A
female
age
51-59,
bootydoctors
writes:Lila here ~ This is for those of you in a relationship already. Maybe you’ve been in it for a while, and things have gotten boring. Maybe you think you can’t even stand being in the same room as your partner, never mind having sex with her! You might wonder why I would recommend trying to rekindle to passion and eroticism — isn’t it just time to move on?Maybe, but probably not. Chances are, if you move on, you’ll find yourself five years from now with the same problem, just a different face. Relationships are tricky that way; we point fingers at all the ways our partners have ruined things, but then when we find a new partner the same darn thing happens! There’s an interesting phenomenon that occurs when you allow eroticism back into a stalled relationship. It’s based on the principle “act as if.” It shows up repeatedly and I have never seen a couple with whom it has not worked.I typically recommend having sex for seven days in a row to jump start the process. However, if your relationship has deteriorated to the point where neither of you is willing to start there, I have some other suggestions. Make a list of 10-15 small gestures your partner can make that will let you know she cares about you. Ask her to do the same thing. Don’t be surprised if her list is longer—she’s probably already given it a lot of thought (that’s how our minds work). Often when we’re trying to reconnect with our partner, we do things for her that we want done to us. Sometimes those things are meaningless or even annoying to her. Better to just ask her what would make her happy.Once you each have your lists, sit down together and read each other’s list. Don’t judge the things on the lists. I recommend that you make an agreement to do at least one thing on the lists for each other every day for two weeks. Inevitably, some of the things on your list will be challenging for her, and vice versa. Just start with one of the easier things instead. Some examples might be: let me have 15 minutes to decompress after work without talking to me, make me breakfast before work, and massage my shoulders for at least five minutes. They don’t have to be big tasks! And yes, you can repeat some of the things, but make your best effort to get to everything. This is not a barter agreement, by the way. You focus on your job, which is to let your partner know you care about her in ways that are meaningful to her. If you wait to do yours until she’s done hers, your mind will rebel and the entire exercise won’t work. There are many reasons why an exercise like this works to bring couples closer together. When you give or receive something comforting (like a 10 second hug), it releases oxytocin into your system, which is a hormone that makes you feel more connected to the person who is either receiving or giving the comfort. On another level, when you consistently engage in loving acts, your nervous system resets itself to both want to give more and relax into receiving. And lastly, the part of your brain that sees everyone as either a danger or someone to trust will begin to see your partner once more as someone to trust. Once that part of your brain begins to trust her again, it will make it easier for you to be intimate.After two weeks of this exercise, sit down together and talk about what it was like for each of you. Decide if you want to make new lists or if you might be ready for the seven days of sex.
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article |
