A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Where do I start? This may be a long question, but I've been agonizing over this for over a year...I'm a graduate student and I think that I may be in love with a guy I go to school with. We habitually stay up until 2 or 3am texting one another. We have really long, personal conversations. We've talked about past relationships, hopes for the future, what we want to do after we graduate... He's said he thinks I'm "cute" and that I'm "attractive" before, too.Two weeks ago, one of his best friends was in town visiting. He asked me to go out to dinner with him, his friend, and another guy we both know from school. I'm not even sure how to describe the dinner... It was so strange, I guess. His friend kept asking me really personal questions. I felt like I was being tested, almost? But, I think every time my friend and I interacted, it was really obvious that I liked him, or at that was 'something there.' We'd playfully tease one another and reference little inside jokes between us.The day after dinner, he messaged me to ask if I had a good time. I said that I did, and apologized in case his friend thought I was a little weird (or awkward). He told me that his friend did actually tell him I was weird. But, he said it jokingly because I 'actually am weird.' After that brief exchange, I texted him a few times and he hasn't replied. It's been over a week and he hasn't messaged me at all. I'm wondering if his friend said something to him... I figure it had to be one of two things: "Date her." or "Stay away." I've thought about just telling him how I feel a million times before... but I've never been sure about how he feels. He's said I was 'cute' and it's obvious that we 'flirt,' but he can also be sort of mean, I guess. I have a dry, sarcastic sense of humour and he's said that I was 'really negative' before - but that's because he doesn't really get my jokes. Most people say I'm actually really bubbly. A number of my friends have told me that they don't get why I'm hung up on him... but I am. I like that we're different and that we view the world in different ways. It's interesting. We complement each other, I think.Is it even worth talking to him in person at this point? I just keep going through the same questions in my head over and over: "Why not me?" and "What's wrong with me?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I would stop communicating with him period. First of all anyone who needs to take you on a date with his friends to see if he likes you or if they like you is not worth it, he should be able to figure that out for himself. Second he obviously doesn't like your personality, the sarcasm or whatever and that most likely won't change. Move on and find someone who can make their own decisions and who likes you as you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I believe the guy likes you in a platonic way. He may have weighed the pros and cons, and considered dating you for romantic reasons; but after a thorough evaluation of your match potential, he concluded that you're not his type. He may think you're cute and attractive, but your brother or dad can tell you that.
You've allowed your feelings to attach based on the trigger-words "cute" and "attractive." You must generally assume if a guy finds you attractive, he's romantically interested. Well, that's not necessarily so.
Perhaps there may be a twinge; but there has to be chemistry behind the attraction. He may have carefully considered your "weird" ways and "sarcastic" mannerisms; and this may not be what he wants in a girlfriend, or someone he dates on a regular basis.
People nowadays use technology so much, they don't know how to properly bow out of uncomfortable situations. They want to avoid emotional reactions, or a scene; and they don't know what to say without looking like a jerk. Most of your communications is done through text messaging; and by not responding, he's sending you a "telepathic message" that he is putting time and distance between you. That is a spoiler alert that he is using his time in other ways. He isn't offering you the simple courtesy of telling you, "don't get your hopes up, we're never going to be a couple." So, reverse your feelings.
His friend didn't make up his mind for him. He may have confirmed, or had some minor influence over the opinion he already had of you. So don't go searching for reasons to blame outside sources. He's a grown man and capable of making is own decisions. You're the one who allowed your feelings to attach with very little romantic feedback.
Frequent and regular communication is done between "friends." People with romantic-connections spend a lot of time together making-out, and showing each other physical affection and tenderness. A guy romantically-attracted to a lady will do all he can to get closer to her. That would include a lot more than just verbal exchanges or chatting by text. For all you know, the guy could be gay. He senses you're getting too close. Sometimes a guy in the closet will let the girl think there's something wrong with her before letting on. Be that the case, that's his problem and not yours. Don't use this example I've presented as rationale or fact; it's just a possibility to be considered. Many conceited woman assume guys are gay, because he's not that into her. Well, there are reasons. Hot or not!
Don't allow perceived rejection to make you agonize for his approval or validation. You're a hot ticket whether this guy knows it or not. You are having a completely normal and human reaction to being turned-down by someone you've formed warm feelings for. You're wondering what's wrong with you, or why you're not good enough? Suddenly you start to feel your self-esteem slumping and your confidence shaken.
He's only one guy. He's not your world. He is not the mastermind behind your controls.
He doesn't de-fizzle your "bubbliness," just because you're not "his" type. There's a guy you've yet to meet who'll appreciate your natural quirks, and who can deal with your brand of humor. He's making his way toward you. Destiny is preset, you're just not ready in your present state of being. If you're awkward, that needs tweaking. Work on it.
If you find certain ways you have generally abrasive; then you should work on curbing or completely changing them. What comes naturally in your personality that people appreciate, let that work for you. Friends will accept all your quirkiness; where your romantic-partners may draw the line. You have your deal-breakers and guidelines just like everybody else. Not every guy can just walk up to you and you're ready to go out with him.
We all get stuck on that one guy who doesn't seem to appreciate us as we do him. (I'm gay, which is why I used the pronouns "us" and "we"). That only means you're meant for someone better. Someone who can reciprocate your feelings in the same way. Don't allow yourself to spend a lot of time feeling down because he hasn't responded to your text messages. Start finding things to make you feel better. Take a hint from his cowardly, impolite, and tactless silence. Don't keep trying to get his attention.
The answer to your unasked-question of "do you feel for me?" is "no...not in that way!" Set your own rules whether you'd take being ignored, even from a friend. It is the holiday season, but over the course of a week; there should have been a reasonable explanation received for the lack of contact. So this is your opportunity to detach and discard.
Spend more time with the people who find you bubbly and enjoy your company just as you are. They'll distract you from beating yourself up over this guy. Listen to their advice about that. They're right!
Enjoy your Holidays. Don't create the blues like so many people do this time of year, trying to force other people to give them feelings they don't have. You're a grown-up now. You won't have romantic-attraction for every guy who finds you cute or attractive either. You have rejected people yourself, and it wasn't intended to hurt their feelings. They'll just have to get over it.
Don't do this to yourself. Go shop! Mind your budget in the process. Shopping gives instant gratification. Especially when it's for your mother, or yourself. Go ask her for a hug, it has healing properties.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 December 2014):
I gather you've known each other for at least one year, and the nighttime texting shows you've grown rather close, and all that is undone by one dinner through an opinion of one friend? That seems unlikely. I mean sure, I listen to my friends' opinions about whom I date, just incase they touch upon something I didn't notice through my pink glasses, but something really serious (like past criminal history) has to come up for me to suddenly ditch that person. And I'd tell them to their face too. So if he did that just because his friend wasn't a total fan of you, he's spineless.
Anyway, before we latch onto that worst case scenario, he's a more positive possibility. Maybe instead of passing on a judgment on whether to date you or not, his friend simply told him it's obvious you're into him. He could be one of those guys who, like me, is completely oblivious when it comes to noticing when someone's interested in them. People have to literally tell me because I suck at picking up hints. So maybe his silence means he's still trying to figure out whether he believes that's true, and how to go about it. Also don't forget the holidays are around the corner, which keeps people more distracted and occupied than usual.
What I would do is give him a bit more time. And if after a while you still haven't heard of him, send him a message: "Haven't heard from you in a while, are you okay?" or something that shows you care but doesn't immediately put him on the spot by working from assumptions. Truth is you can't really know what's going on in his head, so don't decide for him, okay?
Whatever you do, do not heap this onto yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are who you are and if that's good enough for him to stay up and text you at 3am, that shouldn't change because of one awkward dinner. And if it is, the fault is with him, not you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014):
In my opinion, as much as its worth. There is nothing wrong with you .. Never ever ever call yourself weird or awkward ..never .. Your showing the other person you doubt yourself and your behaviour .. Use words like shy and quiet in stages .
In fact if he has suddenly changed the goal posts in regard to the frequency of texting, you state you have texted and yet all week there has been nothing back, did I pick that up right ? Then you clearly have the right, due to the past high level of texting, to ask say either ' hey hope nothing serious has happened haven't heard from you since .. Fill in the blank ' if he doesn't answer pick up the phone and call him .
I think it's time to find out whether this floats or not, whatever he says . He is the one being rude it takes a min if that to answer a text especially since he has shown he does and can text loads . But sit back and wait and see what he has to say no point in jumping in with two feet, let him explain 'why' he hasn't bothered getting back to you .
Take care and merry christmas sweetie when it comes
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