A
female
age
41-50,
*ddicted2Luv
writes:Apologies! This situation description isnt as short as I'd hoped it would be. Click back if you dont want to read a long story. I want responses, but if I dont get any because my post is too long, at least I'll have cyber-vented!My husband and I have been separated for 8 months now. I've recently been interested in another man. I have an evening job in which I see this same man (the incredibly mysterious handsome and intelligent manager) every Tuesday. For the past couple of months, he and I were having really nice flirty conversations. At the end of July, we finally decided to exchange numbers and get together outside of work. He's very busy and spends almost 12 hours at work every night so I let him pick the date and time. He asked "is it weird that Im excited? I cant wait. I feel like a kid on Christmas eve."I went to his place, he cooked me dinner, made me drinks, played great records, and we talked about everything under the sun. We have way too much in common, same sign, same tendencies, same everything, so it made me proceed with caution. He asked about my marital status, and many other "serious" topics that I wasnt prepared to discuss. He genuinely wanted to know what I was going through. So I opened up, regretfully. We had an intense make-out session, we watched a movie on the couch. Drank some more. Kissed some more. All the couples-type of things you should never do while on a first date, we did em anyway. We spent the rest of night, AND the next morning, AND early afternoon talking and passionately kissing. No sex. I tried to push for it, but he he kept assuring me there was no need to rush even though he wanted to dive in-so to speak. (Either way, it was an amazing connection for a first date. Prior to my husband, I'd dated many different types of men. This one had me smitten. Had to keep it under wraps.) Upon leaving, he said we'd get together in a few days. I went home feeling confused, but I let it go. After a few days of no texts from him, I (again regretfully but playfully) texted to ask if I'd have to wait till Tuesday to see him. Then the curve ball gets thrown...He says he's not feeling social, he's gloomy, self-loathing, and shouldnt be around anyone until this emo stage passes. I said "I completely understand what it means when a man says he 'needs time' so no worries. (C'mon we all know what that usually means)He tells me "thats exactly what I dont want you to think, and its not about seeing someone else either, I feel that needs to be said." I told him that wasnt my concern, and that he needed to tell me if I should let him alone. He says "no, love on me when you see me, and text me, I will text you too. I just need some time to work out my issues, but I love spending time with you, and want to have more of it. Till then, I become a hermit." I told him right away that I realize he's busy, and I've got issues to work out too, so its okay if we maintain a casual realtionship by talking and seeing each other whenever we are available. No muss, no fuss. He said that was perfect.I sent a couple of texts a few days later, but his responses were short, so I stopped all together. Since then, 2 weeks have passed. When I see him, we say hello and make small talk, nothing more. Saw him last night, told him I've been feeling much better about my situation and that I have a new lease on life. He tells me he's still in his "gloomy" state. When we hugged good-bye, I say "lets get together again, sooner than later. Call me." I winked. He says "Okay, yeah we can help each other heal." Not sure what to make of that. Mind you, he has not texted or called for 2 weeks. Neither have I. After last night, I assumed if he wanted to pursue me, or if his self-issues had been resolved, he'd have contacted me. He has not.I want to text. Since we're casual, and there shouldnt be any rules. But its safe to say I should to let it be, right?
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 August 2012):
My view on this. As a "separated woman," you are still married. You need to finish one thing before you move on to something else. In some states, your ex could even make an adultery case against you.
Finish your divorce, get your life together, then worry about another relationship. Going through this half-assed is a recipe for problems.
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (20 August 2012):
Thank you for the followups Addicted2Luv!Well, as someone who went experienced a divorce in 2009 I can relate at least a little bit to what you must be going through. I agree with you that keeping things casual while you sort yourself out is a good approach. Starting something serious while you aren't in a good place mentally is a big challenge.I don't know what to think about this guy you find so attractive. There are a few different possibilities. One is that perhaps he doesn't really want a casual relationship. He invited you over initially, so attraction is probably there, yet when you pushed for sex he deferred. Was he really looking or hoping for something serious? Perhaps your open and honest conversation with him affected his hopes for a relationship.Another possibility is that he is more into women he has to chase. You made sex available to him right away. That might have actually turned him off.The final possibility is that he's being honest and is not in the right state of mind to be with someone, in any capacity.You stated how attractive you find this guy, so maybe it will work out yet!
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A
female
reader, Addicted2Luv +, writes (17 August 2012):
Addicted2Luv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous: You're SO right, I should have the guts to get some hard facts for sure. I was thinking I would just ignore it, but since he encouraged me to contact him and I havent, I see no reason why I can't bring it up in a casual way, since we're casual, and its been a couple of weeks since any contact, so what the hell. Now how should I go about getting these facts? Hmmm
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): Casual sex relationships really do suck. Please, for your sake have the guts to demand some hard, tangible information from this fella before going 1 step further. IMHO.
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A
female
reader, Addicted2Luv +, writes (16 August 2012):
Addicted2Luv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoubleJack: He's aware of my marital issues, he sincerely to know what was going on and how I was dealing with all of it. Against my better judgement, I opened up. A few days later, he mentioned he still wanted to spend time more time with me. Then this week made the "we can help each other heal" comment. Again, its a casual thing between us, so I've tried to let it be.
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A
female
reader, Addicted2Luv +, writes (16 August 2012):
Addicted2Luv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. I've heard a lot of "let it go" advice. And I agree that for the time being, thats whats best.
The way I see it, its casual between us, so why worry about who contacts whom first, just go with the flow and try to keep things light when we see each other each Tuesday. Let him work through his issues, and I can resolve and conclude whats happening with my marriage/separation.
Physically speaking, ignoring someone as beautiful as this man will be quite a challenge. When I look at him, the desire is quite different from the usual attraction.
I'm used to getting what I want, and not having him is bothering me more than I thought it would. Its not about the catch, its about him. Come on ladies, we hate when we can't get what we want! ::sigh:: I thought the "separation" issue would bother him, but he seemed interesting in meeting again. Perhaps after these 2 weeks, he's changed his mind. Theres not much communication happening! Oh well, thats what you sign up for with a "casual agreement "
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (16 August 2012):
You said you and your husband are 'separated.' Separated does not mean that you are legally divorced. If you have not legally divorced, you are technically and legally still married.
If you are still married to your husband, there are rules. You should wait until your divorce is finalized before getting involved with another man.
If you are using the term 'separated' as a euphemism for 'divorced,' there is a good possibility that this man is not pursuing you because he thinks you are still married and therefore off-limits. Separation indicates that there is a possibility of reconciliation between the husband and wife...divorce is final.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): There is something dark about him. May be he is mental?
Anyway its not your problem to solve. Let him be as gloomy as he wants, why do you want a gloomy guy anyway?
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (16 August 2012):
I will add another vote to the "let this guy go" column. He expressed a lot of interest initially, but has clearly flaked on you. He's either truly got issues to deal with of his own, or something has turned him off and he's not being honest about it. Anyway, the fact that he works with you in some capacity is problematic (which could be what he is thinking but not saying). It's best to avoid him.
I'm going to go off on a bit of a tangent and ask, do you have plans to go through a divorce or are you going through one? That may not be a factor at all with this guy, but I know for some men it would be.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Yes, let this one be. it sounds like he has issues that you don't need in your life, right now. You put the ball in his court, and he pretty much dropped it.
HoneyPie is right, you're not the one who needs to see a therapist.
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A
female
reader, chaijam  +, writes (16 August 2012):
I think getting involved is a dangerous idea. He sounds like he's in a bad place and it's not a new thing. Definite self esteem issues and, as someone else said, depression or the like. Be weary.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Do you really want to get involved with a person who's either depressed or bipolar?
cause that's what it sounds like to me...
in addition, getting involved with someone you work with... not a great idea....
I'd chalk it up to a pleasant evening and a nice time and let it go...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2012):
 I would. And if anyone needs a therapist, I think it's that guy.
I would not pursue this.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 yes let it be ;)
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