A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Recently, my boyfriend and I have been hitting some... impasses. This is a source of some grief for me, because otherwise, our eight-month relationship has suffered no rough spots whatsoever. We don't get into screaming matches or even real fights - so far, whenever there's been a disagreement, we just talk it out right there and then, and the problem is solved.The problem lies within our sex life. We've already hit some minor problems within it, like my inability to come, the lack of spontaneity, and the mess factor, which have all been satisfactorily dealt with. The problem that's surfacing right now is a recurring one - blowjobs.Simply put, I hate giving head. I find it difficult and uncomfortable, I don't like the smell of his junk, and semen makes me want to throw up (whether it's in my mouth or just on me). Regardless, I've done it for him on more than several occasions, and every time, it's horrible and I hate it and he can tell, so he says something along the lines of "I won't ask you to do that again." Fast forward to the next time he's horny, and I get asked if I would give him head. I feel hurt, because he fully understands how much I dislike it, and he's already told me he wouldn't ask for it. At this point, he feels hurt, because I apparently don't want him as much as he wants me. And so, the session ends, and we both feel bad.As I've said, we've come across this problem before. I've come to think that the issue lies mostly in smell and taste, so I've tried laying down a rule that I won't use my mouth unless he's just taken a shower (I thought it seemed reasonable enough). He's firmly convinced that if I keep trying it, I can "learn to like" the smells and tastes, and of course, has yet to take a shower prior to asking me for head. I understand that part of sex is doing things for the other person's pleasure, but if I actively dislike what I'm doing, I just feel used, you know?I don't think he understands how monumentally important this smell thing is to me. When I get a whiff of that lovely crotch aroma, I'm instantly turned off and just don't want to do anything. I don't know how to learn to like it. To me it seems like asking someone who's allergic to peanuts to learn to like Reese's cups.So what's the solution here? Am I in the wrong for refusing on these grounds? Is he in the wrong for continuing to ask me for it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): If he's not willing to try everything possible to make it more enjoyable/tolerable for you then he can't reasonably expect you to want to do it.
Breathspray doesn't burn, the inside of your mouth is far more sensitive than the penis is, it tingles and in a nice way too.
I think he's being very immature in his reaction to this, he's sulking like a child. His "passion" remarks and him wanting you to initiate sex to prove yourself to him is nuts especially considering he knows the reason you don't like blow-jobs. It sounds to me like he's trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing to it. This is going to have the opposite of his intended effect, as it will make you resent him for it.
It's nothing to do with it being mainstream, it's more to do with the great pleasure it is to receive a blow-job.
As I said if he can't meet you half way on this then he's being unreasonable and can't expect you to want to do it more. Above all oral sex is supposed to be about pleasure, both for receiver and the giver, I've had girlfriends that didn't like giving it that much (not to the point of disgust though) but I was willing to try anything to make it more pleasurable for them because I was the one that wanted it done.
Breathspray doesn't burn at all, maybe an ice cube, or a hot drink might work for you. Sucking on an ice cube, dulls the taste buds and also has nice cold feel on the penis, a hot drink does the same. Try them, have a glass of ice cubes beside the bed and put one in every now and again.
You could also try only giving him blow jobs in the shower, the constant rush of water etc. might make it more bearable.
Try and make him see you will do whatever you can to make it more enjoyable but he has to give you the same respect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Antiseptic throat lozenges might help you. They numb the gag reflex and neutralise the taste. This isn't to say that you have to keep giving him head if you really hate it, and if you hate it I can't see why he would take any pleasure in you doing it.
Your call. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answers and suggestions.
Yesterday saw another altercation on this subject - we got hold of some flavored condoms free from a function that was giving them out, so he was excited to try them out, and I was willing to give it a shot. Now I can't decide which I like less: flavored condoms or nothing. The condom was lubricated with something that felt like wax and tasted like sort of minty latex - gross. All I wanted to do was wash my mouth out - it felt coated with this stuff. I wish I could have tolerated it, but it was pretty bad.
I tried approaching him with the breath spray, but he freaked out on me. He thinks it'll burn if I spray it on him - does it? I wasn't under the impression that it did, but he was really not backing down on the point.
Neither of those options having worked, things descended to the same point they have been. Apparently, he thinks I don't have enough "passion", which he didn't define even upon queries for explanation. I'm thinking it translates to either "sex drive" (how on earth can I change that?), "wanting his body" (which I do - if I didn't, we wouldn't be having sex, so I wouldn't be worrying about this), or "wanting to give blowjobs". The point we're at now is that he's told me I should initiate all our sexual encounters for a while, so he knows I actually want it, but this more than likely means no blowjobs. And I can only foresee him complaining about it at some point.
It's really getting frustrating, for both of us. This seems like (to me, anyway) such a minor, stupid thing to be fighting over, but the fact is that he really likes it as much as I dislike it. I can't help but wonder if this sort of thing is an issue with couples where one person is really into BDSM or fisting or something and the other won't touch it. Maybe those couples don't exist, and break up due to sexual incompatibility. Is it just that because oral sex is so mainstream that we assume it has to be part of our repertoire?
But I digress. I guess I'll just see what happens.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): I don't know why the hell so many guys can't grasp a simple concept - it's no fun if someone stinks down there. I don't have to actually put another guys dick in my own mouth just to realize it's true for my junk as well as hers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I've been with my fiancee for five years and the issue that you are having with your current boyfriend was one that we had and argued over many times for the first few years of our relationship. Finally, I put my foot down and told him that I would not be giving him head unless he was freshly showered and he had scrubbed down there. I explained that it was unsanitary, I had major qualms about germs, and if he really cared about me he would not make me do something that made me feel so disgusted and degraded.
I also went and bought him a "man-poof" the axe scrubber thingie for men and some manly body wash...While he won't admit to anyone else that he owns a man poof (because he is a man's man) he will use it and the body wash make sure he is clean before we are intimate. Because I know that he is clean for me, I make sure to reward him. We haven't had any problems with this since.
Another thing that can help with the smell in that area is if he trims or shaves his pubic hair. I know this is a little gross, but pubic hair can hold in smells and sometimes getting rid of it can solve that problem completely.
Finally, he finally realized I wasn't lying when I told him how sick the taste and texture of cum made me feel. I compared the texture to snot, loogies, and raw egg whites all in one go and asked him if he would put something like that in his mouth...he never asked again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): Flavoured condoms are good for catching semen, but they might not get rid of the smell, I had the same problem with an ex and we solved it using breath freshener, the sprayable version.
Just spray some of that on, it gives a really nice cool tingle on the penis too.
To be honest though, it is up to him to find ways to make it more tolerable for you even if it's not enjoyable. That's what I did, we tried using other things like spraying some perfume on my pubes, smearing honey on it, but the best was that spray breath freshener, she sucked on extra strong mints one time when we ran out of breath freshener that seemed to work too.
Just keep trying things until you can tolerate it, oral sex is a gift that neither partner should be deprived of.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): You are not wrong to expect your partner to be clean when you have sex. You should take care with personal hygiene too. Some women just don't like blow jobs and you may be one. Men always like them. I don't see this relationship as being long-term because he is insisting on a sexual act that you are not comfortable with. Find someone else and make sure he's not stuck on blow jobs. You will both be happy. Plus does your current bf object to giving you oral sex? If not, take a shower together and give each other oral sex at the same time. It just might turn you on too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): No your defo right:)If his "junk" tastes bad you should tell him you aint giving head unless he cleans it. That should be decent anyway.One of my friends(guy) Always wanted head from his gf who hated doing it, Specially cuz he was less than hygenic. So she made him wash and scrub it before she sucked anything!In the short term he moaned and groaned but in the long term he started becoming more and more hygenic.If you do this with your bf I bet the same will happen, Also the anser before me with the flavoured condoms are a great idea! I dated a girl that hated giving head, So I bought them and she was real happy lolMy current gf nearly got sick the first time she had cum in her mouth, But as time went on she likes it more and more now! So maybe it might just be getting used to it?One thing I would say to you tho is if he knows how much you hate it, Why he would still be asking AND ignore all your requests...I think you might be giving in too easy. Which is why ye dont fight alot maybe? You let him win the arguments too easy?Anyway, Sorry about my bragging on and on,Get flavoured condoms, Make him wash in front of you, If he does that, Try get used to it if at all possible.Good luck
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A
male
reader, gunnerlil  +, writes (27 September 2009):
No you're not in the wrong at all. It can't be appealing as it is but if it's not clean that's just worse.
Stick to making him shower before. Also if he eats healthily the horrible taste that gets left in your mouth might not be so horriible. Make him drink lots of juice and eat friut and eat less junk food.
Otherwise you can try using flavoured condoms?
In the end it's down to you and what you want. Don't make him do anything you don't want to.
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