A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I'm 20 and recently started having sex with the guy that I'm seeing (he's 21).I lost my virginity to him, but we have only had sex about 3 times since that.Before we had sex, he would play with me down there. Now he doesn't, I think he thinks that because I've now had sex with him, foreplay isn't needed, but it is.His view on sex is quite different to mine, he feels as though sex without orgasm/cumming is alright for a female.He knows females take longer to cum compared to a male, and he when I told him he hasn't made me cum before, his reply was "But that's alright, loads of females don't cum or orgasm when they have sex, but the act is still pleasurable, us having sex still feels good for you and me both"Which made me wonder, I want to cum when I have sex. I feel like there's a build up and when you cum there's a sense of relief. Of course sex feels good and the intimacy with your partner feels good also, but why start if you're not going to finish?Does anyone else feel the same? Some people feel the sole purpose of sex is orgasm and some are satisfied with not cumming and just feeling intimate with their partner.But I don't view that as fair, sex is about pleasing your partner. But then again, my guy isn't a sex fiend, he doesn't view sex as the most important thing, most times he just likes to be in my company, which is nice also, but if I'm going to start sex, I sure as hell want to finish off.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 You write: ".... he feels as though sex without orgasm/cumming is alright for a female..."
Prepare yourself. Because you are going to find that LOTS of guys believe this..... They (we) think that the ONLY reason to "have sex" is for us to dip our peeny in to that warm, moist, soft spot that you have 1/2-way between your knees.... and that THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO "SEX"!!!!!!
Your job, as a woman, is to weed out those Neanderthals who think like that... and choose to spend time ONLY with those such guys who have evolved beyond that...
Good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): Bleah. He's being a butthead, as I'm sure you already know! He's on cloud nine, what with his newly discovered orgasms, and probably can't even fathom that you aren't either. Now, I like penetration just as much as the next lady, and have NEARLY come twice from the intimacy and yumminess that my partner and I were experiencing through that. But still, it took me a year and probably 200-ish sexual encounters to get to THAT point. And I still haven't come through intercourse alone yet. If I did, it would make me a statistical anomaly. I think there is a balance to be attained here, as there should be in most things. (I love others' witty and catty suggestions to "tutor" him, though. Wouldn't go amiss.) You need to know, fundamentally, that he likes pleasing you and makes it a priority. With that base knowledge, you could have an encounter or two that were just for him, or a couple just for you, without feeling neglected or selfish, respectively. After all, meeting a partner's needs is one of the most fun parts of sex. That, he got right. His delivery was horrible, though, and what a selfish, ignorant blanket statement to make. I would just tell him, in a gentle but strong voice, the next time he says that your orgasm isn't important, "No, you're wrong. It is important to me, and I feel unloved and unwanted, no matter how you're trying to make me feel. If this continues as a trend, I don't see myself wanting to sleep with you for very much longer." If it's not to that point, yet, I agree with some others here that you should draw him into your sexual experience -- i.e. let him watch and participate as you get yourself off, to show him "what to do." It could be as simple as the fact that he doesn't know and doesn't want to seem incompetent. Oh, the irony.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): I have been with my partner for 3 and half years. I could of written this question in the first 12 months of me being with him.
He would touch me before when first had sex (I want a virgin) and soon as we did he though sex was enough. It is not!! Your right, sex is about pleasing your partner and your BF is being selfish.
It took me over a year and about 50 conversations (with lot of tears) to get him to see that I need pleasure too... well in the end the pleasure was a small part. I started to feel rejected and ugly like he didn't fine me attractive enough to even touch. Now he's great it is totally 50/50.
Talk to him explain to him how you feel. It's not fair.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (26 June 2013):
 He is being utterly selfish and not considering your needs. You need to talk to him and explain what you expect from sex. It will take time for you both to learn how each others bodies work.
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A
female
reader, norkf +, writes (26 June 2013):
so where is the word- love, respect and such? the more you
practice and work at it the better it will be for both of you.
the man's ego is a very delicate thing! the guy's heart is a
very special place to be. you are a beginner, and sex is no
different than any other sport except that learning how to be
intimate and sexy is an amazing combination. so good luck-
and all those movies and television shows- is all bullshit-
the man and woman aren't even in the same bed! photo play,
not foreplay LOL. all those sexy embraces-fake! blessings,
happy wife
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2013):
 ""But that's alright, loads of females don't cum or orgasm when they have sex, but the act is still pleasurable, us having sex still feels good for you and me both""
Bwahahaha! Is he for real? I'm guessing that if it were him that didn't have an orgasm during sex, his attitude would change RIGHT quick.
What a selfish moron. "Sex" isn't merely intercourse, and for him to get his and then tell you that what you're "getting" still feels good, he's got a lot of nerve.
By the way, you asked about the purpose of sex?? It's to procreate and have children! That's its true purpose. With birth control, we've taken that part away, but it's the human being's deep need to reproduce that makes sex as important as it is.
Tisha is right -- you need to know how to give yourself an orgasm, then teach him, and not let him ENTER you until you have one! Most women do not have an orgasm through penetration, so you need to finish first!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2013):
 I think he is using statistics to be lazy. YES, MOST women do NOT orgasm from PENETRATION, but that doesn't mean they don't ORGASM from sex. Basically it means that INSERTION of HIS weiner is less "important" when it comes to female orgasm. Which in turn means,he needs to learn HOW to please you in OTHER ways.
I don't believe sex should be about tit for tat, but it should be fun, pleasing & satisfying for BOTH parties.
You really need to TALK to him. Just because he was/is your first doesn't mean he knows everything and you know nothing. IF you WANT foreplay then that should be a part of sex. Not just him getting his wham, bam, thank you mam and you not getting a wham or a bam..
And for him to tell you that sex is good for you without him putting some work in, is really showing either how LITTLE he knows about sex or how lazy he is about it.
Yes, sex for females is NOT all about the orgasm, but it's CERTAINLY nice when someone BOTHERS to give back, not just take pleasure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2013): First of all, you're in way over your head. You've done a lot of reading; and being so critical, you're going to lose a boyfriend. I don't believe you really know what you're talking about, but I'll give you benefit of the doubt.You don't go in talking to your partner like you wrote the book. You didn't.You haven't had sex long enough for him to know all the buttons to push yet. You guide each other along. You don't criticize your partner for not instantly reading your mind and body; nor do you act like you've been doing this for years, when you haven't. Relax, you're showing off.It may take more time to get you to orgasm, and he'll get you there; but you catch more bees with honey!When you need something from your sex partner, you let him know what it is you want. Since you're so adept, perhaps you can show him how? You sweetly coerce and seduce them. You don't run over him with a dump truck.Ease up on the strong rhetoric. You've got a lot to learn about men; before you start making demands, and showing how much of a woman you think you are. There is much more you need to know about relationships, as well.The part women play in sex, requires less effort to get a man to orgasm. Getting a woman to orgasm requires skill, time, and technique. It requires patience on both sides. I hope you're using protection, and always have safe sex.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 June 2013):
 "Babe, I know that you have heard things about women and their sexuality and have some preconceived notions. Thing is, I have my own sexuality and desires and they don't actually mesh with what you have accepted as gospel.
"I want to orgasm.
"You orgasm.
"I want to enjoy sex too.
"So let's find the ways to accomplish a happy ending for us both.
"If it involves more work for me sometimes, well, I'm sure there are ways to help me along. I do hope that you are invested enough in the relationship to want to spend the time to see that I have sexual satisfaction too?"
To make a point to him, you could find a way to reach orgasm before him, then stop everything and say, 'well, I heard that most guys don't mind if they don't cum so I'm happy and I hope you are okay with that.' Smile and roll over and go to sleep. That may be about enough of a tutorial in how to deal with a sex partner. :)
Be very very clear with him. Foreplay isn't optional, it is part of sex. You need the stimulation. It would be like you playing with his balls but never touching his penis. Maybe he'll get that analogy?
Intercourse doesn't result in orgasm for most women. Most women need clitoral stimulation, either manual or oral.
Can you orgasm with masturbation? If you can, then show him what works for you. If you haven't yet, then you would be doing yourself a big favor to learn how to do that for yourself. Buy a vibrator if you need to. Lock yourself in a room for a weekend and work it out.
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