A
female
age
36-40,
*ucindadoll
writes:Hi,I'll try and condense the last year and a half into this... basically i split up with my boyfriend of 3 years, with the intention of it being more of a break. We had gone from living together to being long distance, and weren't coping with it well, at least my boyfriend found it hard, he has always hated long distance. The break however turned into a proper split, I very quickly regretted it all and and wanted him back... he was angry and going thru a tough time. He referred many times to how i had hurt him and i had dumped him so no way would we be together. (Bearing in mind he had split up with me b4 and I had forgiven him and we'd got back together very quickly... although I know people react differently). I later found out just how much it had knocked him. Gradually things got better... but we have been split up now a year and a half. In this time, we have pulled each other every time we've seen each other, we have not had any other relationships except dating and casually seeing one person, we have made several visits to see each other, we've talked lots about getting back together and he has told me repeatedly he always sees us getting back together but not just now. On valentines he came up to see me, and another time he randomly made 2 cd's of songs that express how he feels about me. But every time I asked to get back he always said no. However, a few months ago, we did agree to get back together, altho there was a considerable distance between us. It was going well, he was saying just how much he loved me, how he wanted me there all the time, we were planning a holiday, etc etc. He went quiet at one point but said it wasn't anything to worry about that was just him he'd get back to normal. Then suddenly he went very quiet, and I got worried, he cancelled seeing me and wouldnt pick up his phone. When he did, we chatted just as we always did, and I said I was gonna come see him the next weekend cos he had it off work too, but he wouldnt agree to anything. In the end I just went down, thinking if I actually saw him perhaps things would be ok, he definitely finds long distance hard because the other person isn't as involved in his life, so I thought if i showed him i could be there it'd be ok. But he was really really mad, and it seemed he had decided he didnt want to try anymore but hadn't told me. The following weekend we saw each other at get-togther, and as always, we got on really really well... he said he knows he treated me wrong, and in his eyes im perfect... but that's why he can't treat me right and screws up. (This I don't quite understand?!) He said he wants me six and a half days out of 7 in other words occasionally wants to be single, but he said noone compares to me. Things happened again, and I know they shouldnt have because I can't tell you how hurt I was and this only made things worse. But now i don't know what to do... what we had was amazing, i know a lot of it is still there, i know i hurt him and he has hurt me, but to still feel this strongly a year and a half on...i don't know where to turn now. I don't want to lose him, but i don't want to wait another year hearing him say he wants me but not doing anything about it. What should I do? I don't understand how he can say he wants to marry me but he can't be with me now? Why if I'm 'perfect' is he pushing me away? He said to a mutual friend that his friends keep telling him there's plenty more fish in the sea, but he doesnt find that. So then, why won't he let himself be with me? Or is it all lies!? help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): The best advise I can give you... keep going with you own life. It's hard and because we have those damn XX chromosomes we are bound to be more emotional about these types of situations. (I'm the one going through the similar situation) and I've recently found that getting on with my life is the best thing I can do. Don't get me wrong, I still think about him 24/7 and everytime something funny/sad/interesting etc. happens I still want to run and tell him about it, but I can't sit around forever waiting for him. We still talk almost everyday, and he still tells me he loves me etc. but like I said before, it's up to them to do something about it.
You can't force someone to commit. The saddest part, at least for me, is that they know very well that by not "making a move" they are risking losing us forever and yet they are still willing to take that chance. My guy has dated around since I left (claims he was looking for another me but realized he's never going to find it. he wants me only) But, we all know that actions speak louder than words and bottom line is : yeah, maybe they want us as their wives...just not quite right now. So you have to decide whether or not he's worth waiting for and taking a chance that he may never come around OR move on and if it happens that you guys end up together then YAY! if not, then it JUST might be that you will be strong enough to get over him and find someone who trully appreciates you and for whom you ARE "the one he can't live without".
A
female
reader, lucindadoll +, writes (16 May 2007):
lucindadoll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies, they're really helpful. Unfortuntately, just today I have found out he has started seeing someone... this seems a little strange considering everything he said. It's a lot for me to get my head around, a month and a half ago he was telling me how he never wanted to be without me, we were planning a holiday etc... and two weeks ago he told me how he loved me, i was perfect for him and if it was a case of marrying someone I'd be that person. But he said how right now he couldn't treat me right... do you think that's the reality? Or do you think he's keeping me at arms length in case he doesnt find anybody else?!
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A
female
reader, lightup17  +, writes (16 May 2007):
Perhaps he's hiding a secret that he cant bring himself to tell you..... maybe a baby out where he lives, or something he is ashamed of, that he doesnt think u should deal with. (Has he been in trouble with the law?). I dunno.. food for thought!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): I'm going through a rather similar situation right now. I was in a relationship but had to move because of a family emergency. A month after I left and after my "ex" convinced me we could make the LDR work, he stopped talking to me. A month later he emailed me saying he'd broken up with me because he "couldn't stand hearing how miserable you were every time we talked". What a shock, I missed him to death. Anyways. We've been communicating everyday since. It's been a year now and he always tells me how much he loves me, misses me. How he only wants me and that we're going to be together again and we WILL be husband and wife. Because he thinks about me all the time and wants to be with me forever.
Still, he does not want to commit to an actual LDR.
I am still in love with him, and I THINK he still loves me, but the truth is, if they don't want to commit... then what's the point of it all? Like you, we've both hurt each other, but that happens in every relationship. You wanted a break, that's understandable... he should understand since he did that before as well. But regardless of it all...
In my opinion, if you love someone as much as I love my "ex", as much as he claims to love me... as much as you obviously love your guy and he "loves" you... all you want is to be together and there's no reason why not give it your all to be able to do that. Call me crazy but when it comes to love, it being such a RARE comodity these days, one shouldn't just let it go.You should do nothing less than the impossible to be with the one you love (provided they love you back).
Having said this... it all comes down to whether or not the other person trully loves you. In my case, I'm sad to say that he may not love me enough to wait or do the impossible. HE's content with saying: what will be will be, and leave it at that. You should really try and analyze whether he does trully love you or not. If you believe he does then go for it all the way. Do the impossible.
An example: I know a guy who dated a girl for 3 years. She was from Poland. After being together for 3 years she decided to move back to Poland because she missed her family and other personal reasons. They said their goodbyes. NOt 2 months later, he'd sold everything he owned and bought a ring and a ticket there. He had decided that he would move there if necesary, but he wasn't letting go of her.
They have now been married for 2 or 3 years and have a beautiful baby boy.
So... it's this real life event that I base my opinions of love on. I, unfortunatelly, am not the girl that my "ex" simply CAN'T live without. At least not enough to do something real about it. If you love him and you are possitive he loves you then REALLY talk to him and move towards something serious that will allow the 2 of you to be together.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Like you said, this man was devastated when you broke up, it really cut him up and only he knows the pain he went through when you split. Now he feels he's getting close again and isn't sure whether or not to risk being that hurt again.
You need to go at his pace here (if you truly love him and want him back permanently.) Respect his wishes and just enjoy being together when you do meet up WITHOUT the pressure! When he sees there is no pressure then his trust for you will strengthen again and in time I think he'll come round. From what you've written I think he really does love you but is just terrified in case it doesn't work out again.
There is also the distance between you and that will be worrying him too. Not much point in him getting all loved up again when he can't see you as often as he wants to, he wants to bond with you, he wants you to be a big part of his life, to be with you always... would you be willing to move closer to him? I'm sure the distance will be on his mind too.
My advice to you at this moment in time is to "go with the flow" for now. Respect his wishes and don't put any pressure on him to see you if he feels he doesn't want to. It's a battle of conscience for him just now as he battles with his thoughts and feelings so don't make it any harder for him. If he truly loves you then he'll come to the right decision but it must be HIS decision.
Eve
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