A
male
age
36-40,
*rustrated6
writes:I think I'm expressing symptoms of codependency, and they have really damaged my relationship of 8 months. Everything in my relationship seemed peachy--I really feel like I made her genuinely happy. But recently, I've been probing for validations of her affection, and it really had a devastating effect. I think I've become a wimp and she's very suddenly fallen out of love with me. I realize that 8 months might be too early to discuss things like marriage, but we both did anyway. I liked talking about it because it gave me the security that I was looking for. I don't know why she spoke about it--but she did. I thought that it made her happy, so I brought it up in different ways every so often.She aired some grievances in a conversation yesterday: she feels like she's been doing/saying things to make me happy at her own expense, she thinks that we should be able to feel comfortable with spending time apart (specifically, with her studying abroad without me), she wants more mystery and less regularity in our relationship, she would like me to show more of my true edge instead of what I think she wants to see, and she doesn't want to set herself up for a lifelong committment right now. All of these things are reasonable, but I really see her as "the one," and I'm seriously convinced that I make her happy and that she loves me. Significantly, I am her first boyfriend.The conversation concluded with her saying that she's optimistic about starting a new chapter in our relationship, that she doesn't think it would be fair or right to break up, but that she needs some time to not think about me and the relationship and to do things for herself that she neglected because of our relationship. She did tell me that she loved me, but--I just feel so lost without her right now.I am supportive of whatever she thinks will work, and I'm interested in working this whole thing out, but between now and whenever she decides to contact me again--I feel broken and devastated. How can I repair this relationship in the next attempt? Do I need professional help to repair my insecurities? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (14 June 2007):
 I don't think all girls are looking for jerks, UncleJ.
A
male
reader, Uncle_J +, writes (14 June 2007):
For some reason reading your post has brought a tear to my eyes.
Assuming that the age listed is correct for you and her I cannot help but to hate the situation you're in right now.
Any woman can be won back if there's ANY feeling left from her end. But, you'll have to play this GAME to perfection. The GAME requirs a great amount of disapline and control as well as acting. You've been good at acting to what she wants till date it sounds like so now you're being called to duty to do some more.
I'll explain in a second what has to be done but let me say upfront that your best bet is most likely to go through this situation and try to move on. This move alone bares multipul fruits.
Onto the game...
It's simple, make them feel as though you don't give a F@ck and they'll come running every time.
Don't show woman your weaknesses for a long while into the relationship and don't tell them everything about yourself and even if you did already make these GRAVE mistakes, FIX IT!
If you don't have your own life and strengths, FAKE IT!
If you don't like something about the way you're behaving STOP IT!
If you want something you don't have in life GET IT!
You don't have an ego? GET ONE!
You have low self esteem? BUILT IT!
Oh one last thing, the catch...Don't let her know you're doing it for her.
You need to step into a mirror and get outta your self pitty, I know that sounds harsh but it's the only way you're going to get what you want. And honestly, what you may find may be a bigger development in your person than you were expecting...
Remember, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, babydoll0713 +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Every girl likes a little mystery, if she's telling you that she wants out of the norm and something different then listen. It doesn't mean you have to completely change but do things differently. Don't assume that since she loves you she is going to be with you, make her want to be with you. Suprise her, tell her sweet things, but don't be a complete push over. I don't think you need help by any professional because this is something that everyone goes through when they feel their partner is "moving away" It's going to be hard but don't necessarly assume because she's doing her thing that she doesn't want to be with you. Most people don't get in a relationship and say hey, this is they guy/girl I'm going to be with forever. yes it's fun to talk about but it's just something that happens. Same as love, you can't make it happen it just does, over time. If this girl is really the one then when she is finished doing what she needs to do then you will know it is meant to go somewhere. Keep trying and expressing that you want to be with her but don't smother her. Hope this helped!
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