A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. I had learned that I had been so selfless in relationship. I had always bought him stuff, when I go to the mall, see something he would like, I buy for him. But he has never did anything like that. I dont expect anything back but a thought about it would be nice and his excuses are I dont make much money. I am broke...I am getting sick of that excuse and I dont know if this relationship even worths it. Any advices please?
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female
reader, IAMDONE +, writes (12 May 2011):
It sounds like you are a very kind hearted and thoughtful person. I like your style sweetheart! But everybody is not deserving and many people will take advantage of people who are kind and giving, and some people have no self consious.
Personally, there is no way in hell that I would allow my lover to give me gifts and I would not return the kindness some kind of way. My conscious would not let me survive not doing anything.
I was in a relaionship just as you have explained and I after almost 5 years had to take a whole new approach to what I was doing and how I was doing it!!! I stopped buying gifts, I stopped offering money, and I stopped doing any and all things for my lover. It is a long distance relationship and I do not believe that he really has any idea what my new plans are for our relationship.
The new plan is...I AM NOT GIVING ANY MORE THAN I GET IN A RELATIONSHIP with him again. Of course, I am not saying that if he spend 10 dollars than I should only spend 10 dollars. I am not buying anything else until I see that he cares enough for me to spend some of his money. I have spent and sent money when I could not afford it. I havce given and gicen for almost 5 years and I am DONE!!!
I find myself as an individual who could benefit from the cash I was spending on my lover...I can buy something for myself. I am crushed that he never thought enough of me to buy not even a card for me. Sometimes we as women give too much to the wrong people.
I am backing up and allowing him the opportunity to give to me...for all I know, he may be too selfish to give to me and it is evident he has no desire to do it as well.
NO MORE BIRTHDAY, NO MORE CHRISTMAS, NO MORE FATHER'S DAY, NO MORE CASH SENT WHEN HE IS BROKE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Personally I think your bf is a horrible cheapskate. Never a gift in two years because " he has not got much money "? Nonsense ! when there's a will there 's always a way. Failing all else, he could have skipped dinner once or twice in two years - he would have gone to bed hungry for once, but voila' a nice little bunch of flowers for you !
He has a point, though, about your gift-giving habits. If you want to buy him stuff, he is not obliged to reciprocate, and you should not try to make him feel guilty about not reciprocating.
A gift is something that you give because you WANT to give, not because you want to get something back.
He is not twisting your arm to make you buy him stuff, right ? He is not even asking you for stuff, at least you did not say that. So you buy him stuff because you want to-
by accepting your gifts he is simply letting you do something that you like ( giving gifts ) but he is not obliged to like doing the same himself.
He may believe that in good faith - and if he does not, he has this logic ready as a valid excuse .
The problem has a simple , immediate solution. Stop buying him things ! It only causes to breed resentment in you- don't do it !
You wonder if it's worth to continue this relationship, I'd have to say NO , but I have a fierce, knee-jerk adversion for stingy people. Tryng to be more rational, I'll say that it depends if he is ONLY tight with his money. There are many ways to be generous, and people that can't give anything moneywise can be generous with their time, affection, appreciation, help in practical matters , moral support, can be giving ,unselfish lovers in bed, - can GIVE in many ways. The problem is, that when people are stingy with money , more often than not they are also stingy with everything else- but that's for you to evaluate and decide.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Love is in the details.
I have a romantic affinity for the story
The Gift of the Magi.
Oh so lofty, so tragic yet loving.
But so real. There is something about fairness and justice that some of us harbour close to our valuable hearts.
I've had men like this and it has been easily remedied.
I simply asked them to find me a token of there endearment with something, anything that cost nothing but was priceless.
To those who past this task, they are still in my life, thought, diaries, dreams. To those who failed, they are still failing but alas at a distance.
I have a small rock from a beach walk and a sunset kiss.
A solid egg yoke from a sexually illicit breakfast.
A song written and preformed via phone message.
A picture of a garden of flowers in the rain with a poem.
A old wooden ruler with an engraving of hearts. (high school sweethearts)
So pose the question, if nothing happens you'll know what to do. Eyes wide open, as is the front door.
If he follows through, you'll get a deep taste of his imagination and his knowledge of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): has it ever crossed your mind that buying gifts is NOT the only way of showing someone you care?there are five love languages. in other words, five different ways people show they love and appreciate the person they're with. and everyone has their own unique way.1.) words of affirmation - AKA - you can't get enough verbal compliments.2.) quality time - complete undivided attention. cell phone away, tv off, pure alone time.3.) receiving gifts (you) - appreciates receiving thoughtful gifts that shows the person knows and loves you.4.) acts of service - needs someone to do tasks or go out of the way for them to ease the burden of their every day life.5.) physical touch - physical affection. always needing and requiring touch. cuddling, holding hands, etc.*don't be blinded and assume the way you show your love is the way everybody else does. you may buy him things, but that doesn't automatically make you a great girlfriend. there's a LOT that goes into a good, healthy relationship. don't be fooled.
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