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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok I asked a question some hours ago... I'm having so many problems understanding this, and I just feel so bad! The thing is, I had lied to my boyfriend in the beginning of my relationship, and ever since he has judged me for being a liar, but last night I found out he had been lying for 3 years. That hurt, what a hypocrite. Well, I have some issues with my body, especially since I've been called ugly my whole life AND made fun of because I have small boobs. My boyfriend knows about this. Last night we were on my laptop and he accused me of checking out other guys online. I denied it, because frankly, I don't do it. However, I don't keep a history of my visited websites, because while I don't watch porn, I wouldn't like him seeing I post here, or whatever. He got suspicious over my lack of a history. He went home, saying since I was a liar, I probably was lying again.Then he got online and we started IMing. He kept telling me I was checking other guys out, and I said maybe he was projecting his guilt on me. For these 3 years, he'd told me that yes, he watched porn, but only amateur (with normal girls, even gave me the link of the site he used once) and for the acts mainly. I was OK with that. But last night, after I told him that maybe he was the one looking at other girls, he admitted he looks for pictures of porn girls, especifically ones with DDs, small waists and huge bubble butts. Oh, and beautiful faces, of course.He always told me he disliked big breasts, but now he admits he prefers them. He was like "So? So what if I look at these girls pictures? I like them, don't be such a nag and a child about it, get over it, it's not a big deal, if you feel ugly that's your problem not mine and if you don't like it then we should just break up". So I broke up with him. I was just feeling disgusted and ugly, plus if he wants a girl that can accept it, then maybe it's not me. He didn't want to talk about it... if I told him how it made me feel, he'd just disregard everything as a "stupid and childish" concern, that I was just nagging.Then this morning he called. I wasn't keen on talking to him. We had to meet up with some friends and after the meet up concluded, he walked me home and we talked about it. But again he made me feel like I'm stupid, like my concerns aren't valid, etc. And again I just felt ugly, and he just didn't care. He says other girls don't care, but well, I'm me, not "other girls". I ended up crying and he just left me there, he would get annoyed that I'd ask questions, and he didn't answer a single one of them. I mean, sure, if I lack some self esteem, I should be the one to fix it, but is it that hard to give me some reassurance when I feel bad? Really?I mean, am I supposed to feel great compared to these women? Most girls I know fret about it too, even though they don't tell their boyfriends, most feel the expectations are too high, that standards are impossible to reach and they feel bad about their bodies, too. He was just like "well, other guys do it, so get used to it". Sometimes I wish I was a guy. That way I wouldn't have to feel so bad about my body... yes, I know it sounds crazy, but i just hate that everytime I turn on the TV, flip through a magazine, or even get out of my house I'll see at least one image of a "perfect woman". I'm sick of it, I can't take it anymore, and knowing that my boyfriend lied to me over 3 years, that he made me believe he liked my body type best, that he told me he thought about me while masturbating and that he actually thinks of women who're the total opposite of me makes me feel like crap.I never fantasize about other guys, I have enough with him, really. I just feel so inadequate right now, why is he with me if he likes big breasts and tiny waists, etc., better? I mean, no one forced him to approach me, and when he first saw me, well he saw me prior to getting to know me. It's so unafair, because I didn't choose my body, my face, nothing. And he gets off to these absolutely perfect women, and how am I supposed to feel good about that? Especially after three years of being lied to. I know some of you will call me naive and will be pissed off with my attitude and side with him, but really, maybe it's my baggage that I've been calle dugly my whole life and there's an obvious bias towards big breasts and I'm completely small!I just don't get why he needs to look at these women, why big breasts? Why big butts? Why? Why do they have to be so perfect? Why does he need to perv over other women? It's not fair, I'll never look like them, how does he expect me to feel confident when I know the type of women he lusts after? I'm so ugly and disgusting, dammit!
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boobs, breasts, broke up, liar, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): lol chill. those girls may be hot sexy or whatever but what counts is what you have on your heart. try to feel pretty! EVERYONE has something special;) and just ignore that jerk and his stupid coments with that attitued his the one thats gonna end up alone. don't let anyone bring you down
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 The image society has portrayed as the perfect woman is wrong. Your boyfriend is not the best person for you. It doesn't matter if it's about the size of your boobs or what his behavior is regarding. He is totally disrespectful to how you feel. Get him a bottle of lotion and say see ya.
You were absolutely right about projecting guilt. I went to school with girls that were younger than I am, "college age" beautiful, you'd think have high self esteems.....I was off there. I found there are just women too, and have some of the same issues we're discussing here. It's true, and I was a bit floored that they didn't view themselves the same way you have been doing. They have self esteem issues, boyfriends that masturbate to porn, ignored, sexually deprived when with someone, disrespected, cheated on, lied to. All the same issues. This is common among all age groups, looks, boob sizes, butt sizes. Low sense of self doesn't discriminate.
When I talk to high schoolers about girl issues, one thing I always tell them is not to make fun of those who are late developing. We did, ran into one that didn't grow boobs as fast as the other girls. Saw her in her 20's. Talk about perfect development. We wouldn't have a chance in hell with her because of how we treated her before. Most of the girls I knew in my late teens, early 20's with what you call the D size boobs. Their pointed toward the ground now.
So, really what is your idea of the perfect girl? My idea, is a girl who's natural, not at all fake. Someone who's beautiful on the inside, who I can have a good conversation with, and stay up all night talking. Someone who loves herself because she's a unique individual, and doesn't let comparisons with others ruin her day because when she wants something someone else has, that someone else, I bet, would want something she does. Did you know some of the girls we view as being beautiful are some of the loneliest girls. While you're viewing them as being perfect, guys aren't asking them out because they assume they're too perfect and already taken. Or they view them as being out of their league.
There is a guy out there that will love you for who you are, and not wish for you to change anything. You're not going to find him as long as you stay with someone who sees your feelings as being childish, and telling you to get over the things he does to disrespect you. You won't get any of that from the right person. I hope this helps you. Remember you need to like yourself from the inside before you can appreciate the outside.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (27 September 2009):
 I think that talking to a professional therapist about your issues will really help you find the clarity you seek.
Good luck.
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