A
male
age
36-40,
*hBoy!
writes:Oh boy, I have problem. I don't even know where to start with my question so I'll just tell the whole story. I have two very important women in my life. The first is my girlfriend of five years- my love.The second is a very close female friend who we'll call "Suzie." Before I go any further I should make it clear that I am the type of person who believes it is possible to love more than one person at a time; however, I also believe in physical loyalty or not sleeping around. My girlfriend knows this and Suzie knows this. I met Suzie about two years ago. Naturally, we were attracted to each other but our relationship remained platonic due to my loyalty to my girlfriend. Over time we got closer, and what really drew us together was our similar ideas: life, love, personal philosophy etc. About a year ago we started to see more of each other outside of our University. Slow, our platonic relationship morphed into something more than platonic but less than romantic. We confided in one another and really opened up more so than before. She would tell me about her problems in life, the men she was dating and so on. I was so comfortable with her that I ended up taking her to a place very special to me. On that day we got real cuddly. She grabbed me by the chin kissed me in front of a perfect sunset. It was a very very good kiss. Before it started to get any more physical i pulled away and told her I should take her home since it was getting late. We did not speak about the kiss after. I drove her home and once there, i couldn't resist giving her one last peck. She told me that she would be starting a new internship that would take up all of her time. At the time I understood and supported her. I didn't hear from her for 3 weeks. When I worked up the courage to call her she told me that she'd been very busy but missed me none the less. The next few weeks and I would occasionally get a text message from her telling me about how much she missed me and so on. Time flew. And though I would occasionally text her or talk to her, I never saw her. Four months after we kissed she found herself in my town and demanded to see me. She thought it would be a waste to be so close to me and not see me. We saw each other and she filled me in on whats been going on in her life. She told me about her work AND about a man she had met. Though the latter drove me crazy I understood. I continued to keep in touch with her via text message. The next time I saw her was Christmas eve. I had gone to her house to bring her and her mother flowers as well as spend time with her. That was the last time I saw her. Since then I've only heard from her once. It wasn't even her voice it was a text. Since we kissed I've only seen her twice. I miss her dearly and feel abandoned. I feel as though I've not only lost a dear friend but a lover as well. In fact, I think the only person capable of capturing the raw emotion that I feel in words is Pablo Neruda lol. My question is why hasn't she made an effort to see me more, like the way it use to be? Why must I wait weeks to hear from her and months to see her? Am I not important to her anymore? I love this woman and my life feels out of balance without her around. I need advice. What I don't need is someone telling me to focus on my girlfriend or someone telling me that I really love neither when I truly know that I love both. I am not a child. I need an unbiased opinion on how she might feel about me. Thanks for your time.
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female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 I dont think its a case of her having forgotten her feelings for you; you say you want her as a lover, but maybe she wants more than to be your bit on the side. I know you see your connection with her as something more than that, but to her it will seem like she is forever second-best to your girlfriend. Even if I were in love with a man, I don't think I would be willing to wait for him forever if he had a girlfriend; if she wants a family and things, she knows she needs to find somebody who can offer her that. The only way I can see this working out the way you want it to is for both your girlfriend and Suzie to agree to an open relationship, where they are both made equals in your eyes, and they both share your time and commitment - how practical this is i dont really know, its never something i have personally considered!
Try having a long, frank conversation with Suzie about it - you said youve always been open with each other in the past, does she know what you're going through at the moment with regards to all this?
Good luck. :)
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Love is not logical. The more you try to force feelings into a logical cage the more upset you will get.
Look, for whatever reason, Suzie has decided to move on from you. We can theorize all day about openness and the ability to love more than one person but in the end, what you see is reality. Suzie moved on to someone without a girlfriend, someone who makes her happy and someone she is satisfied with. That's her choice and all you can do is accept that.
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A
male
reader, OhBoy! +, writes (12 February 2010):
OhBoy! is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you for your responses. My girlfriend does know that I hold feelings for Suzie. She does not know how deep they are though. I should have also add in my prior post that my girlfriend and I feel we need to take a break from one another. We have been together since we were teenagers and we feel its necessary to spend some time alone. Ideally, we want to use this time to grow independently. If my girlfriend was to find out that I harbored such deep feelings for another woman she would want me act on them. Its clear that both my girlfriend and I only want each other to experience life to the fullest. Even though I am welcoming separating from my girlfriend TEMPORARILY, I don't want my feelings for Suzie to act as a catalyst. In regards to Suzie and this other man, well Suzie is like me when it comes to loving more than one person at a time. She does not want a static relationship. She wants to be able to choose whomever she wants to love. This is one of the reasons we became so close. So, I cant believe that Suzie would start dating another man and just forget about me. It wouldn't make any sense to trash a friendship just because you couldn't have sex with the other person. Suzie is not immature. And I am not even sure this other guy is around because the last time I saw her-on Christmas-we spoke about everything relating to her life and a relationship never came up. Im sure she would have said something. I guess I just want her in my future as a lover. Not seeing or hearing from her is killing me. I am worried that as time passes my chance will fade. Is it easy for a woman to forget romantic feelings if they were genuine? Can a woman who has been a friend for such a long time just forget?
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A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (11 February 2010):
She probably did feel the same way about you as you felt about her (and yes, i also believe you can love more than one person in a lifetime - the whole soulmate thing just doesnt make sense to me). I imagine she wanted more from you than you could give, with your girlfriend still in the picture, and decided it would be better for her to move on and find herself another love; one who could offer her a committed relationship (which you clearly cannot). Thats just my take on the situation at least; it hardly seems fair, from her perspective, for you to tell her you love her but then deny her any physical connection and return to your girlfriend.
I think this really is a case of if you love her you will let her go, to find a love she can actually build a relationship with - alternatively, let your girlfriend go and try to develope something with suzie.
Incidentally, does your girlfriend know about this love you hold for Suzie? I know you say you are all for physical loyalty, but a lot of people (myself included) hold emotional affairs to be cheating. I know I would want my guy to respect me enough to tell me something was going on if he were as into another woman as you clearly are. I would be interested to know your girlfriends opinion on all this!
Good luck figuring all this out.
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