A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't understand this. Before she met me, my wife couldn't care less about who she slept with. She was a party girl and gave it up to pretty much anyone. Now that we are married its supposed to be this sacred bond that only she and I share?I don't get it. How do you have sex with dozens of guys and then decide oh, this time its spiritual?Sex is either sacred or its not. It can't be just a fun pastime, before you get married, and then this sacred bond between two people after you have found the one. Can it?She asked me once if I wished I had slept with more women before we got married, and I was honest and said yes. She starts crying, saying that sex with me isn't as special anymore now that she knows I think that way. I think to myself "What gives". Was sex between you and I supposed to be special in the first place? It's good don't get me wrong, but when she's had sex with a boatload of other men, I don't see how it can be special anymore. Marriage is more than sex, as long as you are emotionally faithful, then why is monogamy so important? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): I am the anon female again. I am thinking about getting a user name so I can be known. I have been lurking (for want of a better word) on this site for a while and am TIRED of seeing the person who is labelled as suffering from retroactive jealousy being told they are the bad guy, that they should just suck it up and get past the feelings.
Your wife behaved in a manner which cheapened herself and the act of sex. Then to turn around and demand or expect to have 'special sex' with you is laughable and slightly pathetic.
Casual sex has been going on for centuries. but then so has rape, murder and various other horrific acts and it does not make it right.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 You people who are against casual sex, have you been kissed by more than one person... does this make the kiss of your partner less special because of this?
I assume you've touched hands with millions of people, but does this mean that the caress of your partners hand therefore becomes meaningless?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 "men have been sleeping around and having one night stands with any woman who would let them for centuries"
The phrasing of that comment betrays it's intent. I would reword it:
"people have been sleeping around and having one night stands with others who wanted to for millennia"
Women want one night stands too... it's not a matter of 'letting' guys doing it. It's a simple matter of two people wanting to. Casual sex doesn't mean that the man is taking advantage of the woman.
I'm of course opposed to either sex 'taking advantage' of the other, or manipulating them. But mutually consensual sex is fine, no matter who initiates it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): "men have been sleeping around and having one night stands with any woman who would let them for centuries"
No, SOME MEN have done that.
Other men have not. This OP has not.
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A
female
reader, lam0111 +, writes (8 August 2010):
When you love someone you love them for who the ARE not who they WERE. Add to that when you get married it's the future you should be focused on and not the past. You maed a statement that "how can sex be special to her when she's been with a boatload of other men?" So, are you saying that it's not special to you because you too have been with at least one other woman besides your wife?? Men have been sleeping around having one night stands with any woman that would let them for centuries, but expect to marry someone who's practically a virgin. What gives!?!
The point is many people (male and female) do a lot of things that they are not proud of before they find the ones they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It's hard enough to forgive yourself for those things and move on to that sacred life that is obviously what she wants.... and wants it with YOU. Don't punish her for something that is in her past and don't punish yourself for something that isn't. If you live in your past... or her past... then you are robbing yourself of any kind of future and only have yourself to blame not her.
Think of it this way too: you must be doing something for her that NO ONE else could which in turn makes her give herself to you in a way that she hasn't with anyone else either. Don't ruin it by being insecure. I agree with q1605 You should pat yourself on the back!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010):
Lots of steriod-free sports players complain about having to play against opponents who use steroids. I guess they are too insecure about their ability to play well.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (8 August 2010):
"This is a reflection of the disintegration of the Western moral fabric. I agree with Yos, people DO engage in special and casual sex but it doesn't make it right."
I too have had retroactive jealousy, and when I did I used to believe this too. But then I did a lot of research, and talked to a lot of people, as well as overcoming the jealousy.
I realised that it was my jealousy making me see the world that way. That I wanted people not to have casual sex because casual sex had been (or so I believed at the time) the cause of my pain. The jealousy had taken me over and was making me believe things that were distorted. Once the jealousy left, so did the distorted beliefs.
The reality is that this has nothing to do with the disintegration of the Western moral fabric as you put it. Human beings have been having casual sex and 'special' sex for as long as humans have been on the Earth. There are references too it as far back as history goes. Don't blame society for your pain.
I also learned that retroactive jealousy is not caused by casual sex. It comes from a combination of insecurity and love. When we love someone intensely, and we become insecure about our relationship with them, the doubts and jealousy come. The past casual sex is just something we cling to because we need something to blame for our pain. It's much easier to blame something outside of ourselves than accept our emotions as something that's inside us and solely our personal responsibility.
Casual sex is not a matter of right and wrong. It's just how people are. It's in our nature. It's always happened, and always will.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): I totally understand your feelings about this, but this was something to be worked out long before you got married.
If you knew about her troubling past but you married her anyway then you are to blame for finding yourself in this position. If you didn't know about her past when you were dating because she lied or misled you about it, then your difficult position is her fault.
Either way you are in the same boat. Deal with it or leave her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): ''But for the great majority of us, we've had both casual and 'special' sex''
YEs, this is a reflection of the disintegration of the Western moral fabric. I agree with Yos, people DO engage in special and casual sex but it doesn't make it right. If people didn't and kept it only within a boundary of marriage or at least long term relationships then we wouldn't face two of the biggest and most painful of problems:
1. retroactive jealousy (I have suffered from this for YEARS)
2. STI's being as full blown as they are to the point that having a blood transfusion could lead to having HIV (yes I am going back to the 80s NHS mix up in the UK).
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (7 August 2010):
"Your wife cannot partake in it with abandon in her youth and then expect to have 'special' sex later on when married, If she wanted that she should have kept herself to herself."
Again I have to say that this is simply not true for most people. Perhaps for some... yes. But for the great majority of us, we've had both casual and 'special' sex.
Just because you feel a certain way about something, doesn't mean that others cannot feel differently. If someone who has had previous sexual partners ends up married and feels that the sex they are having with their husband is 'special', well then it is special.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): I have had 1000's of dinners in my life, so why is having a meal with my girlfriend special? I mean I've been eating meals everyday my entire life, right? So how is it special when I have a meal with her that's most likely not the tastiest meal I've had?
I think you're missing the point OP, you're separating sex from emotion, like she did when she slept with those guys before you. Marriage, sex with you and her commitment and love for you means with you it is special. It's not just the act of sex, it's the expression of her love for you, it's the culmination of all her feelings for you combined with the act that make it, not just physically pleasing but emotionally satisfying too.
If you want the truth OP, you sound more than a little bitter for some reason. No offence but your question has an air of 'petulant kid' about it, 'she has a blue lollypop I wanted a blue lollypop, my lollypop isn't as nice' kind of thing. You actually sound like you're punishing her for her past for some reason and that's very unfair. If I'm honest with you I think your attitude stinks.
You can't seem to get over her past sexual activity and are now in a huff over it. Sex is special when we make it special.
You wanna know why having a meal with my girlfriend is so special as compared to the 1000's of others I've had? It's because I'm sharing that meal with her, my love. Because she's special to me and having her with me for that meal makes it special too. It's her face that I see sitting across from me, it's her eyes I'm gazing into as I eat, her voice I'm hearing. So regardless of whether the food is good, or the place is nice, it's a moment we are sharing. So even if she has had numerous other meals with countless other guys in the past I know that when we eat together it's special because we love each other. All those other meals are just memories, now is what counts.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (7 August 2010):
 Everybody has sex. Whether its with 1-3 partners or over 20. Eventhough you haven't gotta sleep with dozens of guys to find 'Mr Right', If you never go there, you'll never know.I know marriage is alot more than just the sex, but if the sex isn't good - This causes cheating - Which causes divorce. Everybody wants a good sex life in their marriage. If you got married thinking that you HAVENT got to stick to that one woman for the rest of your life, then you shouldn't have said your vows at the altar! Marriage is monogamous, eventhough many people break it, it is. The REAL problem is definetely your problem with your wife's previous sexual encounters. She's had her promiscuos past, and now shes settled down with you. It sounds like you cant grant her enough respect for that, and you want to have your 'promiscuous time' now that your married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): Hello, I see where you are coming from. If you eat birthday cake everyday then how can it be special when you have it on your birthday right? Well, this is a case of different attitudes and morals. Its a pile of shit when your wife said that its sacred and special when the two of you have sex but one, two or even ten years ago she was putting out to anyone who passed through the town. I am a virgin and my partner is not and I feel exactly the same way (only he didn't sleep around and only had a few relationship based sexual partners). It can only be sacred and special if you have it within a relationship and especially within a marriage. Your wife cannot partake in it with abandon in her youth and then expect to have 'special' sex later on when married, If she wanted that she should have kept herself to herself. Your wife isn't wrong for having a lot of sex, people should be allowed to do whatever they want providing they are safe and do not hurt others but on the other hand you aren't wrong either. All that said, cheating on your wife physically (you only mention emotional fidelity) is NOT the answer.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (7 August 2010):
You said...
"Now that we are married its supposed to be this sacred bond that only she and I share?"
"Marriage is more than sex, as long as you are emotionally faithful, then why is monogamy so important?"
Did you not intend to stay faithful to your wife when you got married? The common convention with marriage is that it's assumed that it is a 'sacred bond', and that you'll stay both emotionally and physically faithful to your partner.
Did you really think marriage was something different from that? I doubt it.
It sound like your jealousy over your wife's former sex life is driving you to want to have sex with other women. That's not uncommon. When I learned my partners sexual history (considerably more than me), I had the same feelings.
But I also understood that going out and having sex with other women would have destroyed our trust and our relationship.
Consider this:
Do you want to stay married? If you do, you have to stay faithful. That's what marriage means.
You said this also:
"Sex is either sacred or its not. It can't be just a fun pastime, before you get married, and then this sacred bond between two people after you have found the one. Can it?"
The answer is, for most of us, it can. Perhaps not for you, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world is like you, or that your judgment applies to the rest of us.
For most people sex can be both just a fun pastime and a sacred intimate moment. It's all about who you have it with, and under what context. The fact that you can have one doesn't mean you can't have the other. Having had 'fun' sex, it doesn't prevent you later from having loving, intimate, 'sacred' sex.
That's just how the world is for most of us. Including your wife. It's quite normal, common, average, and unremarkable, I'm afraid.
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