A
female
age
41-50,
*ruealways
writes:Hi, I'm in a 4 yr, faithful relationship. We share a lot in common, and our future goals are a strong match. We have had a few major issue with his parents not accepting me and intentionally going out of there way to break us up. We stayed together through that, and a little peace is with us and his parents now. We have chemistry and are equally attracted to each other. BUT, he has no plans to move in yet, nor any plans to buy property or propose, or have children anytime soon. When I bring up these issues, I NEVER get anywhere. He avoids it entirely. I don't understand?? It has left me feeling like perhaps I should consider moving on...??? I currently have three friends (men) who have randomly and unexpectedly asked me out on dates. Truly just friends whom ive never even socialized one-on-one with.Now what do I do? And to make it MORE COMPLICATED, my br says its Ok if I want to go on a date!?!? He knows I'm terribly ethical and loyal and it actually broke my heart when he told me this. Yet, hw says I'm the one for him, that he's so in love with me, etc. Gulp! Help?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, truealways +, writes (16 August 2012):
truealways is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the replies. He has said pretty loosely that he wants lots of kids, but is nowhere near ready, and I've said that I am no way willing to start a family in our late 30's..the conversation never really goes past that. He says the thing about 'dating' very loosely too, so I cannot work out if it's a silly fantasy, or for real. I am not the type to even think about anyone else whilst in a relationship but I am beginning to wonder what to do if he has no plans and is not yet willing to plan anything serious. He says that he wants marriage, kids, etc, but he's too scared?!?!? Yet, he says he's never felt this way before about anyone ...? I often think he's "the one" ....but, when I get "serious" about the details, I feel let down.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 If at your age, after 4 years (assuming he's not in his early 20s) he should KNOW what he wants.
His telling you it's ok for you to date others screams loud and clear to me that he's ok with losing the relationship, that he's not as committed to you as you would be to him or as you would like.
IF you wish to marry and have a family, I strongly suggest that you consider ending this relationship, mourning it properly (give yourself time to heal 4 years is a long time) and then finding a man who is more like minded...
clearly your bf does not feel the need to advance the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2012):
 4 years is CLEARLY long enough to know if there is a future in the relationship, if there is potential for marriage and kids.
SO, I would sit him down and lay it out. He can't skirt the subject and no avoiding. Just don't let him. Tell him how important it IS to you to know what he thinks.
I would SURELY not go out and date others. UNLESS... your BF tells you he has been wanting to end it for a long time. Then you can do as you please.
Make sure when you bring up the subject you two have TIME to talk about it. Not like right before work or bed.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 The most worrying part of this is when he has said its ok if you want to go on a date with another man - it clearly shows his lack of care or loyalty to you and this relationship. It does make you wonder if he is trying to let you down gently, hoping that if you date another guy you will fall for him and the breaking up process will be easier?
To me it seems that he is trying to push you away by telling you that you can date other men, and it also seems that perhaps this family issue may be the reason why he doesnt make any future plans with you, because he knows deep down that his family will never be 100% happy with him settling down with you. Maybe he is thinking that eventually this relationship will end and he cant have a future with you, hence why he wont even talk about it.
I think you are going to have to confront him one last time and ensure he realises how serious this is now. Tell him that if he cannot have a serious discussion about your future together then you are going to have to end your relationship because you do not want to be with someone that cannot commit to you long term. If he still wont talk even when you have told him you will leave if he doesnt talk, well you have your answer - you will have to leave I think.
If he really loved you that much he would fight for your relationship and understand that you have needs too, so if you need him to talk to you then he would try and do this through his love for you. If he is happy for you to walk away over something so simple as talking, then clearly the commitment is not there on his side and he doesnt care much about staying together.
You are not asking for much here, you are not telling him that he must propose and have kids any time soon - you just want to talk about it. If he cant even do that for you then it is not worth wasting your time with someone like this, he clearly has not invested as much into this relationship as you have.
And I would also ask him to explain why he has said its ok for you to date other men, as this would indicate he wants an open relationship - so he is going to have to explain himself on this one too!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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