A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i'm really hurting a lot right now and i don't know what to do. please help. my ex and i have been off and on so many times in the last couple of months. it's been killing me. when we were on, we were amazing. i could see how much she loved me just by the way she looked at me. we had such a strong connection, like fireworks. it has been there from the first moment we met. but then she will turn on me and push me away with everything in her. and it always feels to me like it comes out of nowhere. and it always floors me and crushes me every time. but then we will get back together a few days to a week later, and she'll say she can't live without me and she's sorry and then the cycle happens all over again.this past time she pushed me away she said some really hurtful things. about two days later, we spoke, and agreed we missed each other and loved each other and met up to talk. she cooked me dinner, we cuddled on the couch, watched tv and kissed. she then gave me a long letter she had written attempting to explain why she's reacted the way she has lately with the ups and downs. that none of it was my fault and it explained that she's struggling so much with things in her life that she's trying to deal with in therapy (she's been in therapy for things i won't mention on here, but she is suffering ptsd). that she's been having panic attacks that are constantly getting worse and worse, and she feels her life is falling apart. she's having flashbacks and can't sleep at night. she cries at random all the time. certain places freak her out, and sometimes, she just seems to check out completely, etc (i've known about these issues). her letter explained a lot of things. it also said i am the love of her life and that i'm the person she's going to marry. i'm her soul mate and best friend, and protector, etc (i've always tried to be her rock through all of this and stand by her). with all of that being said, and us kissing and cuddling and saying we love each other, i thought we got back together and she was writing the letter as an explanation for her behavior recently. well then the next morning, she once again told me she couldn't be in a relationship and needed to be single. i was DEVISTATED. i couldn't understand why she did that when ten hours before, we were laying on her couch, her in my arms.looking back, i can see that she's been running away from all these things for so long. when we first met, she wouldn't sit still. she never even bothered to unpack her apartment because she was never there except to pass out for a bit and then leave and be on the go all day again constantly. i finally helped her to unpack after about six months of her living there. we did it together. anyway, point being that i can see that she can no longer run from her problems anymore, but rather she's realizing she has to face them because they are stiffling her and choking her. as i mentioned, the panic attacks are getting worse and worse. it's finally all caught up to her and is coming to a head. but i didn't understand why she had to keep toying with my emotions and telling me i'm the love of her life, just to turn around and tell me i can't be a part of her life. i didn't understand why i couldn't just be there for her; why she would shove me away. why hurt the person you're the closest to? why not fall back on them in a time of need? i begged her to just give me closure and to help me move on. to help me understand what was happening. that it was killing me to hear that i was the person she wanted to marry, just to be told she can't be with me in the next instant. so she texted me this morning saying she realizes she has treated me horribly and that none of it was my fault. it was just a by-product of all the things she's not been able to cope with. that somehow, she needed to get a grip on her life, and having me as a constant reminder of how much she's disappointed me and hurt me over and over was only bringing her down right now when she's just trying to help herself. that she needed me to not contact her for a while for us to ever be able to stay in each others lives in the future. i was crushed. i couldn't understand. so i messaged her back saying "so rather than fixing the way you treat me, it's easier to just get rid of me?" she responded telling me to never message her again and that we would never be friends again. wtf?i'm crushed. why is this all being taken out on me? what did i do to deserve to be treated this way? deep down, i know none of this is my fault. but it just feels like i'm the one paying for all of this. maybe that sounds selfish on my part because i know she's struggling and suffering right now. but i've only tried to be there for her. and i've only been confused and hurt like anyone would in this situation. who wouldn't ask for closure? who wouldn't be confused?any comforting words right now or bit of advice would be appreciated. i realize this is long, and i'm sorry. i'm just falling apart at the moment. please help.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Oh so she was off her meds- yes, that would explain a lot of things , at an early stage of treatment. Hopefully in time when she has more tools to deal with her condition she will be able to discontinue them- she won't have to rely on meds forever- but maybe now it's too soon, and anyway, as far as I know ( I am not a shrink ) you CAN'T discontinue some meds like for OCD, pstd, etc. - just cold turkey,- you have to go gradually, with lower and lower dosages.She did not, hence the Jekyll / Hyde thing.
I think you are handling this sensibly- you are giving it another try , but better equipped than before. With more knowledge about her condition, and knowing better than to take it personally. I still think it will take you a lot of selflessness, a lot of patience , but.... love IS selfless and patient, isn't it ? :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionposter of the question here. thank you so much for your response. you have no idea how much it truly helped. what you said made a lot of sense of a situation that made no sense to me. i wanted to give you some feedback on how things played out. as i said, she was recently diagnosed with ptsd and had been off her meds for about a week now. i had no idea she was off of them. she didn't tell me. i asked why she was off them and she said she ran out and couldn't afford to refill them at the moment. i told her she could have borrowed the money from me. it's crazy the difference in her when she's medicated versus when she isn't. she becomes a completely different person. she's sweet, kind, gentle and loveable when she's on them. she becomes a stranger to me when she's not.
we hadn't contacted each other in about a week when she wrote me a long email yesterday. it explained in detail all the things she's been going through lately, which she has never fully disclosed to me before. and she mentioned that she has not been on her meds this past week. she reinforced that none of this was my fault and that i truly was the love of her life and how sorry she was for ruining us. she said she's back on her meds and that she hopes one day i can forgive her for everything. i went to her house and we talked last night. i agreed to give us another chance, under the conditions that we move slowly and i can learn to trust her not to walk out on me when things get tough. she agreed.
i know it's going to be a long road. we have a lot of trust to rebuild after all of this. i'm trying to be practical. but i also love her so i want to give it a shot. i've been reading a lot of articles and info about ptsd and the symptoms and what it's like dating someone with it. basically what to expect and how to help her cope, as well as myself. hopefully she will start to let me in more and when she has her flashbacks or moments of severe aniety, she can learn to express that she needs space rather than just running away from everything, including me. one thing her therapist and her are working on is called "sitting." basically, when she experiences these flashbacks or awful dreams or memories, her instant reaction is fight or flight. and when she runs away, she runs from everything. her counselor is working on learning to "sit" with her feelings rather than run from them. basically to learn how to cope with the awful things that have happened to her, rather than haul ass from everything.
thanks again for your response. it was fantastic advice.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 June 2013):
I think that you are rather naively expecting a lot of consistence and emotional stability , from a person who just told you she can't give you ANY, since she is overwhelmed by her different demons and mental health problems.
Yes, mental health, this is an issue of mental health, which does not mean of course she is insane or has lost contact with reality - but it means that, with all the different things that ail her, she is not in a stable place emotionally (
/ psychologically / mentally, and she is just not able to sustain a regular relationship, forget about a happy one.
This is just one of those cases where love is not enough, in fact has nothing to do with the problems of the relationship. This woman just has loads and loads of baggage, needs to use all her resources to deal with them, and can't make a stable companion. One day feelings of love - vulnerability- desire for closeness and comfort prevail and she wants you, the next day it will feel like too much and that she needs space to heal,- a relationship may be a comfort, but also a responsibility and a weight, it requires work.
Atm, she can't fix the way she treats you because she can't even fix how she treats herself.
As hard as it is, I suggest that you respect her wish for space, leave her alone to fix herself as she needs to do, and move on. For once " it's not about you " is the truth, not a cliche'. I think it's about her, she is totally not in a place for a relationship. Which is not her fault- but yours neither, you should look elsewhere for someone that 's not broken, does not need to be fixed, and can give you the normal give and take that you understandably expect from a partner.
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