A
female
age
36-40,
*onfusedinLOv
writes:I meant this guy over 5 years ago,he became a close friend and I ended up falling in love with him and he fell in love with me. During the time I meant him I was in a horrible relationship that I was having a hard time getting out of. To say the least I hurt him because I could not be with him at the time I was not ready to leave one relationship and begin another.Let me just say he isnt perfect either and has seriously done some things to hurt me as well. One year passed we kept in contact more than friends, He went away for awhile and some serious things happened that made me realize that I don't want to be with anyone else, he is so confusing though he will tell me he loves me but he is scared to let me i again which i get but he leaves it so open ended I attempted to move on but he just came back in my life again... why is he telling me he loves me and want to be with me but wont commit to anything? We cant be just friends it doesnt work.. I need serious advice
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Sounds as if the pain you caused each other is still present. How is he to know the same that has happened before won't take place again? When his hurt took place the first time, the brain automatically triggers a red flag, if he may be entering into a place where the pain initially happened.
If he were to commit, and the two of you emotionally surpassed the point of the block, it would no longer exist. This takes his faith in the two of you together. Tell him that you have both made mistakes in the past that kept you apart, but now you have the chance to start fresh and new together.
Fresh and new means just that, if you have anyone you're flirting with or anyone else who may be a possibility, or ex's you chat with, I'd eliminate those. If he opens himself up there can be NO complications, or anything that can be viewed as such. It needs to be a relationship of you two wrapped up where nothing else exists but the two of you. I'm telling you this because if there is any complications or guys lingering from the past, he will close up and it may be to the point that you will never get him open to the possibility again.
Some flirting is innocent, but when with someone who's opening up for the second time, it can be equally damaging.
That's how I'd work it. Admit to the past mistakes, reaffirm your love for him. Assure him that everyday, you will prove how much you love him, if he'd give the two of you this beginning. I say it as a beginning because where you don't have someone else, and if he doesn't have someone else, this may be the time which is set aside for the two of you.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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