A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Last night my bf got so mad at me and left my place at 2 am. He fell asleep on the couch while I was watching a movie, around 130 am I noticed on his phone maybe like 10 phone calls then like 10 messages, his phone is always in silence so he couldn't hear it plus he was asleep but I saw it. His first language is Arabic so his phone settings, contacts and etc is in Arabic and 90% percent of his friends are arabic speakers as well. So when I saw all those phone calls and texts at that time, I took his phone and reply in English: Sorry "Ali" is asleep.After I saw another new text coming (in Arabic) but that was it. The phone calls and messages stopped. Later He woke up to drink water and he checked his phone he was furious with me telling why I do have to reply messages on his phone and left my place. Now I am thinking is this really bad what I did? I Kindly reply that he is asleep so there is no need to keep calling and messaging. I am thinking what if is me? I won't get mad at him if he replies hey "Ana" is asleep if he sees I am receiving phone calls and texts at 2 am. I am confused about his attitude. Do I need to apologize? Any advice is greatly appreciate.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2017): I think Denizen is differentiating the level of trust that goes along with good long term friends!In that instance it can be both polite and helpful to let the caller know that someone is where they are expected to be albeit unintentionally unavailable.This is perhaps what taking a message would be particularly helpful in a tight knit community where everyone passes news on.ie "Your great Aunt Mabel called to let you know the operation was successful!"This concept goes back to the two pence phone call queue and the rapid beep beeep of the money running out and someone banging on the door yelling "Are you done yet.... Ive been waitin' here half an hour already in the freezing rain."Now mobiles are so personal that answering one is a big tabooo unless ordered to do so by someone vanishing down the garden path to check the strawberries.Aka "get them off my back if they phone and tell them i'm tied up right now!'But most people keep their phone on their person so it is unlikely to be helpful to answer it for them mainly.Occasionally it can be helpful though especially in emergencies.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 I was not particularly differentiating between cell phone and landline ; more between home and work.
Meaning that, IF the workplace policy is that no calls should go unanswered and no phone be left unmanned- then if the phone rings and your colleague is not there , it would make more sense answering, to follow the company's rules and to save your colleague's a**-
Other than that ,- let it ring.
Leave other people's phone be, unless of course THEY have asked you to answer for them.
It's the same like, say, searching for a handkerchief or an Aspirin in your friends's drawers when they are not there. Not done. Ask first, otherwise do without.( Here too, unless of course you have °previously° agreed that you have the free run of the place and can touch anything and open anything )
But, let's go back to our OP's issue, to stress a point. Which is that, it seems what the OP is really asking is :
" Why did he get so mad ... unless he had something to hide ? "
And the consensus is , most likely he would have gotten mad anyway - on principle. Because what the OP did is generally seen as intolerably invasive . ( Not by Denizen , but alas the OP is not dating Denizen :)
We can't promise the OP, though, that her bf is not up to something. All those missed phone calls could have been from some family member in a rush to contact him for whatever reason- or also from some woman in hot pursuit. How would we know ? We have no idea. All we are saying is, that the OP will have to find that out by other means than hijacking Ali's phone while he is asleep, because , reasonably, he is not going to put up with this , so his loyalty might soon become a moot point.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 OK I agree, Honeypie. I wouldn't read anyone's diary or go in their handbag without permission. I have picked up a ringing phone though and said, 'Hello this is xxxx's phone. They aren't here right now. Any message?' Just to be helpful. However to be fair I am more likely to let a mobile phone ring than a landline.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2017):
 Denizen, I do love the questions and the debate but... I think MANY (if not most) people regard their cellphones as private and personal as a diary.
You wouldn't read someone's diary, would you?
Think about it? People personalize their cellphones, they keep important photos, calendars, appointments, reminders, hell some even has PORN on their phones.. THAT is pretty personal, don't you think?
Common sense (In my humble opinion) says that UNLESS someone ASK you to pick up their phone when it rings/ding/bling/crows in their ABSENCE - you just don't do it. It's disrespectful to PRESUME that you have the RIGHT to do it.
It might just BE me (and probably my generation) but no, a personal cell phone is not communal property.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 October 2017):
 I think you simply don't answer another person's phone, unless specifically directed. The polite thing would be to inform the other person that they missed a call. But that is as far as you go. Answering someone else's mobile without prior agreement is invading privacy and rude.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (25 October 2017):
I was just thinking of a phone - any phone. Is there a difference if you answer a landline in someone's house or a mobile? I sense that people think there is, but it is hard to pin down why.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 October 2017):
 I agree totally with Cindy and Honeypie. And I don't even think cultural differences are a component here it boils down respect for privacy, period. You, OP, had no right to do what you did. Hopefully an apology and a promise to never do it again without his permission will get you off the hook but it might not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 October 2017):
@ Denizen : are we still talking about a cell phone ? The type which you make personall calls from, bring home after work, and generally keep in your pockets- unless you forget it on your office desk :)? ..
Then the answer is , obviously, still NO. A cell phone is personal and private, it does not matter if you leave it around at home, at work, or at a restaurant. Would you like your waiter to answer your cell phone if it should ring while you left your table for a toilet break ??
If it is a work phone or a landline extension, etc. that would depend from the workplace policy and / or the agreements between colleagues. If the policy of the place is that no phone call must go unanswered or else !, then it would make sense to answer. Then again, I don't think it would be a frequent case because normally there's a secretary / front office / switchboard operator / whatnot to take the incoming calls and redirect them to tne appropriate person, and / or take a message if tne person is not available.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (24 October 2017):
I would not be happy if someone answered my phone w/out my permission, my phone is my own private thing. I can understand why he is mad.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2017):
If it was her/his "office land line"? then probably. If she/he had left her CELL phone on her/his desk, then no.
One is PUBLIC/belonging to the company/firm we BOTH work for, the other? Her/his private and personal phone.
If the coworker didn't have a landline but only a company cell, I'd probably NOT answer it and here is why... The person CALLING would be looking to talk to the coworker or they would have called the main number and get transferred to someone/anyone available.
You are comparing apples to bicycles, IMHO. .
This is a PRIVATE cell phone that the OWNER had put in silence because he was going to sleep and/or just didn't WANT to talk to the person who kept calling. There is no comparing that to the house phone of a close friend OR a coworker's office phone - if you ask me.
The thing is, the BF of the OP has EVERY right to DO as he likes with HIS phone. It's not she could actually ANSWER the text anyways as she doesn't understand the language. All she did... was COMPLICATE matter that she had no idea about.
I think the BF has a RIGHT to privacy when it comes to his phone. It's not COMMON property. They are dating, not married. She could have asked him what is going on with these calls that you don't answer and he could CHOOSE to tell her or not. There WAS no point in her answering a text for him. He hadn't asked her to, which means... leave it be. And secondly... as she stated... they were in Arabic and she couldn't read them so why the need to reply?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 I wouldn't even answer my husbands phone if he was asleep. It was a strange thing for you to do, and he probably felt like you invaded his privacy.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (24 October 2017):
OK, so you wouldn't ever pick up your friend's phone. Would you pick up your colleague's phone at work?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2017):
Nope, Denizen - I too, would let it ring.
UNLESS said, friend, in the garden, TOLD me: hey if the phone rings can you answer it? I'm waiting on a call from XYZ."
9 out of 10 times I let my husband's phone ring and go to voicemail. As I see it, they called HIM and want to talk to HIM and if HE is not available... then HE can call them back when he is. If he is in the bathroom or garage, garden, basement (wherever) I might yell at him that his phone is ringing... If he asks me to answer, I do. Anyone who NEEDS to get in touch because it's important or serious has MY number too and will TRY my number if he doesn't answer and vice verse.
If HE had put HIS private and personal phone on SILENT it is because 1. he didn't want to answer the phone or 2. he isn't expecting any VITAL calls.
In all seriousness, 99% of calls/texts are NOT so important that they need to be answered ASAP - more now than ever.
A person's cell phone is not the same as the house phone.
Besides the OP CLEARLY stated that it was in silence, so she would have HAD to SNOOP to notice it was even "ringing" which in turn means she wasn't doing this out of a totally noble and selfless action but to see what was up. The message could have been a life and death situation but since SHE didn't read or understand Arabic HOW would she know?
So yes, I absolutely agree with Auntie Cindy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 October 2017):
I respectfully disagree with Denizen- or, at least , conclude that we hang around very different people and different gardens :).
I don't know anybody, literally anybody , with such a poor sense of boundaries to go answering the phone in somebody else 's home, unless they have previously been invited / requested to do so.
And why would they, anyway ? Cell phones ( and even before that, answering machines ) have eliminate the drama , and the suspense, of the ominous missed phone call. Now one can see which number the calls were from and decide if calling them back, and when.
Of course, with a pinch of salt. If I am at my mom's and she is taking a nap, I might ( but not necessarily ) pick up the phone myself , rather than shaking her awake. Bit she is my MOM !, plus she is in her mid 80s, I doubt that the call could be from a secret lover, or her drug dealer , or anyway about something that I should not know.
Then again, even my best , closest friend, maybe could not feel the need to share the fact that her podologist is confirming the appointment to remove that nasty corn..
Anyway , it's not about secrets, really- it's about boundaries and personal ( and psychological ) space. Same as one does not rummage through somebody's else handbag , without being asked ( "Would you get my wallet for me ? " ), nor opens and inspects their friends' drawers , without being asked- by the same token , one does not answer their phones unless he/ she knows ( KNOWS !, not thinks or imagines ) that he's welcome to do that.
Funny ! I thought this was such a given... and I find myself recommending respect for people's privacy...to people from UK - where the concept itself of " privacy " comes from.
Ah what the world is coming to :)
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (23 October 2017):
This brings up an interesting point though. If you were in a friend's house and the phone rang while they were in the garden, would you answer it? I think many people would.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (23 October 2017):
 It's quite simple.
UNLESS your bf has granted you full permission/access to his mobile phone, then you should not be answering his phone.
If your relationship is healthy and you trust your bf and you ought, then why check his phone and even text his friends?
You have no place and no right to be doing so.
His reaction may have been based upon many factors, however, i'd say primarily because you interfered when you weren't asked to do so.
There may also be various reasons, that he wouldn't want you to be replying to people you don't know and who don't know you, certainly at this stage of your relationship.
You should never, ever do this again, UNLESS your bf says otherwise.
It shows him that you trust him and respect his privacy.
UNLESS your bf has given you factual reason to not trust him, you should trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt.
My husband and i have been married for almost 2 years now and i have never checked his mobile phone, not even once.
Do you know why?
Because i trust my husband and he trusts me. Simple.
If my husband gave me good reason to not trust him, things would be different, however, he has not done anything to make me lose any trust in him, nor have i done anything to lose his trust.
Learn to place more trust in your bf, especially if you say you love him, because guess what?
To men, love and trust go hand in hand.
LOVE = TRUST.
To a man, no trust equals no love.
If you say you love your bf, yet you place little or no trust in him, then eventually, he will begin to wonder if you ever loved him at all.
Love, trust and appreciate your bf.
If he's good to you, be good to him and this means,
NO CHECKING HIS MOBILE PHONE, NOR TEXTING HIS FRIENDS.
This is your bfs job, not yours.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 October 2017):
Excuse me ?!...
There may be also a cultural component, probably, but I can assure you that I am not Arab, I am not Muslim and I am not a man, yet I would go berserk if someone presumed to do what you did.
You are not even married !, or living together, - you don't even speak his contacts ' language, I mean, it's not that your social/ personal / professional lives are so enmeshed by now that you could say " oh well, his calls, my calls- his phone, my phone - same thing ": ( which, anyway, also many married couples would object to ).
Who are you to decide whom he MUST speak to ? If he made himself unavailable , putting his phone on silent and going blissfully to sleep, - respect his choice. For all you know, the caller might have been some creditor chasing after him for money owed, or his grandparents from Yemen who will surely be shocked and upset that he is sleeping at some strange woman's place.
I think that you weren't just misguidedly trying to be helpful ( helpful how anyway ? If you thought he was missing important calls, then the logical thing would have been to wake up " Ali " so that he can handle his business personally, not to answer in his palce. Speaking in a Language that you don't even know if the caller will understand ! ). I am pretty sure that you got suspicious and wondered if it was a woman looking for him ,and for what reason. Now, not knowing anything about the guy, the kind of relationship you have, how you met and when etc.etc.- obviously I can't even venture a wild guess about the possibility that Ali is a two-timer. Who knows- you know him better than us, may you have reasons to suspect that
there's something strange in these calls, and therefore to try marking your territory . But that's an all different story. You will have to decide if you can trust Ali or not, based on more than just these calls- but my point is, even if Ali is as innocent and immaculate as driven know, of course he is furious . I know I would be, in his shoes. Grown up people wants a partner, not a mommy to monitor their phone calls.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2017):
I agree with Denizen and WiseOwlE
This is most likely a cultural thing. and some would perhaps feel it was an invasion of privacy as well.
I don't think you SHOULD text your BF or anyone else from THIER phone unless they ask you too. As in;" honey if I fall asleep and uncle Bob text/calls can you tell him XYZ?"
It's NOt your job to answer his calls/texts.
If he has it on SILENCE, it's because HE DIDN'T want to answer or talk to anyone - not that he wanted YOU to play secretary and answer for him.
Learn from this and don't do that again. I ONLY answer my husband's phone if I know the incoming number/contact. And my husband does the same for me if I'm not around to answer my own phone. But in general? I don't really mess with his phone and he doesn't mess with mine.
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A
female
reader, mishi 1 +, writes (23 October 2017):
 BECAREFUL, I used to be very close to middle Eastern culture I agree with first post. He was hiding from someone about where he was. Also , he don’t want you to know lots of things.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 October 2017):
 Could be he is trying to hide something so didn't want someone to know where he was.
Do his friends and family know about you? If not, then that could be why he was angry.
Perhaps he sees your behaviour as "crossing the line" and is angry because you did it without his permission?
Or maybe he just doesn't like people touching his stuff and making decisions for him while he is asleep.
I am guessing he did not give you permission to answer his texts. Next time, if you think it might be important, wake him up and let HIM make the decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2017): I called and spoke to my best friend from Kuwait. He says he may have been avoiding someone; or didn't want them to know where he was. If he is Muslim, it would be inappropriate to be staying overnight with a woman who isn't his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2017): I think he will explain once he has calmed down. As Denizen explained; Arab men have ways in their culture and traditions that place women in a more submissive or passive position.
You say the messages are in Arabic; so was there any reason you should answer his phone when you don't speak the language? He is ashamed that his friends will judge that you keep tabs on him most likely. You're not his wife, and should not portray being in any position to screen his calls. If he doesn't pickup, they'll leave a message. Plain and simple.
I suppose you answered expecting to hear a woman's voice on the other end. Another reason he would be upset with you; if he isn't the cheating type. It wasn't pure innocence, my dear. You were checking-up on him. He's not dumb! Had a man responded to you, he would be offended you presumed to speak to another male acquaintance on his phone. Not good!
Ask him directly why he was so upset. He will surely clarify it for you.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (22 October 2017):
You have to understand the culture here. Middle Eastern men think their word is law and may not be questioned by a female. You are not allowed into anything personal of his. Not his phone or his top drawer; not where he was last night, or what money he has.
They may take on some aspects of Western culture but a lot goes back to the way they were raised. It's bred in the bone.
It is curious. Sometimes the culture can seem patriarchal. Other times matriarchal, like if there is a family occasion eg. a wedding or christening. Then the mother calls the shots and the guys toe the line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2017): I don't see why you had to msg but at the same time his reaction shouts of a guilt. .be careful.
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