A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 32 and my bf is 36. We've been together for over 5 years. We broke up for about 6 months due to him neglecting me. During our BU, he contacted me EVERY week, the entire 6 months.... EVERY week for 6 MONTHS! Now you'd think in that time he'd have moved on, yet he chose to chase the hell out of me and therefore I decided to let him back in. I believe ppl make mistakes and therefore should be given a second chance. I think after losing someone they care about, sometimes people get their shit together and make changes. My boyfriend doesn't appear to be one of them.I agreed to meet up with him at the 6 month mark of our BU and I laid down the ground rules for what I wouldn't tolerate this time around. I told him that if he neglected me, his ass was history and after this chance there would be no turning back. He assured me things would be different. For a month or 2 he really tried, until we became "official" again. After that, his attention slacked off. One day here, the next few he was fine, then the next 2 he was off in lala land again. I had to let him know right quick that he was heading back towards his same patterns and he'd continue to do well, for a few days.I'm just over it. I do everything I can for this man and it gets me no fucking where, no where. I've reached the point that I no longer want to tell him what he's doing wrong 'cause I've said it so many times. He opened up to me last week and said that he has a problem and pushes everyone away from him, once he realizes he's done it, it's too late and they're gone. He has a history of this. He's done it in every relationship he's been in. As a result, they all left him. This week has just been the end for me. We had an amazing weekend last weekend and he's been so distant ALL week long. Now, in his defense, he's contacted me EVERY day but that's it. He hasn't made any real attempt to talk to me. He got on facebook about 3 hours ago and left a status that says "my fb is messin up... and im missin jenn too lol". However, he's been active on there since, so it must not be messed up that bad. I already know why he posted that. He used that as an excuse to keep from "talking" to me because he knows I'm pissed off due to how he's been acting. So, he's well aware of his behaviour, he just doesn't give a fuck.I'm sitting here right now so mad I wish I could do something just to hurt him. Neglecting somebody that cares for and loves you is one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone. Leave me, just walk away from me and don't turn back. But to make me feel like you love and care and then turn your back on me, that's fucked up. I'll NEVER understand someone like him, who pushes away the ONLY person that really cares about him. Anytime he's needed me, I've been there. I was there on Thanksgiving because he had no one else who wanted to be with him so I spent it with him so he wouldn't be lonely. I sit with him at the hospital until 3am when he his medical condition flares up. Him telling me I'm the only woman he's ever been with that actually sits with him there. Really? I'm so damn good to him that he fucks it up. Yeah, that makes total sense.It leaves me feeling so may different emotions. Part of me gets angry and spiteful because he knows how much this hurts me and I feel like he's laughing about it because I can't do anything about it. That makes me sooo fucking mad. THAT makes me want to do something to get back at him. But, I don't have it in me. I'm not that kind of person. I wish I hadn't of taken him back. It was clearly a mistake. He's been this way, emotionally abandoning, his entire life steming from his god-awful childhood. He even admits he pushes everyone away and when it's finally over, he just moves on with his life as if nothing happened and he does it again with the next one. Do I think he loves me? Yes. Does he know how to show it? Absolutely not. He also admits he's never had someone love him so he doesn't know how to show it. He told me that when we first met and I thought maybe his ex's were just shitty partners, but I've shown this man love, emotionally AND physically, out the wazoo and it hasn't done a bit of good. It's as if nothing I do registers. I imagine when he gets another girlfriend in the future he'll use the same bullshit line "i've never had anyone love me", knowing good and well I did but he didn't care. I just don't understand this. If you've never had love, wouldn't you want it? *sigh*.. I just need to vent and get my thoughts out. :(
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 Your boyfriend just can't win here.You expect the man to check in with you every single day as if he were a parolee. Don't tell me you don't because you just told us how angry you were when you hadn't heard from him for two days. On top of that he must always be eager for a conversation, even when he has nothing new to report. Do you have any idea how difficult that is, trying to entertain someone when you're out of ideas? And you certainly aren't carrying your end of the conversation because you haven't done anything new yourself since you last spoke to him, and because it seems like most of the time you're together you waste complaining about him. OP, you have got to find something more productive to do with your time when you're apart. If you were an interesting, easy going person you wouldn't need to legislate your boyfriend's time and attention. He'd give them to you voluntarily, and happily. You owe it to yourself and to him to be more socially and emotionally independent.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 December 2014):
 I understand not being able to express love, as an emotional zombie. If you equate love to music, he's totally tone deaf. However, give and take is just something intellectually easy to understand. A person can go through the motions only for so long. I do believe he is being this way because he has no problems attracting women. He does not feel a problem hurting women one after another because they should know better not to change a man. He does not feel a need to forewarn women before dating them.
His brain is missing a part. It's like there is a vacuum or there are no neuropath ways for creating loving feelings. If I have to guess there was something wrong with the attachment with mom. He's not purposefully doing anything to hurt you, nor is there something wrong with you, something you did to deserve this. If he has an awful childhood, that's probably why he has no motivation to build connections with people, and make people proud of him.
Women just fulfill a sexual need to him. He would make an effort to get his supply for sex and when that effort becomes too much he waits for you to call it quits. To say he neglects you is not exactly correct. It should be, that's his nature and he no longer has the push to use creative words to make you feel loved.
He would be a horrible person if he's more like any other guy who can actually feel something for a woman. I think it's a daily struggle for him to come up with romantic ideas when in his heart there is absolutely nothing.
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