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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok the other day my bf and I were checking some sites on my pc. He jokingly wanted to see my web history. I refused but he said if I had nothing to hide then why fret? So I let him see it. He also checked my files. Of course he found nothing. Today we were on his pc and I wanted to see his history and files and he wouldn't let me! I told him the same he told me. He refused and turned the pc off. What could he be hiding and what's with the double standard? How can I convince him to show me? I find this unfair and suspicious. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (25 January 2010):
 Hey, female anonymous. You seem to be in a very similar position to the original poster. The difference being that you are substantially more tied in to the relationship, and also that you have seemingly accepted the way he is acting.Why have you just accepted this? He is leading you to lose your trust in him, and if isn't prepared to offer you any reassurance, it doesn't sound like he is taking you very seriously! Have you talked to him about this? -and how did he react? Was he sympathetic or defensive/ accusative? His responce can be telling even without seeing any evidence. If he's not being supportive of you, or listening seriously to your concerns, I really think you need to discuss this further. Is he bothered about seeing your 'profile' information, or is he just someone that doesn't take the internet very seriously- or who maybe thinks that you boh should have your own space/ sense of mystery? If he doesn't much care about seeing your's, maybe this isn't such a big deal to him, and he just thinks you're snooping on him? -Is there any reason- even an instinct in your gut reactions regarding this, why you would suspect him of infidelity?However, if he still doesn't take you seriously or offer you any reassurance after talking through your concerns calmly and rationally, then I'd advise you take this further. Don't spend your days letting someone you can't trust walk all over you! If you really don't trust him, I'd recommend couples councilling to help you make sense of your feelings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is unfair. I am going through the same thing with my husband. I am an open book. Anything he wants to see there it is. He is on FACEBOOK and other various sites. When he found out I went to the same sites he has an account-he made his profile private. I asked him why he said because he doesnt want all those unwanted requests, So I asked him to add me to his profile-he said why?,everyone knows he is married. I don't care what other people KNOW it is what I want to know. One day I found several pictures of him without his wedding ring on-he is still in the ringer for that one-but as I am saying to you as I have said to myself. Everyone deserves thier own privacy-but when it becomes a double standard thats when there is something hidden in that privacy act which makes me believe: they are with us offline-but online he is leaving a door open that should be closed.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (24 January 2010):
That was a fabulou answer for the last poster, 'Sick'.
Exactly catches on to the core of trust, and not just the 'proof' or 'evidence' or the lack it.
I totally agree that you should go to him and talk over your concerns with him, just as you have here. Only if he then still doesn't come across as trustworthy should you consider walking.
Are you otherwise happy in the relationship? How long have you been together?
Do bare in mind, however, that as soon as this situation came about, I'm quite sure that any guilty party would take immediate precautions to clear their internet history, so you may have to trust you gut instint over whether he is being sincere with you when you discuss your concerns with him.
In the circumstances, however- considering his lack of trust in you, bu asking to see your history, and then hypocrically not returning the same- it is now UP TO HIM to prove himself trustworthy (through his responce in words, attitude and actions) to you, not the other way around for you to feel guilty for your justified concerns.
Do bare in mind that a cheating partner often starts to worry about the behaviour of their committed partner- simply as they are so acutely aware that they are covering up their own deceit. Which would explain his sudden interest in checking your history, even when he wasn't prepared to share his own.
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A
female
reader, sick  +, writes (24 January 2010):
ahhh this is ugly.
if you ask him, he will surely deny it. there is also no point in looking through his stuff because whether you see something there or not, it will only make you feel terrible about yourself.
the question here should actually be, "why want to be with somebody you can't trust?"
but looking a bit closer, what is trust? if you find out he's hiding something from you, can you still trust him? will you still be happy with him?
trust does not come from knowing that your partner is perfect... because nobody's perfect. all of us commit mistakes. trust is believing that even when our partners make mistakes, they are willing to rectify and to take responsibility for it (meaning, ready to face everything that comes with the healing process). and vise versa, it is knowing that when it us who make the mistake, our partners will forgive us and not punish us for it.
trust is a beautiful thing when you've learned to embrace it. it makes couples stronger and it makes great love stories.
if you get out of this relationship now, you will never know.
if you start playing his game, you will miss it.
tell him what's bothering you... then leave it. this is where your real commitment begins.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Ok, vanity, then why couldn't he let ME have MY privacy? That's the whole point! If he hadn't been snooping on my computer, I wouldn't have asked him to show me his. But he did look on mine, so I have a right to look on his.
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A
female
reader, $vanity$  +, writes (24 January 2010):
maybe his cheating on you or hiding porn or he wants a litlle privacy. let him have it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Everyone here has a good point. I am particularly interested in the advice to do the same thing; disallow him to see your computer contents. When things aren't equal it will hurt your relationship.
Make sure you protect yourself; pre-decide to make the rules go all across the board. If he scopes women, you scope men. If he refuses to disclose some things, do the same.
Hold out for a man who is one hundred percent true - without anything to hide.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): It is unfair and suspicious. But insisting on looking thru his pc wont show up anything now. As he knows you are suspicious and want to look, he will just go thru everything and delete or hide things he doesnt want you to see. As he wasnt prepared to let you see what he does on his pc there isnt really anything you can do. But it is very unfair of him. And decidedly shady!
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 Call him out on his hypocrisy. If I were you, I'd tell him to his face that I think he's hiding something. This will probably make him defensive and deny it, but if he denies it just say something like, "Well, if you have nothing to hide, why can't I see what's on your PC?"I don't mean to offend you, but he sounds like a tosser. I personally wouldn't put up with this crap - and I don't think anyone should, female or male.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Next time don't let him see it. And don't ask to see his. This is a dangerous habit and leads to a couple have more intrusion than intimacy. Of course, he is unfair... but it was your choice to let him see something personal. He is not comfortable. Leave it at that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Hi, In my opinion ,he must have something that's not unwilling to show you , just like me , if I have the other girls pictures in my computer, my gf want to see my pc at the very moment, there is no denying that I will not let her to touch my pc.but your situation is different from me, because he has opened your pc to see your files before, and you want to open his pc later, he should show all the content of the pc to you. he is not me , who know!
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