A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am married and have been for 10 years. I have three beautiful children that I love more than anything. I stay home to care for them, as one of them is too young for school. Here is my dilemma. I am not in love with my husband. I haven't been for years. We have absolutely nothing in common. We can't even have a discussion without getting into a major disagreement or argument. We disagree on pretty much every major topic. Raising children, religion, politics. We don't talk. We have nothing to talk about. He has changed so much through our marriage, he is literally not the man I married. Just over three years ago I met another man. We have so much in common it's crazy. We can talk for hours on end and even if we have different points of view, we respect each other's opinions. (my husband has told me I don't know any better when I disagree with him) I have fallen in love with this other man and want to be with him more than anything. To be clear, we have not been physically intimate with each other in any way. No kissing, no sex.I have wanted to divorce my husband for years, but here is the problem. I don't work. I have no income. He makes all the money (and it's very very good money). I appreciate all his hard work to provide for me and our children and I don't for one second take that for granted.And before anyone says, well go get a job and support yourself. Even if I were to get a job, it could only be part time. And if I got a job, I would have to put my youngest in daycare. And that would be most, if not all of any money I make. There would be nothing left for food, bills and my kid's expenses. I know that my husband would have to pay child support, but I am thinking that because he will be very angry (he has an incredible anger problem) he will hide his money to make it seem like he doesn't make that much. He works for himself, so that is very easy to do. I cannot risk losing my kids because I can't support them on my own. And there is no way he could even watch them without help, because he works 7 days a week. He barely helps with the kids as is.I don't know what to do. My parents don't live in the same country, so moving in with them temporarily isn't an option.I know it's not fair to my husband to be living this lie and I want to remedy this situation. But I just don't see how it's possible. And before anyone says, if you don't love him why did you have three children with him, I have tried my hardest to make this work. I have tried to have a positive attitude in hopes that things would turn around. But it just isn't. My heart belongs to another now, and I want out. But I don't see a way. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986  +, writes (14 November 2016):
Honey can I be honest with you on this topic? I don't think you should start up something with the man you met while you're married to your husband still. It is very wrong to be cheating around with the man you say you have everything in common with him. I think you should wait until you and your husband split up first before you start something with the man you are seeing. And it could destroy the marriage if your husband found out about the affair and it could hurt your kids too
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 November 2016):
 As a mother, you can't jump from one man to another and you shouldn't have an affair (though nobody should) - imagine if it was your child being cheated on.... would it ever be acceptable?
If you've tried with him, get yourself a job and start saving up to move out with your kids. He should also not be physical with your kids - that's not okay.
Call women's charities around you and explain the situation. You will get no compassion if you're still having an affair, so that needs to stop now. This is your journey with your kids, not with your affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2016): You are no villain. I read your update post. I fear your husband is being emotionally abusive. The fact he physically assaults your children would be the deal breaker for me. This guy is not interested in your relationship hes made that clear. You have a marriage based on convenience and yet the pain is far from it. Whether this other man is right or not is irrelevant. Make a plan. Set up your own secret account. Find a way and get out of there. Life is too short.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 November 2016):
 I think because you have met this other man and you think the grass is greener that you will do anything to be with him and leave your husband. My guess is that if this other man was not involved you would make more off an effort in your marriage. For pity sake your husband works seven days a week to keep you and the children with a roof over your head and food in your bellies. Off course he hardly helps because well he is providing solely for you all. All the while you are twindling your hair and talking to another man.
My advice is to cut the other man out off your life. Stop blaming your husband for changing and accept that you both have probably have changed, more so you when you started having an emotional affair. Stop being selfish and thinking about yourself. Get rid off this other man and make an effort with your husband and your children as a family. Organise a babysitter surprise your husband with a weekend away, buy some new underwear try add some spice and make an effort. Remember he is out working hard all day, suggest you get a part time job and work around his hours if money is tight. If it is not then make sure you treat him well when he is at home, cooked dinners, back rubs, romance, candle lite drinks. Main thing is talk to each other, tell him how you are feeling. Don't end a marriage until you have tried. It is not just a silly bit of paper it is a legal bond, something that should be worked harder at and not just thrown away as soon as another man sets eyes on you. Think off your children, think of your husband and make an effort. But then first before your bit on the side.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): Really really heart breaking situation. I really feel sorry for you but listen dear poster there is no solution other than having to sacrifise for the sake of your children. You have to kill this love feelings and bear your burden and be patient for the sake of your kids. that is what decent and compassionate mothers do. Fill the void and pain you feel by listening to sad love,poetry,reading romantic stories and do things you like to occupy your thoughts. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): Firstly I would try counseling with your husband. You must have loved each other when you got married so there is every possibility you could learn to love each other again with some help to overcome your differences. If you are determined to leave him then you will have to financially support yourself which means you will have to get a job. If you get a job now while you are still living with your husband at least you can build up your experience and increase the odds of getting a higher salary when your kids are old enough to go to school. You could start putting a little bit aside each month in preparation for when you leave. By conducting an affair you are not being fair to your husband. You should end this affair or leave your husband so that he can also move on with his life.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (10 November 2016):
Be very sure that your marriage cannot be saved. Because what you do to your husband can very easily be done right back to you.
There is a very true saying...Come and visit me and come and live with me, are two very different things.
You are not living with the new guy...so you have no idea what he will like behind closed doors. Plus, he knows you are married and is okay with having you still. Think he can't do it you again?
Make sure than when you leave, there is no blame that can be put on you for your failed married. Because most times we see our partner's faults, but do not see our own, until after you leave. Then regret sets in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): I haven't changed the way he has. I am still a Christian. I still believe the earth is round (he now thinks it's flat). I don't believe NASA is a scam and the space station is actually underwater and no one has been to space. I still believe that earth is not the only planet in the solar system. I don't believe everything is a conspiracy (9/11, Paul walkers death, the world is run by 9 families). I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But these things are virtually the only things he talks about and because I disagree I "don't know any better" and I'm "plugged into the matrix". I have tried to fix things. I suggested therapy and he said no. I express my opinions and he shuts me down and gets mad that I don't agree with him. My kids don't like him very much. He gets physical with them. You're right, I am very capable of getting a job. And no I didn't marry him for his money. We met at 18. He didn't start making good money until this year. And yes, I am staying for the financial security. For my children. So stop making me out to be such a villain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): You need to make a choice.Which man do you want to be with?Take the risk with the new man or stay with your husband and cut contact with that man. You cannot keep living this way. It is not fair to your husband or your kids to continue this sham of a marriage. It isn't fair to the other guy either. And it becomes very difficult to maintain two relationships without your husband eventually finding out on his own. The fallout will be ten times worse if that happens. Usually it does. People in affairs do become careless.You have resigned yourself to having absolutely no choices but YOU DO. Yes, your husband is the major bread winner. And obviously you enjoy the comfort and security your marriage - or more like your husband - offers you. So many people, you are not the first nor the last, give up and stay in loveless marriages out of duty or obligation or even fear. Fear is a great deterrent to doing anything. It stops you dead in your tracks from taking risks. But you have to determine what is most important to you and if it is worth taking the risk. If this man is worth taking the risk for, then do it. Only you know the answer. And do not use fear as a crutch. When we want something, we make it happen. So, if you are serious about being with this new man and are truly done with your marriage, you need to put a plan in place. You need to think about how you will get out. And this may take a little time. But you need to be logical and practical and have confidence that you can do whatever you choose. And also, let me say that you need to do this regardless of whether is another man waiting for you with open arms. Do it for yourself. Your family. If you are not happy in a marriage, you are not obligated to stay. And don't be afraid. It is not as hard as it seems. I left my husband too. At first it was tough. I had no job either. I have a son with a disability. But I did it. You find a job. You find daycare. It is amazing what you find if you are seeking. And trying hard. If you sit there wallowing and pitying yourself and being hopeless, then that is what you will be. And in a loveless marriage you shall remain. Change your thinking. Then put those thoughts into action.I would see a lawyer. Look up legal aid in your area. You might be surprised as to how much your husband would be ordered by courts to compensate you for child support. You have three and have been married 10 years. I also advise if you go this route, make sure you leave him BEFORE he discovers your affair. I can tell you that if he DOES, he will fight you every step of the way. So it is better to leave on even footing. He might be hurt and upset but he will not have a leg to stand on when you are asking for spousal and child support. Either way, the law is the law and you are entitled to spousal and child support. No matter how upset he gets or how high he kicks his feet or causes a fuss, if his ordered to pay, he needs to pay. Or his wages are garnished. So, think about that. If you get yourself a decent job and have his spousal and child support payments, you might be in better shape than you think. But get advice from a lawyer now. Find out your rights. This could be a huge relief for you and be the encouragement you need to get a plan started.Good luck. Remember you have more power than you think to change your life. It all starts in your own mind. You tell yourself: YES, I CAN AND I WILL DO THIS!
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (10 November 2016):
 I think there is something to take away from Fatherly Advice's advice.
You say you have nothing in common with your husband and all you do is argue, but I dont see that he is abusing you or neglecting his family (he is providing money and wealth and security).
You state you have everything in common with the other man, but you havent even made love or kissed, how do you even know he can give you what you seek? Emotional affairs may be extremely artificial and the fact that we dont even know if theres physical compatibility or sexual compatibility , youre walking on fire. And you want to leave, but there is no mention that the man youre having an affair can provider for you or LOVE your children OR that he has mentioned he will commit to you.
Stop thinking about yourself right this second. And think about your kids and what they want. You deserve happiness but Id say leave your husband because YOU WANT TO. Because you seek to live independently from and grow individually. Because you seek to give your children a loving home where both parents are not always arguing and in disagreement. BUT if you are leaving your husband (your children's father remember) for another man and bringing 3 kids with you---watch out honey.
1) Youre wealthy husband may fight to death to keep his money. He will hire a great lawyer and maybe even get FULL custody of your kids.
1) The other man you love may be wonderful but to live, sleep, eat and make love, breathe next to him is a different story. Youre may very well be living in a fantasy because youre not working and seeking to cope by having an emotional affair because youre husband is A) always working and B) you dont have a worklife to keep you busy.
You did not mention how your children views their fathers but if they love him, they may resent you for leaving their father for another man. Remember if they grew up secure and were moved into a home with unfamiliar man and unsecure situation, behavior problems will spring up.
End the affair and work on your marriage. Seek counseling. Or end the marriage BECAUSE you want to grow individually, and this means getting a JOB regardless. There are no guarantees in life that things will go our way, but if we work hard it can happen. If you work hard to make things work, it can. Or you can end the marriage and work extra harder to become a income provider for your children. Stay realistic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): You say you and your husband have been out of it for years now. Yet you brought three children into your situation.
For the record, children are not a cure for unhappy marriages. They become victims to the collateral-damage and dysfunction.
Your post gives a long description of your unhappy marriage and you explain your disconnection with your husband; whom you claim to be the one that has done all the changing in your relationship. My dear, I am certain that if you are as unhappy as you say you've been, you've changed too. I am quite sure he can see the difference in who you are. Most of the unhappiness in marriages get blamed on the husband.
It's pretty common. Once the whole situation is examined, both sides can share the blame.
It might be safe to speculate you married your husband because you knew he had good earning potential and you were seeking comfort and financial-security. Oh, it would justify a few comments to paint a bad picture of who he is; but you contradict everything when you use the time he's away to conduct an affair behind his back. Only remaining with him for the convenience. Living a lie because it was your choice not to get job experience and learn to support yourself.
In time, affairs get exposed. Not only does the cheated spouse get hurt, but the poor children in a broken-marriage get pushed and pulled around like pawns. Custody battles ensue out of anger, a reaction to betrayal, and kids are treated like property to be fought over.
Your heart can go wherever it pleases, but the marriage license and all your legal identity links you to the man you married. So a divorce is your best option.
What other advice do you think you'd receive when you've ruled-out leaving your husband, yet you're having an affair with another man? Even if there has been no sex thus far; if it is a romantic-affair, there will be. It's still cheating. All the other lines have been crossed making way for sex. That's what most secret liaisons lead to.
You claim there has been no intimate contact of any kind. Then wouldn't that just make the man a friend? I don't know of people being so in-love with someone else yet they haven't crossed that line. So we'll accept that on your word.
Divorce is inevitable because you don't get along. Resentment builds when people feel trapped, and there is a normal human-response when we do. We lash out, we gasp for air, and struggle to get free. You'll get sloppy when you're angry with your husband.
Subconsciously, ambiguous statements will slip giving him clues. Like calling him by the other guy's name, and you'll want him to know he can be replaced. Oh, the truth will come to light; because the truth will out itself.
As far as child-support is concerned; if he makes the kind of money you claim, he has no reason not to see to the welfare of his own offspring. It's his wife who isn't happy and he doesn't get to tell his side here. He is portrayed as mean and disagreeable; yet during all this, children have been brought into the situation. You make it sound like you're serving a prison sentence.
This is called karma. It is what happens in a marriage of convenience. When things get bad enough, you'll opt for divorce; and you'll deal with everything you're trying to avoid. It's inevitable, because you don't love him.
As soon as the youngest is old enough for school, get a job; or attend a trade-school to develop job-skills. Unless your husband is a total tyrant, which I doubt, bring it to his attention the marriage is in trouble. Tell him why. If you've the nerve to turn to another man for comfort, tap into that same source of strength to let the guy you've exchanged vows with know that you need to find-out what went wrong with the marriage. Sounds more like bored "house-spouse syndrome" than anything. You need more purpose than just caring for your children.
Ten to one, he knows the marriage is in trouble anyway.
How exactly have you tried to make it work? I'm curious to know. Just by being submissive and staying in it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): Sorry, I may sound harsh. Once live for 1 month with out having any benefits from your husband, no roof over head, no food in front of you, no phone which you use for your lover with your husband money. Then you will know what is life , what is love. You are living in fantasy thinking love is like in movies,respect your husband hard work for family by working:7 days a week, that is some form of love expression.you will never ever get this life with your so called lover. Try work on your marriage as there is no abuse involved. You just need to reignite things between you and husband. Stop the affair, think with brain.keep your self busy with some hobbies not with affairs
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2016): Fatherly Advice - you couldn't be further from the truth if you tried. I don't appreciate you twisting and adding to my words.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 November 2016):
 UBST translation of original post.
I am married and have been for 10 years, But only Faithful for half that time. I have three beautiful children that I love more than anything except my own lusts and ego. I stay home to care for them, When I am not busy conducting my affair, as one of them is too young for school. Here is my dilemma. I am not in love with my husband. I haven't been for years. We have absolutely nothing in common, except three children, a home, and his income. We can't even have a discussion without getting into a major disagreement or argument. We disagree on pretty much every major topic. Raising children, religion, politics. We don't talk. We have nothing to talk about. Since my affair started my opinion of him has changed so much, my feelings for him are literally not the same as when I married him.
Just over three years ago I met another man. We have so much in common it's crazy. We can talk for hours on end and even if we have different points of view, we respect each other's opinions. (my husband has told me I don't know any better when I disagree with him) I have fallen in love with this other man and want to be with him more than anything, except my husbands money. To be clear, we have not been physically intimate with each other in any way. No kissing, no sex, just oral.
I have wanted to divorce my husband for years, but here is the problem. I'm too busy holding down an affair and deceiving my husband to work. I have no income except that which I am deceiving my Husband to obtain. He makes all the money (and it's very very good money, enough to buy som pretty good legal representation). I appreciate all his hard work to provide for me and our children and I don't for one second (more like 3 years)take that for granted.
And before anyone says, well go get a job and support yourself. Even if I were to get a job, it could only be part time. Because my wonderful Boyfriend won't actually support me, or even marry me. And if I got a job, I would have to put my youngest in daycare. And that would be most, if not all of any money I make. There would be nothing left for food, bills and my kid's expenses. I know that my husband would have to pay child support, but I am thinking that because he will be very angry (he has an incredible anger problem and very good lawyers, and justifiable cause) he will hide his money to make it seem like he doesn't make that much. He works for himself, so that is very easy to do.
I cannot risk losing my kids because I can't support them on my own. And there is no way he could even watch them without help, because he works 7 days a week, which has givem me the opportunity to have mr. wonderful as well as his money. He barely helps with the kids as is.
I don't know what to do. My parents don't live in the same country, so moving in with them temporarily isn't an option.
I know it's not fair to my husband to be living this lie and I want to remedy this situation, but just ending the affair and being honest is too hard. But I just don't see how it's possible. And before anyone says, if you don't love him why did you have three children with him, I have tried my hardest to make this work, I have managed to keep him deceived this long and I don't see any reason why I won't be able to continue. I have tried to have a positive attitude in hopes that things would turn around. But it just isn't. My heart belongs to another now, and I want out. But I don't see a way. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
The only Cure for an affair is complete exposure to all interested parties, their friends and their families. The bright sunshine of Truth will burn away the festering rot of deception. I hope you will find your way out of the fog you are lost in. The translation above is given in hopes of shining a beacon to you.
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