A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I'm hoping someone can offer up some answers to my question. I was wondering why it is that some men nice and loving to the woman that they are dating, yet rude/inconsiderate to other women?I first noticed this in college. There were guys who had girlfriends but would trash talk other women, and I even dated two guys for a bit who were nice to me when we'd hang out/go out, but would then speak poorly of other women, calling them "whores" (even though they didn't know these women), or just talking shit about others. One guy liked saying nasty things about other women, like, "oh so and so looked so much better before she broke her nose" and "so and so is a cheap little whore". These guys were in their late 20's/early 30's. Obviously, I dumped these guys because I don't want to date an asshole. I'm not perfect either, but I certainly don't go around speaking poorly or judging men who I don't know.Why do some men do this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2020): Because they are misogynistic tools. I was told by a relative "If you want to know what someone is really like watch how they treat waitresses." This applies to men and women.
If you're dating a guy who is rude or condescending to other women remember that's how he is going to treat you when the newness of your relationship wears off.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2020): Oh wow now we have mysogynistic religious messages No the goddess sent sent Eve when Adam wouldn’t accept Lilith as his equal lol Sorry couldn’t resist . Don’t worry I won’t preach at you . If you want women hating religious nonsense there’s plenty of places to find that. Some men behave that way because they may be threatened I guess or perhaps they are having a bad day . Women can behave badly too but it’s nothing to do with religion and everything to do with the fact that people are individuals with their own behaviours attitudes and problems regardless of gender . Perhaps if someone treats yoh this way just call them out in it and ask them why
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2020): Do you know the story of the monkey and the grapes? Those men are like the monkey that can not reach the grapes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2020): I truly believe, for every rotten-guy out there he has an equally-rotten female-counterpart. Women can match men for every good or bad attribute. We may think differently, we are created differently by nature; but when it comes down to the worse behavior found in our species, we are all the same!
Adam didn't offer the forbidden-fruit to Eve; she heard it from the devil that God didn't want us to be as smart as He is. Eat it, and be as wise as God! When you had paradise and an endless selection of fruit-trees to choose from, why was that necessary? Why didn't she just eat it herself, why did she have to drag Adam into it? Wouldn't such commentary ruffle your feathers to a degree you'd probably scratch my eyes out? You'd clock me like a prize-fighter!
It's so sexist to attach stereotypical-attributes to people by gender; but in all fairness to you, I do understand where you're coming from. I have witnessed [some] people making broad negative-assertions and bigoted generalizations that are racist, hateful, and downright nasty; yet their closest and best of friends fall into the categories they've so terribly characterized as the ways of "certain types of people" they've chosen to single-out. I guess we just chalk it up to the downside of "our" human-nature.
Gossip is gossip, and everybody has an opinion. You generalized, and made the broad implication about a negative-behavior observed in "some" men as representative of most males. As if so many men are guilty of what you've witnessed in a few men you've known, or you are acquainted with. Apparently you've figured it to be so widespread among men, that you had to seek an answer as to why? How do you tag that onto men as significant enough to presume it has something do to do with our gender? What kind of scientific-survey or poll can you submit to support your absurd theory?
Back in the day, on way too many occasions; I've sat across from a table of venomous-females shooting-down one guy after another. All the guy may have done is asked for a dance, or offered a cheesy-line; but got both barrels! Does feminism require male-bashing and emasculation to make women equal? Does categorizing the male-gender as "anti-female" somehow elevate females as superior? Does stereotyping and presumptions by "some" females allegorically place a majority of males as always objectifying females? Thereby, does it follow that all males should be punished as a measure of prevention? These are purely rhetorical and outrageous questions.
I have learned in the span of time that I've been an adult; that all people are capable of evil. Though some things we do are gender-specific, evil/wrong remains evil/wrong regardless of who has committed it. The rain falls on both the good and the bad. God loves and created both males and females; and gave us both whatever we need to counter each other to make peace, create harmony, and maintain the balance in nature. Whatever we suffer and survive makes us stronger.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 April 2020):
 You've been given great answers, OP. The fact is that not all people in the world are nice. They have their own agendas. The best thing you can do is accept that some people are like this and get them out of your life. As long as you are observant (as you apparently are) it won't take you long to weed out the undesirables.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2020):
 I think "those" kind of men think they win some kind of clout or "brownie points" with other men. They don't want other men to think they are some "weak male feminists". That they think they can "bond" with other people by trash talking. And THAT dear, OP is no limited to men alone. I think YOUNG women do this (especially to other women) far more. But I digress.
And I think it's because they themselves are not very mature or secure in their own personality, masculinity and place in the World.
I remember some of my husband's coworkers would talk about their wives in rather nasty ways when SHE wasn't there and then be the "most attentive hubby ever" when SHE was. I never got that.
We all judge other people around us, most of us just don't feel a need to verbalize it. I think insecure people do.
I think you need to just stick to what you are doing and maybe crank up your standards. Because if you have met several guys like this, either there is a sad "epidemic of verbal diarrhea" or you might be choosing the wrong "type" of guys to begin with. (not that i's your "fault" that some men choose to do this, but maybe look at the guys you have dated who turned out to be asshatty and see if there is a few things in common in the "type" of guy.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2020): I think a lot of young males are highly influenced by porn and they tend to speak a lot of 'porn bravado'.
To them this is an affirmation of their masculinity so the constant use of derogatory phrases towards women equals an example of their masculine virility.
This is to both impress you and to keep you in your place and is also porn-man speak for 'I'd like to give her one!'
So when the bloke says 'She's a dirty slut!' He is trying to let the world know he has seen a open video of the same name and (if you weren't with him at the time!) then he'd like to give her one.
It's a good indicator of the type of bloke you don't want to know.
He sees women as walking sex organs and not as a person with feelings.
It's all about him.
And it will never change because he is convinced it is an expression of masculinity.
Often these crude guys have some secret insecurity and hence they bang out what they assume to be masculine words.
Hence when female doctors want to go dancing they pretend they are hairdressers because these men are afraid that a woman also has a brain.
This is a Victorian concept dating back to times when women weren't allowed to own property or make judgements or understand politics.
The media and the casting catch gave rise to ways in which men could still impart this sense of superiority by depicting women as walking vaginas and breasts and treating them as such, so that a large pool of otherwise 'lost' men could continue to congratulate themselves in having a dick!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 April 2020):
 Why do they do it? You've answered your own question: because some people are just assholes (not limited to men).
Well done for taking notice of how some of these specimens speak about others and getting away from them before they get to a point where they are no longer trying to impress you and speak to/about you the same way.
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