over the years was not out of love. It was manipulation. You did it because you wanted something in return. Accept that 'no' means 'NO' and stop harassing this woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): My guess is there is no romantic attraction on her part. For we women to even consider a man for a relationship, we must be sexually attracted to him. It seems that she is not attracted to you in that way. But still likes you as a person and a friend. I have a male friend who is trying his hardest to impress me. And as much as I think he is a nice guy and I am grateful to him for helping me out, nothing he can ever do will make me want to date him. I feel zero attraction to him. Sometimes we just know there is none. And we know that none will develop in time either. I mean, sometimes an attraction does develop over time. But she has had 20 years.Sorry, but it will just keep going the same way. How long can you keep doing this to yourself?I am really sorry. My heart goes out to you. I understand the pain of unrequited love. It is the worst of them all. :(
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 November 2016):
 Your story really pulled at my heart strings. Twenty years is a long time to want someone, it must be just pure agony for you, waiting and wondering will you ever get the woman that you love. I don't think I could handle that for 20 days let alone 20 years.
All I can say is if she has not give you a chance in that time then it is very doubtful she ever will. It seems that she sees you as a dear friend and nothing more. Now the question is, is it enough for you? Is friendship enough or is it going to be difficult for you? You need to be honest with yourself and accept you both want different things.
You deserve happiness and you deserve to find a woman who loves you back. Maybe someday you will find that special lady once you have accepted that things with your friend is never going to happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): You say 20 years, and nothing has changed? She still considers you just a friend?
Then let it be just that, friendship. Stop supporting her and her children. Trying to buy love is foolish, and you're mature enough to know better than that.
You have focused a quarter of a lifetime trying to make someone love you who doesn't; while letting every other opportunity pass you by.
Gosh, you're really stubborn. Yet, what has it profited you? A woman who is just taking advantage of your time and financial-support. All the while enjoying everything someone who loves you should be receiving.
My dear sir, it is time to see it for what it is. She does not love you romantically. You've been persistent in your pursuit and you're still at it; because you can't take no for an answer. She is now an obsession. Holding your feelings hostage, while you grow older and older.
I say, take a break. Cut all ties with her, until you overcome your love-addiction to her. If she was a real friend and a sincere person, she would not have taken advantage of your affections. Nor allowed you to invest your feelings and money in helping her with her troubled life.
You are her sugar-daddy, and that downgrades your relationship to this woman. I know it has been your choice, but you are suffering for it. You are still alone, and heaven only knows how many good prospects you have missed. Women doing everything they can to get your attention and trying to let you know they want to care for you; if only you've noticed. Only to be ignored and rejected.
My good man, you're not a love-struck boy anymore. You have a lot to give, and you're pouring it all down an empty well.
Leave her. Lock, stock, and barrel. No more contact, no more pity-cash, no more gifts, and no more pain. Don't use her kids as an excuse. They're not yours. She has taught them to like you for what you offer, not for yourself. Put your wallet away, and see how much they really like you.
Going cold-turkey to shake a love-addiction is gut-wrenching. Same as withdrawal from an addictive drug. When you come out on the other side; your lungs will fill with the air of freedom, and you will feel like you just broke out of jail! You'll also start to notice all those lovely women who were wondering why a nice fellow like you is still all alone? Because you've been trapped in a faux-marriage. Indentured to taking care of a family who only needed your charity, but didn't repay you with the kind of love you really want and deserve.
Life is too short to waste on foolishness and obsessions; unless those pursuits reward you with what you're after.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2016):
 Because she just does not like you in THAT way, she just cannot see you in the guise of a lover. It's not to be mean to you , she just does not feel it and she cannot force herself just to be nice .
" Give me a chance " is easier said than done, in this case giving you a chance implies kissing you and touching you and having sex with you etc.etc, and if she can't she can't.
Twenty years ? Sorry, OP, this is a pipe dream, it's not going to happen. As the other ladies say, your best bet is moving on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2016):
 I'm with Auntie Bim Bim
It's been 20 years and NOTHING has come of it. SHE sees you as a friend, a GOOD friend only. I think it would be unfair of her to date you if she doesn't have romantic feelings for you and it seems like she doesn't.
I also agree that distancing yourself from her might be the BEST thing for you. No one contact.
It happens that we have a crush or grow feelings for a person who DOESN'T reciprocate them. Not out fault, not THEIR fault either. Except if she has known for YEARS that you were into her, and she STILL let you help her because it was convenient. I'd feel like she took advantage of your crush.
I think you need to look elsewhere if you are looking for a lady to date. She isn't it.
Don't you feel like you DESERVE to have a woman want you back as much as you want her? So let his one go. Take a good long break from the "friendship" and see what else is out there.
And Harold, you can't MAKE her grow feelings for you by being helpful and supportive. If she isn't feeling chemistry or a deeper connection, then she DOESN'T feel that.
Doing nice things for people shouldn't come with strings.
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (10 November 2016):
It depends if she see this purely as friends .. have you agreed to being friends .. I honestly can't be doing with people who use friendship to get a relationship that isn't how a friendship works .. I also think it would be nasty to withdraw support because she only see you as a friend .. I agree that maybe you need to take a step back .. I also think you need to realise that this lady may have deep affection for you but not the kind that sustains a relationship .
You use the term female friend .. that doesn't give you rights into her bed etc .. friendship is a two way thing .. and shouldn't be hastily flung out the window because you want more ..
Start dating .. I wouldn't withdraw my friendship as I wouldn't have been friends with someone on a pretence ..
Stopping physically seeing her for a while get your emotions under control .. start dating as a friend she has no right to tell you not too .. she there to support you as you are her .. keep in touch by text and phone until your able to see her again.
20 years of friendship is a long time .. as long as she hasn't been leading you on .. I would say you totally knew where you stood and shouldn't have let your emotions cross the line .
I would be devastated if someone I knew for that period of time .. totally withdrew and I felt we were firm friends.. I would feel lied to ..deceived and angry .. that they had a second agenda to mine .
So think carefully .. she doesn't want anymore than the friendship .. you know that for how long I don't know .. was it made clear at the beginning ??
Start dating ..you can find someone who does want you that way .. doesn't mean the friendship has to cease ..
Pull back a little .. But still be you .. get your emotions in check . Our hearts have the capacity to love .. maybe differently than how you feel for your friend but will allowing yourself to love someone else ..those feelings will abate ..and you may even say gee what was I thinking .
Take care chin up .
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (10 November 2016):
It depends if she see this purely as friends .. have you agreed to being friends .. I honestly can't be doing with people who use friendship to get a relationship that isn't how a friendship works .. I also think it would be nasty to withdraw support because she only see you as a friend .. I agree that maybe you need to take a step back
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 November 2016):
 Harold, 20 years you have been waiting, I think its time to accept she is never going to give you what you want ...
Somewhere out there is a woman who is looking for what you have to offer, surely after 20 years of waiting you deserve some happiness.
Go cold turkey, tell your friend you know she isn't going to give you a chance, and you have waited 20 years but will wait no more. Then take yourself out of her life, don't phone her, don't visit her, don't email or facebook her.
Fill the space he absence will leave with other things, maybe do some volunteering or take some short courses, join a club, join a singles activities club, start getting some happiness back into your life that doesn't rely on your friend.
In the meantime she might decide she misses you ... and that's okay, but if you let her back into your life make sure she realises its all or nothing. Don't revert back to the nothingness you currently have
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