A
male
age
41-50,
*edea
writes:Why my wife won't have sex with me more often?We've been married for five years and together for six, apart from the first heat when we've met, she never asks or offers to make love! and when I ask or make a move she says why? it's like a chore! sometimes I say: why do I bother? Even on our wedding night she didn't want to! We've got a daughter together and I still love her even with her bad habits and lies! We work together but we don't see each other during work, I do nice things for her all the time but it's never enough! she just wants to cuddle up and go to sleep and making love is never on the agenda, she gets so stressed when thinking about it and causes her headches. She not very good in bed either because of her low sex drive, we only do 3 sex positions when we get to do it! oral sex is not one of them sadly either way! she says she loves me but she wants romance in her life, what more can I do? We want an other child but she doesn't want to do it! She said she will see a doctor if that will make me happy, but I don't think it would change anything as I don't think the problem is physical, neither the sex therapy, I think the problem is her not acknowledging the that there is something wrong in the first place, we do it once a month if we're lucky! is that normal?
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oral sex, sex drive, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Medea +, writes (6 August 2010):
Medea is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yippee!!! she's cured! we're doing it every week now!! Yeah baby yeah!
A
male
reader, model101_t800  +, writes (29 July 2010):
 Oh man! If she has suggested to see a doc for counselling, then it is the best ting to do. Go for it. You will really uncover the true reasons behind this and will get a real good advice on how to fix it.
I pray that everything resolves well for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): Blood pressure meds can affect women's libido as well as men's. Plus, if she's anemic, that can cause all kinds of problems such as feelings of weakness, fatigue, general discomfort, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chronic heartburn--any one of which could be enough to make her want to avoid sex.
Make sure she gets a complete physical, and that she mentions the low libido to her doctor. If it's due to side effects of her medications, her doctor can try prescribing something else.
Also make sure that you're not expecting her to do everything once you both get home from work. If she has to run around all evening cooking, cleaning up, supervising homework and bathtime for your daughter, etc. while you watch baseball, she's most likely exhausted by the time she goes to bed.
Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (28 July 2010):
 I seriously doubt you are a sex addict. I do wonder if your wife has some sexual hang ups. She shouldn't ever feel like it's dirty or wrong to enjoy sex with her husband. Blood pressure pills can affect libido in men, maybe the same is true with women...? I think it's more about her up-bringing and her own internal programming that's getting in the way. Boredom perhaps too. I think women fall in love and we work so hard at getting a guy down the isle, that once it's done and there's no challenge left to feed on, we don't quite know what to do with ourselves. There's no ying and yang anymore because we got what we wanted. Try to be unpredictable at times; don't always come home exactly when you say you will. Don't always do exactly what you're told, or what she expects. This may give her a little room to feel like there's still a mystery; a challenge to solve. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Medea +, writes (26 July 2010):
Medea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks basschick that's better!
She's on blood pressure tablets and some iron pills, She says she's bored sometimes, her mother and sister got divorced for the same issue! is it a gene in the family? she doesn't like touching me when we do it! It was just one night when we got together when she showed me some good time then she said that's not who she is! May be it's just the way it is and I'm just a sex addict.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (26 July 2010):
Dear Medea,
It was not my intention to hurt your feelings. I was being honest. Woman are surprisingly more sexual than most people realize and we rarely ever suffer from low sex drive. What we do suffer from is marrying men that are not really suited for us. At least when I was married I faked it for the first 3 years before I had to face the facts that I explained earlier. Unfortunately your wife was already showing signs of this problem as far back as your wedding night. But in light of your sensitivity, I think your wife should have a complete physical exam to rule out anything weird that could be affecting her libido. Perhaps her hormones are just whacked out and it is creating a simple imbalance. Is she taking any kind of medication?..that can also be a factor, as well as depression. She's not depressed is she?....If everything checks out okay, you should breath a sigh of relief. After that maybe you can indulge in some kinky games...Arrive at the same bar, but don't go together. Sit away from each other and try to act like you don't know each other. Eventually one, of you (perhaps it should be her) could happen to "bump" into the other, and start flirting as if you are total strangers. Rent a hotel and have wild uninhibited sex. Perhaps the feeling that is is "forbidden" will appeal to her.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (26 July 2010):
No, once a month isn't remotely normal or enough - you are entitled to a lot more, just on a physical needs basis let alone psychological closeness.If you didn't have the daughter my suggestion would be call it quits now and move on - you are too young to give up on finding someone who reciprocates your needs for intimacy.But as you do have the daughter I would suggest you discuss with her whether you can have an open marriage - ie you won't trouble her for sex provided she accepts you can look for it elsewhere ( as can she if she's interested ) but you stay living together ( maybe separate bedrooms would make a lot more sense; or do you have room in the loft to build a studio apartment you could live in ? ) just so you can both be there for the daughter .If she doesn't like that idea then try couples therapy and if that doesn't work the least bad option is a friendly divorce - even tho' you will be financially screwed you'll at least be able to relax in your little studio apartment and meet women off the internet or wherever and give them great sex ! Don't lose any more time or your balls 'll atrophy and drop off !
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A
male
reader, Medea +, writes (25 July 2010):
Medea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBasschick! That hurts! I don't believe it will get to that, I think that's her sex drive and nothing will change that!
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (25 July 2010):
Alas, it sounds like she's lost her sexual atttaction for you. It could be that she married you because you were a good guy, who she knew she could trust and the relationship didn't have a bunch of drama. If so she sold herself short and now, she's realizes this and doesn't know what to do, except avoid sex and all things intimate. You are like a beloved family member to her, a treasured friend and confidant, but sex partner? No way. She chose "safe" instead of choosing what excited her and no amount of pills will change this. Sadly enough, women in these situations usually end up having affairs because they'are starving for a sexual connection to a man they are actually attracted to (and you thought she didn't like sex). Once the sexual passion is gone, there's really no point of continuing the relationship unless you've both lost interest in sex and just want to be buddies for the rest of your lives.
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