A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m feeling ready to give up on on-line dating as I’m finding the whole experience an emotional rollercoaster.After I split from my ex-boyfriend just before Christmas, I decided to give on-line dating a go for the first time using the most popular dating website. I always make sure that I spend time getting to know potential dates via e-mail/telephone first before I decide whether to meet them.The first guy I met I wasn’t sure about at first but we got on really well and after three dates he started to grow on me, however he then text me to say that I was a lovely person but he didn’t feel a spark between us. (I had an idea something was amiss on our third date, when I told him I was exhibiting a painting at this place we were visiting and he simply walked off showing no interest whatsoever). He said he wanted to remain friends with me which he seems sincere about, and does occasionally text me from time to time.The second guy and I spoke on the telephone every night. The first night he tried to call me I was out which I explained to him beforehand so I wouldn’t be able to speak to him late that evening, but he seemed to get upset that I didn’t call him the minute I got home. Anyway, we spoke about it and he said he had been the subject of so many ‘timewasters/weirdos’ that he thought he was being messed about again. After a heart-to-heart about it, we spoke for ages on the phone every night and got on well. He asked to go on a date with me (this was on a Friday) and we arranged to meet up on the Sunday. Anyway, Sunday arrived and I started to get ready but I thought it was a bit weird that he hadn’t contacted me so I tried to call him. No answer, so I left him a message asking what was happening. I then got a text from him saying that he didn’t want to meet up after all because ‘we are on different wavelengths on what we want from a relationship and our interests and lifestyles are very different’. I sent him a text saying that I thought it was a bit rich him saying about timewasters/weirdos given that he had just wasted my time. The third guy and I went on three dates. Just prior to our second date, we had a minor misunderstanding where he had sent me two texts and tried to call me over the space of three hours to see if we were still on for our date, but because I live in the country I didn’t receive the texts until hours later and I wasn’t anywhere near my mobile when it rang so didn’t hear it. He left me a message where he was upset as he thought he was being blown out again and that he didn’t take rejection easily, but I explained what had happened and all was fine again. We had a great time. He was very gentle, kind and caring, there was a lot of banter involved and we talked for hours. I felt like I had met someone that I wanted to spend more time getting to know as we had so much in common and he was really sweet about me. I noticed that he focused all of his attention on me, which I really liked. We were very affectionate with each other after each date. He told me he couldn’t wait until next weekend to see me again so he asked if he could meet me in the week. So we did. Again, we had a great time and he asked if we could meet at the weekend. I agreed. Anyway, by the end of the working week I was thinking it was weird he hadn’t contacted me so I casually asked him what was happening about the weekend. I then received a text from him saying he didn’t want to take things any further, that I am a very nice person but ‘it’ just wasn’t there for him. I was upset by the second guy blowing me out, but this one has completely floored me and left me in tears. Given the fact that this guy said he didn’t deal with rejection, how does he think this make me feel? I haven’t bothered to respond to this.All three of these men were actively pursuing me and making plans just days before they decided that actually they didn’t want to see me again after all. Why do they keep doing this? The pattern seems to be that they actively pursue me, we’re getting on like a house on fire and then they say they aren’t feeling ‘it’ which they clearly were only a matter of days ago unless of course all of it was lies on their part. Oh, and they seem to think it’s acceptable to simply text that all of a sudden they’re not interested, rather than be a man and call.All of my friends and acquaintances say they cannot understand why I am still single, that I am attractive, that I dress well and have a great personality (very funny, kind, caring, gentle, patient, etc). In fact, even the dates I’ve been on have said that, so I’ve no idea where it’s all going wrong.What concerns me is that these are the few men that I thought were worth a chance and look how they’ve turned out. Before you say anything about going for the wrong type, I’ve dated all types of men.Does this ‘it’ that so many of these guys seem to be talking about really exist?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Just a few pointers before I answer your question.
"All three of these men were actively pursuing me and making plans just days before they decided that actually they didn’t want to see me again after all."
This is what guys do. We chase, we pursue, because all but a tiny handful of us receive little female attention without seeking it. But the whole time we chase, we evaluate. So, while a guy is trying his hardest to win you over, he is also trying to find out if he likes you. If he doesn't, he quits. It's rude, and messes with girls' heads, but it's ubiquitous. Nothing personal. I don't approve of it, but am guilty of it myself.
"All of my friends and acquaintances say they cannot understand why I am still single, that I am attractive, that I dress well and have a great personality (very funny, kind, caring, gentle, patient, etc). In fact, even the dates I’ve been on have said that, so I’ve no idea where it’s all going wrong."
Everyone's friends and dates say that. It's probably true, but that's not why they say it - they say it because they like you. What you ought to do is start asking friends to tell you what you are doing wrong. They will know much better than anonymous jerks like me.
The only thing we can change is ourselves; while we can never guarantee success, we can improve the odds by modifying our own behavior and appearance.
Now, as for "it" - yes, it does exist. "It" is a person's assessment (accurate or not) of how much work they'll have to put into the relationship versus what they'll get out of it. Part of it is you, and how you present yourself (that part is under your control). Part of it is just what they want out of a relationship (which is never precisely what they say they want, because most people lie to themselves) and what they perceive you will want (not necessarily accurate).
So, to sum up, keep trying to meet the right guy, don't lose heart over a few bad dates, and try to get some honest, constructive criticism from your friends (preferably straight males with more honesty than manners).
A
female
reader, Philosophyzer +, writes (8 August 2010):
 First, I'm very sorry you have been plagued with such bad luck, dear! It can be very disheartening to have this rejection and upset happen time and time again. Have faith! There is someone out there! Trust me. But, before I express my deeper opinions on your specific situation, I would like to address some of the other comments made about online dating. Not everyone online is a unsuccessful loser with emotional problems. I, myself, enjoy meeting people through the net and developing friendships. There is nothing wrong with me or most of the people I befriend. Sure, there are a lot of nutcases online, but there are just as many in the bars and clubs. You just have to sieve out the good ones! Online dating is not just for the crazies who can't get girls in real life.Now, onto you and your predicament! I think Guy #1 might not have had as many common interests as you originally thought, as he didn't exhibit interest in your art. I think he just felt the friend vibe. It's nothing to be upset about, though. It was nothing you did! I think there just wasn't an incredibly strong attraction between the two of you and I believe he tuned into that. However, the fact that he still talks to you and is nice seems to be a sign that he is a decent individual. Take your chances and remain friends. You never know what might develop in the future. Even if it isn't romance. Guys #2 and #3 sound insecure and inexperienced. Both seemed obsessive and reluctant to believe that you might be interested in them. I feel that they would have only been trouble in the future. If they are already freaking out before the first date, imagine how they might act down the road when you want a night with your girlfriends! Yikes! It is probably for the best that it didn't work out! Again, I don't think you are doing anything wrong or presenting yourself in a bad way. It was just the natural progression of those two possible flames. Some burn, some fizzle. Life has a funny way of working out and takes us places we never expect. Keep your head and your confidence high. There is a man out there who will thinking you've got "it" going on. Don't give up. Keep dating online and searching in your day to day life. Go slow and keep an open mind. The world is full of weirdos, but you are bound to find someone just as weird as you. ;) Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): if these people on-line are as attractive,sexy,successful as they say they are,then why do they have to resort to dating sites? i can only think they cant get anyone so desperate times bring desperate measures,or men who pose as single and they can have a gullible woman,and disappear as soon as they had want they want,knowing theres little chance of being caught. How many times do we hear about these situations on here? examples here- http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-met-on-a-dating-site-we-slept.html or http://www.dearcupid.org/question/we-swappws-pics-and-he-didnt-e-mail.html why do so people sink to this level?
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A
female
reader, Inallhonesty... +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Awww honey :( believe me, it's definitely not you. I also told myself that I'd give the whole online dating thing a try so I understand what you're going through. It really isn't one of my favorite ways to meet people and no offense to anyone who chooses the internet to be their primary source of dating but like someone said, there's a reason those guys have to resort to online dating. From my own experience, I've found the guys I've dated to be socially inept and basically a waste of my time.I'm sort of shy but I try to mix it up so I won't go crazy. I always keep my eyes open when I go out with my friends to clubs or bars, when I'm in a bookstore or at a museum...even the grocery store. There's potential everywhere where perfectly normal people roam and are willing to meet someone like you :). Just be sure to stay true to who you are and what you're looking for, keep your confidence shining bright and you'll find someone in no time. Hope this helped!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Hmm. that was weird. All of them did the same thing. They do sound insecure in certain issues, like they are affraid to be abandoned. But they end things without giving chance to develope a little further. And very abrupt. I understand how discouraged you get.Never had much opinion about on-line dating.
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